Disengagement - Teen SDs
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Any ideas on how its really done, not in theory but really. Has it worked? Do you have children together are they better than the skids, i mean does DH ruin them too? Is all this really worth it? Is love more important than mental health?
Right now disengaging is
Right now disengaging is working for me. Will it always work? Don't know.
I don't have my own child.
Love is NOT more important than your mental health. YOU always come first. You are the only one who will put yourself first.
I don't know. I have teen
I don't know. I have teen SS's and I ask myself the same question. How do you live in a house with kids and not care? How do you see train wrecks about to happen and not step in? I don't want to be cold and cruel. I read some of the posts here and it terrifies me the hate and anger towards kids who didn't ask to be these situations. It's not their faults their parents screwed them up. Yet, here I am! I love my boys but I don't like them right now. I stress every time they are at our house and days before they even get here now. I try to bite my tongue when they do horrible stuff, but I can't. I try not to care, but I can't. I'm so angry about the whole situation and with DH for being so damn lazy at parenting that my marriage is suffering badly. All I do is nag, criticize, complain. I am miserable. I feel alone, I feel invisible and unimportant. I'm guessing most of us feel the same way? But then I see some here who have detached and they aren't angry or hateful... how do they do it? I think they are saints and wise - they have it all figured out. Logically, it makes sense to detach from this situation when we know our opinions don't matter and we only work ourselves up and make ourselves miserable and life would be easier if we just tuned out skids drama and BM/BF drama and SO's bad parenting. But honestly, I'd have to be on crack to put my head that far in the sand. I just can't do it!!! And like you, I've wondered if DH and I had kids if he'd screw them up too.
If you're not married yet, run. Seriously. Find a nice, normal guy without kids.
If you're already married, well, welcome to the club. There has to be answers somewhere to make this easier, I hope...
I feel the same way. I would
I feel the same way. I would have a hard time turning my cheek, as I really care for SD. I didn't have children with DH because of this same reason. I was afraid that my kids would treat me the same way and he'd be ok with it. It took many years, but he see's the light now. SD is 20. I can't have children, but we decided to Foster to Adopt. DH is worried that adopted child will turn out the same way because of his bad parenting. He finally sees the mistakes he made.
The advise I can give anyone who is dating someone with kids is to RUN, and RUN FAST. It's not worth it. If I could do over again, I wouldn't have.
Yes married for 5 years and
Yes married for 5 years and your post looks like someting i would have written myself. I am trying the disengaging thing. It can't be worse that what it is now. I plan to be there for my skids when and if they seek my advice and nothing more. Don't know how I will fare. I told him i was disengaging wed night and he thought i was bluffing. NOPE. I keep stopping myself from asking about the skids or giving opinions. I believe my DH is seeing how this is not just me fuming. Friday as he was leaving for work i told him that if the skids wanted to leave the house he better arrange transportation. He had to come back home and take them who knows where. He tried to tell me, told him I wasn't interested. last nite I gave DH all skid dr names, ins card the works, told him i'm out. After looking at it he said "Here you need this right?" I said no, I do not. I will not be using any of that anymore as you will be doing all of it from now on. He just stared at me. I hope this works. It seems so harsh but I have noticed a slight reduction in my stress level. I believe we may need couple's therapy at this point too. I am just SO po'ed all the time and am having a hard time just being nice to him. SD was gone for the wknd as usual, my nerves just went full throttle when he went to pick her up. UGH!
The disengaging is tough. I
The disengaging is tough. I think the DHs make it hard because it is not in their interest. They participated in raising a child a certain way and deep down realise there is something wrong with this poorly behaved individual. How easy is it to have good old step mum scapegoat is the perfect answer. Honestly last night was a bad night with SD16 so believe me if I offer advice, it is not from a superior view point. This site is great but it makes me angry to know that so many of us are getting used and are unhappy. Some days I am not good at it but I agree with one of the post above, I will not take it out on this young person who did not create this situation. One thing I am proud of is not ever being nasty to her. I have had some success with disengaging. What worked? Counselling with a counsellor who is very experienced with blended families and teenagers. The counsellor encouraged me to disengage. She said not to feel guilty and to get on with living my life well for my husband, son and ironically for my SD so that she can see a normal role model. A book called "Step Monster" by Wednesday Martin who is insightful, has done her research and has actually done this tough job (she had 2 teenage step daughters). Sometimes we fail to look after our relationship. We have had fights and I have said stuff like "I do not find you attractive when you allow your teenage daughter to step all over you or worse flirt with you." Disengaging works for me for a couple of days and then I need a break. My SD16 tries to be a dominant presence full of her own importance. Just when she is calming down e.g. Sunday her mother took her out and got her makeup done for 3 hours to then go sit in a little coffee shop with 4 other 16 year olds. What chance do we have? Disengaging - I think of myself in a bubble, also do not ask questions, you do not want to know the answers. Do not be rude. Say "Good morning." Don't ask anything else. I do not do her stuff around the house. Not my job. I asked him to assign her chores which are appropriate for her age because I did not like her sitting watching me work. That is about the only thing I have actively interfered with. I also suggested he encourage her to learn how to catch public transport for the first time in her life! My mantra is "I am not the parent, this is not my problem." Try it! It is true. You did not create the problem.
