Considering Disengaging
Hi everyone. This is my first time on this forum. I have a 9yo BD and a 15yo SD (just turned 15 in the beginning of the year). I have a 15yo SD who is spoiled, not made to do anything around the house, babied, coddled, disrespectful to everyone, bossy, inconsiderate, self centered....the list goes on and on and on.
BM sets no boundaries at her house. She is more concerned with being SD's friend than her mother. There is no set visitation, so SD basically comes to our house whenever DH doesn't have to work. She will not come over if there is any hint that she has to ride the bus to school...as that would involve her having to get up 30 minutes earlier. If something better comes along, or things don't go completely in her favor when she's here, she will go back to BM's house.
For instance, DH's mom is visiting us from out of state. SD was to spend this entire week with us. Monday night she texted her BM to see if she could go to school late the next day! This was before asking her father permission or if anyone at our house would be available to take her to school late. She just assumed that because it was what she wanted then it would happen. BM did tell her that she couldn't Tuesday because she had a game, but that she could another day this week. SD told me that and my response was "When you're at this house you go to school on time". About 20 minutes later SD comes out to tell me that she's going back to BM's house Wednesday night and will be gone the rest of the week and through the weekend. Hmmmm....imagine that. So, later on I call DH to see if he was aware of this and, of course, he wasn't. I was infuriated. She is so disrespectful and cares absolutely nothing for the fact that her grandmother may want to spend some time with her, not to mention her father, who hadn't seen her in about 2-3 weeks because of him being out of town to help his mom get stuff together after his father's passing about a month ago.
I am expected to treat her like a daughter when it comes to the good things, but not allowed to discipline her. I am through with this and am going to do nothing with her that involves any type of parenting. DH is no help. He thinks I too tough....excuse me for demanding that my children show me and others respect...how dare I! The other day I asked DD to ask SD to take the puppy out to use the bathroom. Our rule is that we actually walk her around the yard because if we don't she doesn't use the potty and then goes into the house and messes in the house. So, SD takes her out and puts her on the chain. I say, you need to walk her around or else she won't go. She rolls her eyes at me...which I let slide that time. So, she gets a leash and stands there with the dog. I said, you need to walk her around or else she won't go. She rolled her eyes again, so I yelled at her and told her if she rolled her eyes at me again she was going to be punished...so she proceeds to look at me and say "yea, uh-huh". At the same time DH looks at me and says "I've got it" (which is his response any time I try to discipline her) and then proceeds to get on me for yelling at her, all while she is standing there. Then she asks me why DD isn't taking the dog out. I told SD that I don't need to explain anything to her, but that since DD takes her out multiple times daily, it won't hurt SD to take her out when she's there. DH continues to give me crap, so I blow up at him and tell him that I refuse to allow her to roll her eyes at me and disrespect me. I go in the house and he goes after SD to poo-poo over her. Well, he did make her apologize to me...which consisted of her telling me she was sorry, and then them both telling me that she doesn't deal well with me having DD tell her that I want her to do stuff (this coming from SD who tells DD what to do all the time). My response to that was that I don't care how she deals with it but I'm the adult and if I ask Santa Claus to relay a message to her when I'm doing something else then that's what will happen!
I keep trying to explain to DH that he can't expect me to be a mother for the good things and not be a mother for the bad. So, I'm not going to do it for either.
Sorry for the long vent!!!
Just write her off and ignore
Just write her off and ignore her.
I agree, I can see her not
I agree, I can see her not wanting to be told what to do by BD, but BD made it clear by saying, "mom asked me to tell you to take the dog out". I heard this, so I know that was what was said. I always make sure that if I have SD ask BD to do something, or vice-versa, that I have them convey it in a way that they know the request is coming from me, not from the sister. Maybe, that was wrong, but she doesn’t need to think that I will stop doing something just because she tells me that she doesn’t “take it well” in the tone of a smart-mouth. If she would learn to communicate respectfully then maybe I would take her thoughts on the matter into consideration.
Regarding the walking in circles, I guess I didn’t clearly state what happened. When I was asking her to walk the dog around, I didn’t mean that I was asking her to walk her in circles, “around” literally….but take her for a walk on the property. I said this to her, didn’t yell it to her, but stated it calmly with a smile, even after she rolled her eyes at me. I didn’t raise my voice to her until she rolled her eyes at me a second time and I yelled to her if it happened again she would be punished. So, it wasn’t like I was yelling like a banshee for her to walk the dog in circles…lol. I responded with authority to the lack of respect she showed me after being nicely reminded of something that she has been told numerous times.
After much thought, I feel that me disengaging from any parenting roles in the house, regarding SD, is the best for everyone involved….especially myself and my relationship with my husband. I have begun resenting him for allowing her to disrespect me with him standing right there, and then basically chiding me in front of her. I have asked him numerous times to wait until neither of the children are around for us to address any issues we have with each other. It does nothing but show the kids that I am not an authority figure and don’t need to be heeded or respected. I resent her because her parents have allowed her to rule the roost and be involved in each households decisions, so much that she gets pissed if she isn’t consulted in something. It’s not her fault that both of her parents are not willing to make the effort to keep a balance.
