I know detachment has been discussed in pervious post but there are so many. 

I need help with a situation I have found myself in for the last few years and decided to reach out to all of you for help in finding a starting point. 

When my wife and I started dating my Stepdaughters dad was not in her life except for 36 hours a month. He lived 6 hours away. When I moved in I was dubbed "daddy" by my stepdaughter. Fast forward to 2015, about a year later, her dad moves back and her mom and I get married. The power struggle between them happened and we ended up in court over visiting time etc. Short story with that is the norm "he's not your dad and you don't have to listen to him". To her I was dad and yes I am an adult in the home and should be listened to, to a point. 

Now I feel I am in a position where "daddy" was freely given and now for the last 2-3 years it was taken away. I know the freedom is there for her to do so and I respect that. But I am not at the point to where i need to detach to save my self esteem from going in to the drain and to save what relationship I might have with her.

I have no reason to believe that this is effecting my marriage. And would like to keep it from doing so as well. Also my stepdaughter is in counseling and she refuses to participate. I am also seeing someone separate from her for other reasons than this but it will become a topic. 

Thanks for your input.