Disengage at 15, but what about when he's 18?
This is my first posting on this site. I have been reading the forums for years and have found them helpful. I am looking for anyone who has had experience with disengaging from a misbehaving teenage skid and what happened when they turned 18.
There is so much to tell, but I'll try to keep is brief. I've been with my fiancé for 4 years and he has three kids, all of which I've always had a good relationship with. DH and BM separated almost 7 years ago and are divorced. We now only have SS-15 left in the house and we share time 50/50 with BM. When older brother left for college, the freedom and lack of supervision has resulted in some very bad behavior that continues to get worse and worse. SS is currently on his way to failing out of HS, he smokes weed regularly and lies. For the past year and a half, the only thing my fiancé and I have real arguments about is SS and how to turn him around. The main issue has been a lack of rules and consequences, but at the end of the day, I am not his mom and I cannot enforce anything.
Recently, things got really bad with SS lying, we found drugs in his room and his grades continued to get worse. Somehow he hasn't been kicked out of school yet, but I feel like it's coming. After the s**t hit the fan about 4 months ago, DH and BM got SS into therapy since he said he was so angry because of anxiety. Also, a few weeks ago he started going to tutoring twice a week to help with his grades. Unfortunately, there were other clear rules and consequences that were laid out for SS, but those are not really getting enforced. With therapy and tutoring, DH and BM feel like things will magically get better and all aspects of his behavior will improve. They are not. I was involved in the "family sit down" with both parents and SS and I thought we were all on the same page. Unfortunately, the "rules and consequences" put in place are not being enforced and when I ask DH about things that happen, he tells me that he gets the final say and doesn't want me to second-guess all of his decisions. This is hard since we have always communicated well, but when it comes to this child, I really don't get a say and it has been causing a major strain my my relationship with DH. A few weeks ago I hit my limit and decided to start disengaging (meaning, I don't want to know about grades or about SS lying, I don't care where he is, what assignments are missing, etc). When I know too much, it just makes me angry that no one else seems to want to do anything about it and my "reminding" DH of the agreed upon consequences only causes conflict.
I have only just started stepping away, but I feel good about it. I care about SS, but it is clear that my "help" and opinions don't matter right now. I am willing to step aside and let the "parents" parent, but what will happen when SS turns 18?
Disengaging sounds like a great idea, hypothetically. I have read plenty of stories that give me hope for my sanity. However, my concern is what happens when SS turns 18 and is now technically an adult. I have made it clear to DH that I do not agree with the behavior that is happening now and that I will NOT agree with it when he is 18. If he fails out of HS or moves on to harder drugs, he will not be able to work toward being an independent adult. I know we’re 2 years away, but I'd be naive to think all of a sudden "our house rules" will suddenly be enforced. Although he will likely move in with his mom since according to him he "hates living in our house", I wonder what happens when she gets a new boyfriend who refuses to put up with his crap and says he can't live there.
Have any of you had a personal experience with something like this?
Being disengaged does not
Being disengaged does not mean you don't have a say as to what happens in your home.
You need to have this discussion with your DH and agree upon what age 18 and on will look like.
For example - once 18 SS will need to be a full time student with a part time job, taking care of his personal financial needs and contributing to the home whether that be cleaning, yard or whatever Also respect for everyone in the home. Or he is not welcome to live there.
Or SS can not be a student but must have a full time job plus all of the above however will contribute financially to the household as well. And there is a time limit on living in the home, then agree on that limit.
If SS moves out at 18 returning to the home will be agreed upon as a couple and only if it is an emergency. Once agreed upon there will be a time limit. See above.
This does not mean you need to engage. Controlling your environment is necessary in any relationship including blended families.
☆ THIS! It Really Works
Agree, good suggestions. Worked for me.
I agree with disengaging but i demand
that hubby enforces and demands basic respect in the home, ss20 contributes to chores (like emptying trash, kitty litter and biscuits, vacuumin and making sure his room is clean etc), as my ss is in university he comes home every few weekends and also for mid semester breaks.
he would lock himself in the room not communicate with anyone. Its been about 2 years since he talked to me or even wanted to interact with my 2 toddlers (his half siblings). Hubby had his head in the sand and i’d had enough the way i and my kids were being treated by hubby and his kid.
I stated the facts (the ones he can’t deny, sarcasm was a great way to demonstrate the facts) because it made the way ss behaved and his excuses for everything so pathetic and ridiculous and thats a reflection on hubby.
My husband had full custody of ss since divorce 8-9 yrs ago and his mum abandoned him for 5 years. So we do not care one bit about what she wants and she doesn’t parent ss, thats between me and hubby.
Like you my issue is the failure to launch and that all of skids i doubt will launch. Sd22, ss20 still get a monthly allowance from hubby, they have no incentive to look for work actively its just sit on your arse waiting for magic to happen.
hubby intends to retire early in 2022, he said the kids will be cut off at that point, he will just tell them no more so they will be cut off cold turkey. I told hubby before then he should he encouraging and forcing they get jobs or they’ll be in the shits. But this is hubbys way of punishing their laziness, i don’t know...
i got to a point about 2 months ago how toxic the skids were and no way for 4 yrs ss giving the excuse he’s stressed when daddy tells him to behave and be respectful and not ignore us at home would I tolerate this anymore. Then add the 2 sd overstepping my authority regarding my 2 kids... i had enough and told hubby my only option was divorce. I cannot effectively parent or raise my kids in this environment and how dare hubby allow, enable and encourage this emotional abuse to us for no reason than just because. I suggested he get back together with the exwife because a few days with her would jog his memory back how it was hell with her and heaven with me.
finally it clicked in his head his kids have been guilting and manipulating him and they’ve learnt this by bio mum who’s realised she has 1 minor with hubby with about 4 yrs child support left and the adults could be cut off any moment so god forbid she have to actually contribute her own money that she stole and conned people from. Shes gotten the kids to lecture hubby he has a duty to support them only them (excluding and ignoring the fact he has 2 toddlers with me whom I actively parent), typical golden uterus syndrome.
You can’t live like this, its not healthy or normal and just creates a dysfunctional mess
No comment.
No comment.