14 Year Old Stepdaughter
My stepdaughter is 14 and I have been in her life for the last 10 years - her biological mother lost custody and visitation rights many years ago and I have been the only mother she knows. Every year my husband reassures me it's going to get better, but things are only getting worse. Even now she likes to pull out the "I'm not your real daughter" or "you're not my real mom" when things aren't going her way, even though she recently told me that she is terrified her biological mother wants to regain custody of her. I have always been there for her, though it has been very hard. I know that she has trauma and issues, but she absolutely refuses to talk to anyone about them, not even family or her closest friends. Her attitude is about to kill me. I cannot get her to understand there's a difference between dirty and disgusting - she hoards food in her room (even though she has NEVER gone without and is fed daily) until is molds. She refuses to throw away trash. She told me that if it bothered me so much, I could clean it, and recently I did that and discovered a bottle of empty alcohol (which she swears she didn't drink, but I have my doubts). I understand all teenagers go through a rebellious phase, but the blatant disrespect is about killing me. She talks nasty to me in front of her friends. Her biological mother's sister continues to enable her and I don't know if she'll ever stop. It's very difficult for me because at the end of the day I am NOT technically her mother, but I feel after 10 years I should have a little bit of respect. She treats me like absolute garbage, yet tells her father she loves him every day. There are times I get so frustrated I want her to go live with her biological mother, though I know that's not what she really wants and is not the best for her. I hate myself for feeling that way. It is putting a strain on my marriage with my husband. She has an older brother who is 20 and our relationship is fine - he had a rough patch between the ages of 10 to 12, but it has been smooth sailing ever since. I just don't know how to get through to her at all. I feel hopeless.
It’s not because your a SM
Oh wow that sounds very tough and you sound amazing btw. I don't think it's because your her SM she is treating you like this, she's treating you like this because she is a teen and struggling. The hoarding sounds like it could be from being without perhaps when her mum did have her? It's probably something she needs to work through with someone that can help her.
Have you tried the when/then method? When you have cleaned your room then you can have a friend over/go shopping/ to the mall/sports etc. I'd spend the time to help her get the room the standard your happy with (with her and teach her how) and then tell her she has to maintain this level of cleanliness everyday and if she doesn't she won't be able to do xyz until it's done.
These are just some practical tips for you but I see your issues with her are much more than keeping her room clean.
I have tried that method, but
I have tried that method, but there is nothing stopping her from walking right out the door. I worry about where she will go.
"she absolutely refuses to
"she absolutely refuses to talk to anyone about them, not even family or her closest friends"
Im not surprised she won't talk to family or friends because they are part of her life anand she doesn't want them to interfere in her life nor judge her. Has she ever been to counselling because that's the healthiest place for her to discuss her issues?
She spoke to a school
She spoke to a school counselor a few years ago, but it did not go well. She refused to speak.I have been looking at therapy, but there are not many options where we live and hardly any of them accept our insurance.I don't know if we would be able to pay out of pocket. My husband and I are always struggling financially.
Is your husband putting his foot down with her on
house rules? Is she is always saying "I love you Daddy" because it makes him melt and then he lets her get away with crap? What you allow will continue. As a teen I was NEVER allowed to bring food in my room and I did not because there were consequences. I was made to remove trash, food, etc while they watched and supervised, then thanked me. Trauma is not an excuse to be disgusting and nasty...but it could be a cause and effect of course. Your husband needs to be a team with you as he has the natural respect and authority as the bio parent. You can believe I was a rebellious teen...but both my parents made it clear no disgusting slobbery was allowed and I respected it because they would NOT let me get away with disgusting habits that affected the household. I also had depression issues as a teen and my parents had me see a counselor to help me...maybe that would help her also.
My husband is at a total loss
My husband is at a total loss because I think he's never been a teenage girl and doesn't quite understand the hormones and emotions pumping through her body.He is also very, very against ever talking about his feelings or his own trauma. He has been hurt so badly in the past that he has put a wall up, that even I can't really break through.
"Well, if I am not your real
"Well, if I am not your real mom and you are not my real daughter then what are you doing living in my very real home?"
