Seriously? Their mother died 2.5 years ago and you guys have since met and married? Wow... I only married my man 5 years after dating.... Their girls heads and hearts must still be spinning and missing their mother! They are grieving. Neither your DH or the kids have had time to adjust to their mother and wife dying! Give the girls a break!

You ARE their father's wife. The kids are well behaved, respectful and polite.
They do not have to have to like you or have a relationship with you.

Most SMS aren't lucky enough to have SD'S like yours. Read Barkatthemoon's blogs. Her SDs lost their mother a few years ago. I bet she would love to have your SDs.

Enjoy being your husband's wife. Be happy that you married a man who raised respectful children.

It's not you and it's nothing personal. The girls are grieving and they are cautious. The most important woman on earth to them died and left them and at a time little girls and teens really need their mom. I realize you're not trying to replace their mother, but you could be the best and nicer Sm ever and they will still be cautious and leery of letting you get to close. Their little hearts got ripped out and a very special woman in their life left them...they have to learn to go on and live without her. It's not something that happens overnight. Sometimes after such a loss, people , children I think especially, are afraid to invest again.

You represent what it is they lost. Have the girls had some grief counseling? They may need help dealing with Mom's death. Whether she passed suddenly and unexpectedly or whether she had a illness/disease where they watched Mom struggle and suffer their young lives as they knew it poofed with that woman. It's totally different than had for example Mom and Dad divorced and the children had to adjust to divorced parents and two households. It's natural that they cling to Mom's family, it represents Mom and they are people that have been a part of their life since birth. These people knew and loved Mom too.

You're already way ahead on some things. They are polite and well behaved and respectful towards you. They don't hate you they do accept the fact their father's life moves on and that you are a part of it.

I don't know if our situations are exactly the same, except for the fact that the BM has died. BM and DH divorced in 2007 when the SDs were 12 and 6. We met at the end of the year and started dating. I moved in with DH in 2009 and we married in 2010. The SDs were EOWE and I remember absolutely hating those weekends because the SDs were so spoiled. OSD was about 14 at the time and didn't get along with BM. To this day, OSD who is almost 20, is an entitled, naive, disrespectful, self-absorbed, enabled doofus.

BM got sick about 6mos after DH and I were married and I kept thinking, "Here it coms, the inevitable is going to happen. I will have these SDs full-time." BM died in 2013 when OSD was a senior in HS and YSD was a 6th grader. I urged DH to get counseling for the girls, esp OSD because she has anger issues. Anytime something does NOT go her way, she throws tantrums and bitches at DH and I like we are the kids and she's the parent. I choose not to interact with her anymore. She would not be someone I would seek out as a friend in the real world. YSD13 decided to tell us the night before the first day of school last August that she wanted to be a boy. She is turning into a piece of work. She is becoming an entitled skid who expects everyone (school, summer camp, DH, sports clubs) to make "exceptions" for her because she is transgendered and identifies as a boy. I have always said that I believe this change is due to her never grieving her BM. BM died of breast cancer and SD13 got really difficult as her body started developing and she hit puberty. People grieve in different ways, even kids, so I think this monster will rear it's ugly head later, if it isn't happening already.

My main problem is that DH is a guilty Disney Dad, and I can't say I blame him. His girls were CODs and now their BM is gone. He wants his kids to be happy. So, he never tells them No, he gets stepped on by them esp when it comes to trivial things. I have explained that he needs to be a father more than a friend. He is "glass all the way full" and has a good outlook on life, but the kids take advantage of him. They have become spoiled and enabled by him. It is starting to get worse because the once sweet, funny little YSD that I knew is beginning to talk back and get sassy. It's always centered around her trans issues. She wants to go to her HS in the fall and just join the boys volleyball team, so she can "relieve stress." DH and I told her she would have to try out and there may be rules in place where a female can't try out for the boys' team. She is very tiny and has never played a sport in her life, so the poor thing will most likely not make the team, but then the debate is over whether or not she can just try out for the boy's team. It's a mess because she is still very juvenile and naive to the world. She wants to sleep in the boy's cabin at summer camp in a few months. DH's eyes went wide at that one. The entire time I am thinking that she will need to be concentrating on her studies in the fall before she can handle practice after school every day. If I say anything, I get shot down by DH, most recently it has started happening in front of YSD13. DH will belittle me because he doesn't want his precious flower petal to have a reality check that life won't be easy for her.

