Okay, so I have posted on here before that we found out our SD17 is 7 months pregnant last month, which now means shes 8 months. She seems to get bigger everyday. It's insane. Anyway last weekend was the baby shower. It went really well, no drama and she enjoyed herself and thanked me and told me she loved me and appreciated everything I did for her.

Basically just to recap, I'm 29 with no kids, with DH almost 8 years and married for 5 of them. I have no kids of my own because I was waiting for the SD's, now teenagers, to get older and make sure they had everything they needed. I didn't want to take away from their lives and me and DH were having too much fun.

Well.... that sure blew up in my face. Shit, I even let pregnant SD17 drive my BMW while I drove our 4x4 freaking semi truck around town, which is a nightmare trying to do, but did it for her. I wanted them to have a good life. I wanted them to look back and remember how nice they had it and want good for themselves.

If you read any of my other posts, I was devastated at first and depressed. I am disappointed, but it is what it is and there's a baby coming whether I like it or not and I am supporting her decision... bla bla bla
If I stayed depressed I probably would have just drove my DH crazy and we would have fallen apart, the marriage could not survive how low I was feeling. I was taking it out of him everyday.

I have so many many many many issues with this. I can't stop thinking about everything that could go wrong. How can any of this be good?? How do you keep looking on the bright side? What the hell is a bright side?

#1 BM - hasn't really been a MOM in many many years. She had another kid (whole other story)and I had completely taken over more than 2 years ago and 3 years before that she was just a glorified babysitter that they call Mom. She hasn't helped with the kids financially in years and just now that her daughters pregnant she wants to kinda be a Mom. Ok fine. I really do need the help, but it just drives me crazy that all of the sudden you want to come around. Lady, you haven't given us a dime or put one morsel of food in their mouth, or a shirt on their back, ANYTHING and you show up at my house with a $200 stroller at the baby shower???? WTF. Ok fine. We do need the help. Can't buy everything, buuttttttttt, if you can't afford a place to live and you haven't once picked up the phone in over a year and said, hey , you know I know I can't take the kids and don't have money coming out my ass, but if there's anything I can help with since the only reason my kids have a life is because of you, I'd like to contribute a little? NOPE. Never happened.
Yay, BM is going to be around A LOT more and she even is going to take her vacation and come help SD17 when the baby's born. Oh joy! BM in my home when I get off work for 2 weeks. Can life get any better than this?

#2 I all of the sudden want a baby NOW!!! Not tomorrow, not in month or year, NOW. I am having all of these emotions. I cry and feel so overwhelmed out of nowhere. I am lucky if I get my work done during the day because my mind wanders so much. Hopefully I don't get fired from my good job that helps keep my SD's life so nice! I was helping SD with her room, getting it ready, helping fold some baby clothes, you know "supporting her" and then I all of the sudden feel it in my throat, I'm going to cry again. I excuse myself and go in my room and ball for a few and get myself together and go back. I hate feeling like this. Now all I talk about is myself and my kid that doesn't even exist and all of the sudden everything I see or hear is baby, baby, baby. I start thinking about if I wait to have a baby to see how this all pans out with SD17 it will be years before I finally have my family with DH. My DH is all for trying to conceive right now, but I am scared and also because I feel like she has taken something away from me. It's so hard to explain what that is. I want to throw up. My DH probably wants to murder me.

#3 I can't stomach my SD17 certain times. If we get talking about the baby or life with a baby and she makes a stupid or ignorant comment I get mad. I say things I probably should not say. She knows I'm upset, Ive apologized. I even told her the other day exactly how I feel, even told her that I am jealous that she is experiencing something I have waited so long for, in my home and it's effecting my life. I told her that I put it off many years for the both of them and now feel very resentful of her. Of course she knows I love her and I am here for her and I cried the whole time and she hugged and told me she is sorry, but in the end it's all about ME with everyone and whos to say she really gives a shit about me and what I wanted out of life. If she did would she even be pregnant right now?

#4 I take it out on DH. It's not his fault but there is no one to get mad at. I get mad at him bc not once did I see him mad at her. If I have done anything in our marriage that he didn't like he makes sure to bring it up when we fight or if he's having a bad day. This morning I said (after he was pissed and brought up some dirty laundry) let me ask you a question, so SD17 is pregnant right? And that's a pretty big deal, like huge. A major F*CK up right? How come you don't go in her room every morning and bitch her out about how she screwed up, like me? As a matter of fact, U NEVER ONCE raised your voice with her, I actually can't recall you really even being mad.

I am a strong women, I'll get through this I'm sure. I just don't want to do anything out of feelings that I will regret later. I wasn't planning on a baby quite yet, towards the end of next year, but I'm nervous if I wait and watch it all go down in my house I'll put if off again or if she isn't a good mom or we have any issues with her it will just be another reason to wait. What I have been doing for years. My husband says just do it now, he wants to start trying this month. We tried a little last month but nothing. I don't want her to have her baby in my house! Her baby is going to taint the house for my baby. My baby is supposed to be the first baby to be brought into the door! Then the worst is when I think of my DH and his grandson. Ok, honestly I can't wait to see him with his GS and I think I will be more in love with him and by the way I love my grandson already too, but I have waited so long and now DH has to divide time between my child and my stepgrandchild? I know she wants to move out asap and DH said she will have to move out soon but that is so much easier said then done. I mean, it's not cheap anywhere in Southern California on minimum wage....

I feel crazy sometimes, my DH tells me don't worry and that I need to relax and not think about things that haven't even happened yet. The odds are not good and I am a thinker and a planner and I just don't jump into things. I am not that type of person. This is so unexpected and I just never thought about this happening so as I'm sure you can tell, going insane.

Thanks for reading my crazy rant.