I guess part of what really ticks me off is that I have no problem whatsoever if he disciplines or corrects my child. He has a wonderful relationship with her. He corrects her when needed, and I allow him to do it. However, I do have a problem when he is so quick to correct my daughter for talking with food in her mouth, or for leaving something lay, but he doesn’t correct his own daughter in any way, shape or form. In the 6 years we’ve been together she has only been punished once. That one time was a time that I did it by taking her phone away. She had been asked repeatedly not to take food off of my plate while we were eating. She didn’t listen, so when she did it again I said, that’s it, you didn’t listen so I’m taking your phone away for the rest of the time you are here. I did it and, guess what….she has never since taken food off of my plate.
Thanks for the advice!
Gosh I know how you feel I
Gosh I know how you feel I have the same problems with my 14 year old SD. I really feel for you. I don't know how to cope either it's becoming harder by the year! I don't know what to do and at my wits end most of the time, I really want some positive advice how to cope, constructive suggestions can I disengage at this age!! I feel like disengaging with all of them husband and all!!
I can understand....and feel
I can understand....and feel your pain! I have decided that I am going to disengage...effective immediately. My SD just turned 15 so between the normal teenage crap, on top of the fact that I haven't been portrayed as someone who deserves respect, has just made it miserable. Time to look out for ourselves! I just got a book last night, and have only made it to chapter 5 or so, that has really helped me see that I'm not bad for wanting to do this, and was just really informative. It is "StepMonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do " by Wednesday Martin. It is, so far, fabulous! It is available on Kindle, if you have that, but I chose the hard copy because I want to highlight excerpts to go back and read when I need the reminder
Have you or anyone you know
Have you or anyone you know gone to a family counselor for these issues?
I feel like removing myself from the situation completely when skids are here. Maybe a hotel or girls weekend away. But that's not the answer.
Whose dog is that?
Whose dog is that?
It is the kids' dog...well, a
It is the kids' dog...well, a family dog. We had to have our other dog put to sleep over a year ago and both girls were begging us to get another one. We had the discussion with both of them that if we got another dog then everyone had to be responsible for the feeding/taking out, etc. So, it's everyones dog...and everyone takes care of her, without being told, except for SD.
I have disengaged. When
I have disengaged. When either of the SKids come over I just go about my business. They don't like being there, and I don't pay no attention. They don't like the rules we set in our house because there are none at the BM's house. They don't like doing chores at our home but oh we'll everyone has a role. They don't like the fact that we don't spoil them like BM. They are simply a pair of brats that don't give a rat's ass for anyone but themselves.
Have the same problem with my
Have the same problem with my SS16. I already disengaged. But he still needs to open the patio door to let the dogs out if we're not home---his only friggin chore. The last time the dogs had an accident indoors, one of many because of his laziness, the very last time I had it, I disciplined him. He lives with us full time so SM or not, there is no way he gets away with it. DH wasn't allowed to stop me or talk back to me. If he didn't discipline I was going to because I'm not living with dog piss on my floors. Told him if he didn't like it, leave & take skid with him. I put nanny cams in too. Because I disengaged he hardly hears me nagging or talking to skid anymore. So when I finally get mad over skid being a jackass, they both listen now. Disengaging is very powerful.
Have tried disengaging with
Have tried disengaging with SD13 but my husband won't let me. He won't allow me to discipline her or even have an opinion on her behaviour yet he gets angry when I refuse to do much for her. The other day he asked me for advice on how to deal with her. I refused to give any and said she is your daughter you know how to deal with her best. He got really angry and said she lives with us so how can I have so little to do with her. Ian the past he's either let her off with my punishments or not followed my advice always saying I'm too hard on her! I give up I cannot get it right
This is a very, very old
This is a very, very old post. really out of date.
But I do have to say what do you mean your DH won't "let" you disengage? Are you not a person in your own right or just his wife?
I mean he makes it very
I mean he makes it very difficult for me by getting angry and telling me I'm unreasonable. And SD also continues to ask me and approach even though I've asked her not too. I think the prob is that she manipulates and guilts her dad because he lets her. I just think he wants me to do the dirty work. The latest is she is spending more time at BM's ( who she has had no contact with for two years) I think to punish him for spending time with me. His story is she is staying away because of me. I think the promised by BM new clothes shoes and I pod is also a contributing factor. Do you think it's possible for a nice man to become abusive because of circumstances? Sorry to go on
From the other side of your
From the other side of your point of view... It is possible for a nice man to go ballistic and seem abusive. I'm in a relationship with my SS that has become the ever-growing wedge in my marriage. My wife sees me as the abuser and never sees that SS is manipulating and pushing my buttons. I've never gotten angry so often in all my life (44yo) as in the past 3-4 yrs. He does his typical stuff like lounging around while everyone is doing chores, sleeps in til noon because he's been texting and surfing porn all night on the smartphone I'm paying for, is failing miserably in high school because he thinks he doesn't need to do homework just because he doesn't see the point, and always requires reason beyond reason before even thinking about carrying out a chore that I assign. There are many more things, but this leads a step parent with all responsibility and no authority when BM always sides with him and BD never confronts his son because he's too busy being the "best friend" to his son instead of a father. I understand what you are stating, but when it comes to stepparents, we lose a lot of ourselves. A movie quote states that "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one". Unfortunately, stepparents are always the one.