"So, rethink that bullshit and get it straight in your head or... GTF out. Your choice."
My SS never played the "I'm not...." or the "Your not..... " card. But he did come home from SpermClan visitation with the occasional "(SpermGrandHag) says you are not my REAL dad and I can't call you dad". Bullshit. To which he got the reminder about our discussions on what a BioDad is, a StepDad is, and a REAL Dad is. And the discussion on past instances when SpermGrandHag plied her manipulative harpy shit about not calling me "Dad".
He quickly recounted those discussions and realigned with the historic facts and practices.
I am his REAL dad, The only one he has ever had. Though he has always known and had contact with his SpermDad. And he never chose to call me anything but "Dad" which he first chose to call me when he was less than 2yo. Of course by the time SpermGrandHag got into his head with those manipulations I gave him only the choice to stick with Dad or he could call me "Mr.. LastName". If "Dad" was no longer good enough, that was his only other choice.
He chose to stick with "Dad". He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen and he chose to take our family name. He chose me, just as I chose him. Though in all reality his Mom chose me to be his dad, and for him to be my kid. Sneaky, sneaky.
SS: "Dad, Gramma says that you are not my REAL Dad, you are only my StepDad.
Rags: "Son, your mom and I have talked with your about how a BioDad is the dad that made you with your Mom and a StepDad is the dad that is married to your mom and loves you and your mom very much.. And how a REAL dad is the dad that goes to work everyday and works hard to provide a nice home for you to live in, a safe neighborhood for you to live in, have safe vehicles for you to ride in, good schools for you to go to, good doctors to keep you healthy, toilet trains you, teaches you to tie your shoes, to ride your bike, to read, to write, coaches your sports teams, and loves you and your mom very much."
SS: "Dad, a StepDad sounds like a REAL dad to me. Can we go outside and play?"
SS: "Dad, Gramma says that you are not my dad and I can't call you dad. I can only call (SpermIdiot) dad."
Rags: "Well son. You started calling me dad not long after you started walking and I have always been Dad to you. So, if you no longer want to call me Dad, you can call me Mr. LastName. I do not allow children to call me anything but Mr. LastName unless they are your cousins who call me Uncle Firstname. Your choice, what is it going to be?"
SS: "Dad, you are my dad. I will stick with Dad."
Good call kid. Though I did have to wipe a tear from the corner of my eye.
That is so heartwarming to
That is so heartwarming to hear! Thank you for sharing your story.
I have not been there since their birth, but SD was 4 and SS had just turned 10 when I met them. I have been the mother figure in their lives. I've never demanded that they call me "Mom," I just wanted them to know I loved them and would always be there for them. Their grandmother and Aunt are the only two family members that constantly beat it into their heads that I was not their "Real Mom." SS has had many arguments with the both of them over this issue - he could see through everything. SD doesn't have memories of how bad things used to be with BM, so she doesn't realize that she was better off. I cannot imagine the children's lives if my husband hadn't broken up with BM and cut off contact. They would have only known her as a ghost that floated in and out of their lives. DH would have continued to be a struggling single father. It makes me so sad.
Only parts of it are sad.
Only parts of it are sad. Mostly it is a triumphant and happy story. You are their mom regardless of what they call you.
We never suggested that SS call me dad nor did we make him call me dad. When his mom and I were dating she had a pic of the Spermidiot on the wall in her living room and when she would talk to the Spermidiot, get a letter from him, etc... and would ask SS where daddy was, he would point at the pic. About 3mos after we started dating, SS-29 was 15mos old when his mom and I met and started dating, she and I were talking about his daddy and everytime she would say daddy he would point at me rather than the picture. Spermidiot had commited to several visits but every time DW and SS would take the bus to the airport to meet his plane, he was never on it.
When SS stated talking, he just called me Daddy. We went with that as his mom and I progressed in our relationship and ultimately married the week before he turned 2yo.
I get that my situation is kind of the unicorn of SParent/blended family stories. Yours is more complicated with the age of the Skids when your adventure began.