Sorry second question was my
Sorry second question was my little boy is nearly four and already polite and keen to help people. The other day SD tripped over some plastic bottles ready to go to the bin, turned and sneered. My 3 year old picked them up and asked if he could take them to the bin! You can raise them your way. My sense is that my little one is a breath of fresh air for DH. He would never say that ofcourse and fair enough. It is tough though because you are protective but you can do it really well if you are in love with eachother. Really in love.
how is his parenting style
how is his parenting style with your son? permissive? just lets you do the parenting and not interfere? is an active partner in raising a proper child?
He is great with him. I
He is great with him. I communicate what matters to me and DH reinforces it when needed. If only it worked the same in reverse with his daughter. Everyone would be better off.
I am new to this site and saw
I am new to this site and saw this string and it sounds like the very reason I am here. I have also been trying to disengage from my SS16 but I am such an involved mom with my kids (BD13 and BD16) that I feel so guilty for giving up on him. He is not a bad kid just so lazy (bad grades, won't get a job) and his parents treat him like the little prince. I resent him so much and feel I could help him, but I have no power. My kids work so hard at school and sports and it makes me so mad that he gets the same rewards as them. So I know disengaging is the answer...but my kids wonder what the heck is wrong with me...how do I explain it to them?
I am new to this sight too.
I am new to this sight too. And am trying to figure out how to disengage as well. We will never have any power. My issues are the SD16, who happens to think she is the wife of her father. The care-taker. The one who stands by his side. The one who is his everything. And I am just some "girlfriend" who needs to get dumped by a pail of water so I will melt and disappear.....
My kids are well aware of the situation in our home. And they are beginning to be resentful of my fiance and his SD. It seems like an endless cycle. And the BM doesn't help much at all. She seems like she should have a cheerleading outfit on for every time the SD throws a tantrum over something she is pist off about regarding me and her dad. And that can simply be that I hugged him, or held his hand or touched him when I walked by him.
Even as I type I get sick to my stomach wondering how this big mess will be manageable.....
This is really tough. I am
This is really tough. I am like you and feel concerned and guilty when I disengage. I went to see a counsellor and she told me to stop feeling guilty. She said that it sounded like SD16 does not rely on me and that her parenting was in reality not my responsibility. She said that by being a good role model and pushing the parenting responsibilities back to her Dad and Mum I was doing the right thing. Honestly it really is working. She does not see me as important and that is a sad fact. Entitled lazy step kids need their parents to be parents. This is not your job!. Sit your girls down and explain that SS has 2 parents and that because you love all of them you will be an active parent with them and will be supporting your DH to be an active parent with SS. Your kids are smart enough to get it and they will shine by the sound of it because they have been given rules and boundaries. Tough love is what SS needs. It is so hard I know. The age gap with mine is easier I imagine. My son (nearly 4) will pick up rubbish SD16 knocks over and go put it in the bin! whilst she looks on disdainfully. I can imagine it is like this in your house but exaggerated by their close ages. Good luck. Stop feeling bad about it please.
It is difficult, especially
It is difficult, especially in a situation like mine where the kids don't have any contact with their real dad, so I feel guilty about it.
That being said, it's not like I have dissapeared. I am never mean or rude, I don't yell at them, and I try to help out and in many ways and act like a loving parent. I still have conversations with them and do things like pick them up when my wife is in a bind. Still, I don't spend any real "quality" time with them one-on-one, or at least very rarely. The wife has asked me about this, and I told her that I find them opinionated and abrasive, and they still say things that are very insulting to me on a daily basis (not directly - for example they like to make fun of southern accents in a mean-spirited way, and while they don't say to me "you talk like an idiot" they don't seem to make the connection that I, my family, and many of my friends talk that way).
I just cope. That's how I justify it. I am definitely more stressed than I was when I was single, and I know that stress over a long period of time is very bad for you, and can contribute to health problems. So, I don't yell and scream, I just take myself away from the situation. I'm not going to spend time with anyone who is negative, abrasive, and who says things that are offensive to me. If it were my friends or family, I would not do it then, and won't do it with kids that are not mine and frankly don't care that much one way or another about anything.
I am trying to get by until hopefully it will get better one day. At least the light at the end of the tunnel is that they both say they are moving far away from this place as soon as they can, so if that happens the wife and I can focus more on each other. I am also hoping before then they might mature somewhat and it could get better.
Just do what it takes to cope, that's all I can recommend.
This sort of sadness and
This sort of sadness and accepting stress is how I feel. It does have an impact on your health and it is not easy. The stress is not good. My SD16 took the chip out of our camera on the holidays. The only reason she got caught out is that her dad happened to take the camera back into the bedroom so she had to return it. There were photos my husband took of me in bikinis and just personal nice couple photos as well as of course family photos. I felt like my privacy had been invaded and knew that if my child at 16 did that I would be hugely disappointed and would discipline them appropriately. Our holidays were going well and I was happy, just got a job, recovered well from an operation made a resolve that I would detach more and was feeling strong. My husband was happy, my son was happy up until then and I now realise sadly because she was not around.
Somehow SD16 manages to do whatever it takes to put herself front and centre and I know it is because her dad enables her. Whilst he did mildly reprimand there was no consequence for her actions. He accepted her lame excuse "oh Daddy I just wanted a family photo to give to you." I dislike lying more than stealing.
Sorry that was not nice. This is upsetting me at the moment but I am usually a good person. She is rude to me just like other people describe. Making fun in snide ways like the last step parent describes or as one step mum says the whole throwing tantrums and sulks if her dad hugs or kisses me.
At the moment I want out and am afraid I will say something wrong.