In a similar deal. Our
In a similar deal. Our situation has caused my husband to become verbally abusive if his kids are even mentioned in a non worshipful way. It's hard. I have decided to disengage and try to show him I love him when alone but when she's home there's no room for me. The couch is full. My sd is 17. I also have a toddler with him so its just complicated. I have chosen to make my son my life. She has a mother and a father. I am guilted about her sporting events etc but I feel so low on his totem pole that its almost humiliating to go to stuff like that. Plus I just want to focus on my son since it hurts to be focused on other. Good luck to you. I used to express every feeling and concern but I have finally figured out he will never see and will never understand. She's perfect and I'm flawed. It's a hard realization but it has helped me stay silent when needed instead of attempting to communicate bc he won't communicate about
It. He leaves, loses it, threatens divorce. He's a good man but this has changed us both.
Stepdad ditto. I'm a stepdad
Stepdad ditto. I'm a stepdad with a 17yr old SS that is doing the same thing. BM always says I'm picking on him when it comes time to set him straight on the infuriating habits (like not doing homework and spending all night on the computer for Youtube and iTunes), but wants me to reward, engage or kiss his... well, any way, I've decided to disengage at this point. Too many arguments. Step parents are always in hell when it comes to the step kids. Always to blame but rarely, if ever, recognized. All the responsibility but no authority. Someone wrote in another post that if Dante would make another level of hell it would be stepparenting. I'm inclined to agree. Also, BD is always a Disneyland dad or "buddy". Never acknowledges to talk about any of the issues with SS (junior) even when he tells my wife he will. No hope in mending relationship with SS, so I need to save my marriage and sanity by stepping back.
Thank you for this
Thank you for this perspective. SD has since moved back to BMs permanently and my H is devastated. He says she has betrayed him. I say she is not your spouse so stop a ting like she's cheated or dumped you!!!! I am delighted from a selfish viewpoint but keeping that to myself. As men do you think that dads seem to be a little in love with their daughters? Never inappropriate but seems a bit of an over reaction to me. Am I being unfair??
I have asked myself the same
I have asked myself the same question. I found some interesting reading and will try to track it down for you. It was written by a psychologist and was about grown men having too close a relationship with their daughters. It occurs in 'normal' and divorced families. His theory was the dad cannot handle the complexities of a relationship with a grown woman and so transfers some, most or all of their loving intensity onto the daughter. it is not ok and is a selfish ego thing. So much easier to spoil a girl and get "oh daddy you are great" and simple adoration if when he is not great. The child learns to play the game for rewards. The dance is fixed. The grown man has locked himself in. The child becomes a teenager and the intensity and the complexity ramp up. The man in a lot of cases wants to escape. Problem is that the child has become so good at pressing buttons e.g. withdrawing affection when he does not join in, that he is trapped.
It does not mean they are bad men in a lot of cases. Mostly they are probably not even slightly thinking it through.
That is my summary of it because sorry I could not find the original article.
Basically he says that these guys need help to learn to have a mature relationship with a grown woman.
In the case of divorce, then these men have a chance if they meet and marry a woman they really love and what to try to have a whole relationship with. This may give them the motivation to change.
You must disengage. Do not freak out about it like I did. Know that he is having his buttons pushed with this withdrawal of affection game and observe but see yourself as above it and keep enjoying the good parts of your life. I cannot tell you how much I wished that I had known this and just disengaged.
I have started to disengage
I have started to disengage and feel so guilty but its only way. It feels so selfish bc it affects my husband (we have a 2 year old together). If she's going to be home (which is all the time except for school ) I just want to be away with my son to not have to deal with their "relationship" which is just overboard. He's the buddy and they are like two kids hanging out. She's 17 almost 18. My disengaging doesnt just shut my sd out it shuts my husband out except when she's not home. I have tons of guilt but he has been unsupportive in ways that I don't even have time or space on here to explain. I can tell she's hurt a little not by my absence but bc my baby is not their for her entertainment. I have had to set major boundaries in order to reclaim my baby and my power bc when I was depending on my husban to have my back he didn't and they had free reign. They are nice kids, good kids, just spoiled and entitled and controlling. I'm disengaging bc of my husbands lack of empathy and support - I feel betrayed daily. They have a mom and a dad and never really want much to do with me unless I'm buying them something or taking them somewhere or if they want to take over my child. It's been a tough road. Disengaging will work really well when my husband realizes that I'm doing what I have to do in order to handle it and in process he's sort of sacrificing both me and our child all bc he doesn't want to discipline, cross or teach his older kids. It's a free for all for them with him but I can't live that way and determined that my son won't have to. Disengaging - I'm not sure if
It's right or Christian but sometimes its the only way even if just temporarily. Just my opinion. Good luck