I told DH the other night that he treats me like a doormat. Things might not ever change here. I started therapy a month ago and just this week told my therapist that I am too tired to work for this marriage anymore because DH will never change. It's fine if he spoils his girls, but he needs to give them BOUNDARIES, too. OSD19 can't take herself to the doctor's alone and can't grocery shop for school alone. She always wants DH around. YSD13 has regressed from a witty, funny 11yo in the past two years to a juvenile monster dwarf baby, who is almost 14 and acts 7. But I'm glad she knows it all, lol. Smart mouth from a naive SD13. I struggle with sitting quietly by, watching DH and the skids, as the SDs are lacking in life skills because DH does everything for them, esp SD19 who will be 20 in a matter of weeks. I see YSD13 always wanting DH to buy her something from the store, and DH never saying No, because BM is gone AND SD13 has changed her identity. They just left to go to the store right now. But they have that "bond that I'll never understand" because I don't have kids. Maybe so, but set some boundaries already. Esp with the disrespect and the lip that comes from these skids. I don't want to hear it in my house!

I had so much hope for YSD13 years ago. Now she is a tiny lost soul and I fear that HS will REALLY be tough on her. OSD19, well, she was a lost cause a long time ago and will have to find her own way. There's no fixing her, but she would benefit from therapy, and DH doesn't ask her to go anymore, since I have quit urging. Let life be her babysitter. SD19 just finished her sophomore year in college and is at the same minimum wage job she got in 11th grade. I fear she will never launch for years. I was hoping she would be gone at 22, but I fear it may take until she's 25. With the drama around YSD13 that is brewing now, I don't want to put forth the energy to stick around much longer. I've already done that.

Try to be the cool Aunt for your SDs. At least they treat you with respect, right? Are they being parented or coddled by DH? Is he a Disney Dad? You may feel like an outsider for a long time. I feel that way but I'm starting not to care, it's how I cope. I feel that there is nothing left in my marriage until DH can PARENT his girls and set boundaries for them. I fear that will NEVER happen. I stay in my room all of the time and that suits me just fine these days.

~ Moon

I think the kids are still grieving too. BM is still living in our case but has been out of this house since 2006. I can tell skids miss her terribly. I've been married to their dad and living here for 5 years and I can tell it pisses them off when I make changes to the house. We did a complete remodel years ago that made them angry because they still consider it mom's house.

I specifically told DH that we would not move into BMs house when she died. It was where DH lived with BM and the girls during their marriage. I told him it wouldn't be fair to the SDs or to me. I would feel very strange. We actually went from a townhouse to a single family home about four months after BM died. It was supposed to be a fresh start. DH and SD19 have ruined this house with their clutter. SD19's old room smells like ass even when she has been away at school for months. This morning for the first time, I asked DH to spray SD19's room with air freshener. It's horrible. It's her old room as we moved her to the basement for the summer. She just keeps dumping dirty clothes and piles of laundry in there. I may have to box it up when she leaves in the fall. }:)

~ Moon

I think you need to be okay with them being polite and accept that you are "dad's wife" (since that's what you are), and let any relationship beyond friendly evolve on it's own. You are quite lucky to get that. Trying to force something is going to backfire in your face.

Losing a parent is hard. Losing a parent at that age is completely, irreversibly, life changing. They are still grieving and trying to find their way without a mother. And no, you will never be her.

Focus on making the best of what you've got (a lot of step parents get NO respect at all), and on your marriage. Let them spend appropriate time with their dad, make sure you spend time with your husband and, even if they are not thrilled about it, continue to do family things. It may take them some time but I think if you give them some space and there is balance, they will come around.

They could be worried about getting too close to you too soon, lest the marriage not last (they might not even realize this). They might not trust you, yet. They may just be protecting their already broken hearts.

What crosses my mind is perhaps the SD's are afraid to be close to you as it would make them feel "disloyal" to their mother. While I was reading through this post, I put myself in the mind of a young teen and this is the first thing I would feel. They are still really young. Heck, I'm in my early 40's and the thought of losing my mother makes me sad. I can only imagine how devasted I would feel if she died when I was a teenager.
You're getting lots of good advice here. Focus on the positive; at least these kids are polite and are not actively disrespecting you. Give them time. They sound like good kids. They will come around.

I get why you're frustrated. You want to step more fully into the "step mom" role and build something with these girls. That's to your credit. However, they get a say here. You can't FORCE anyone to be friends with you, to build a relationship with you. You can expect courtesy, manners, civility, and good behavior in your home, and it sounds like you get that.

I would suggest maybe some individual counseling for YOU. The stepmom gig can be hard - there are plenty of emotional minefields without throwing in a BM who left two young girls when she passed! You are, of course, welcome to post here. But I think maybe you could really benefit from having someone to talk to where it wasn't so anonymous as here. Anonymity has its uses, but there is definitely something to be said for some good in-person support too. And if you find yourself resenting the girls for your own feelings, and not for anything they've really DONE, then it's time to go talk to someone, I think.

I really do feel for you. I think you sound like a lovely, caring woman who's mostly hurt that the kids don't seem to care about YOU like you'd like. Your DH chose wisely.