Where to go from here ??
I m a single mom of 4 children ~ there father passed away 6 years ago.
I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a high conflict Ex ~ who frankly loathes me. My fiancé n I dated over 25 years ago ~ we were friendly when we ended things ~ I wanted what he wasn't ready to give me. We chatted in the beginning ~ we had mutual friends. Easy to get tabs on his life n visa versa.
He started dating crazy ex wife n they dated for 3 months broke up n she came back to him n informed him she was pregnant. He did NOT stay with her ~ after his daughter was born things changed. He had then move in ~ shortly after ~ she was asked to leave. Couldn't handle not seeing daughter n had her move back in ~ when daughter was 7 they got married n divorced 4 years later. She rides the crazy train !!!
When we got back together his daughter was 15. The list of shot she has done would make your head spin.
She was caught by the cops w bf who had drugs on him. = grounded
Would sneak out of MY home ( cutting my screens ) = grounded
Caught smoking pot = grounded
Brought ectasy pills in my home where I had a five yr living.
Was caught having sex in a car on school property by a teacher.
Those are just some highlights !
We had an incident happen at my home over the holidays where his daughter's was completely disrespectful to one of my guests. At this point I had had enough ~ the disrespect was on over load. This is MY home , my safe haven for my children ~ the only home they know of. I could no longer have her SD or her bf in my home.
In turn ~ SD turned her back on her father ~ she felt neglected that he didn't lover her any longer. She came to my home ~ collected her belongings n announced she was never stepping foot in this house ever again. ( thank you god)
The next couple of months she harassed n bullied my daughter on a daily basis at school ~ cause she wasn't getting Daddy's attention ~ oh she was getting his attention ~ he called n questioned her as to why ~ no response was given. I guess she didn't like Daddy's reaction.
She ignored him for 2 solid years ~ he went into the Great Depression. Her lovely mother decided it was a great idea for mom to move in with her bf out of state. Leaving the daughter to live w daughters bf's family for the remainder of the 4 months of her senior yr in HS. ( great mom huh ? )
In the past 2 months my fiancé n his daughter have rekindled their relationship. Daughter has Inuit her job n she dropped out of college last year. ~ here comes the pity party. All choices she made on her own.
My question is ~ how do I deal w this relationship ? I want him to have a relationship with her. I know how manipulative she is ~ I feel like it's only a matter of time. I am standing strong on my thought of ~ I am owed an apology for all the shit she put me through ~ am I off my rocker ??? I will not let her enter my home w out an apology.
As fathers ~ where is his brain ??
No, you are absolutely
No, you are absolutely correct to hold that standard. I totally agree with you. However, a genuine apology is freely given, not coerced by daddy, not one where daddy says, apologise to keep the peace, and certainly not an "I'm sorry you feel that way" insulting one. Just love that one.
If the girl was genuine, she'd have realised what she had done, and you wouldn't be asking for or expecting an apology. She'd have given it by now.
I do want him to have a
I do want him to have a relationship with his daughter. He n his ex wife ~ were the worst parents ~ grow up people. Bad mouthing the other in front of the daughter. That taught the daughter how to manipulate so well. Trying being parents in the verb form ~ not in the noun. Being a parents requires action ~ it's not just a title. You didn't help her at all ~ being her friend. She needed rules , boundaries n guidance.
Epic Fail !!!
My forgiving her is effecting them ??? Sorry if that's the case ~ I will always stand constant on that ~ if I waiver I lose credibility to my own children. Not happening. This is MY home ~ I bought it. If he doesn't respect where I come from ~ there is the door.
For me it wasn't about
For me it wasn't about forgiving them. It was more about moving on from them and letting it go. I haven't forgotten, I won't forget, but I moved away from them, they are out of my life and there they will stay. So in knowing that, I don't worry about them or what they did anymore. I just don't care. Bit like spilling a carton of milk and a dozen eggs. What a bloody mess. It goes into every nook and cranny. But once you have cleaned up the sticky mess, you don't dwell on it forever after. You always remember you did it and the mess it made, but you don't keep running it around in your head for years. You get over it, but you don't forget. Once you clean them out of your life, you never forget what they did to you, but you don't dwell on it either. In fact I now feel a bit sorry for them, their lives must be awful carrying all that hate inside. Still, their life, their choice. I choose to be happy.
Yes she graduated from HS.
Yes she graduated from HS. Went one semester to community college n quit. Quit her job as well. She is 19 now soon to be 20.
I am all for him spending time with her ~ honestly I am. It's your daughter spend time with her but please don't ever ask me to allow her in MY home I could never. For what she did to my daughter I can't get passed that. I am supporting my daughter just as he is. I seriously don't think an apology will ever be given or genuine.
Most of his nieces n nephews are on her social media ~ at the wedding I went to recently. Comments from the nieces n nephews were she is such a bitch. I do not engage in a conversation about her. I have never aired my laundry out his one sister questioned us about the incident on Xmas eve 3 years ago n how disrespectful the boys were. Fiancé looked at like I said something n I didn't. My fiancé's sister is behind me 100% ~ thinks her actions are putried
His whole family loathes the Ex wife n see how the daughter has fallen off her apple tree. But the all believe in the hope that she will see the error in her ways ~ nothing is spoken about her behavior ~ just an shoulder shrug. Why everyone is so afraid of her I don't get. She is not a super hero. She's a spoiled rotten ungrateful entitled ~ self absorbed ~ self righteous ~ Veruca Salt.
Do you really need this in
Do you really need this in your life? If I were you I would concentrate on my own three kids and moving forward with them. I would say no to any additional drama.
I am sorry their father passed away at what was probably a young age. Be a single mom to them, not a step mom, or fill in for someone else. In the end you will do what is right, whatever that decision is. Why ask for trouble? Why do that to yourself?
The high conflict Ex will bring you nothing but trouble and sleepless nights. It is quite frankly not worth the effort.
Here is the issue: You are a single mom because of the death of their father and your husband. You are an amazing woman, you have been through things that most of us will never experience. You, are a rock. You do not need this in your life, not on any level. I would keep the safe haven intact and not take on the burden of somebody's issue. You will more then likely not get that apology, if you do, it is a forced apology and not really the real intent of one. If you are going to carry on with this man his daughter will be an issue forever. If the two of you marry the house becomes his as well. His daughter will have to be allowed into the home of her father. He is a package deal, between the high conflict Ex and the daughter, things look mighty rocky ahead. I would opt out of that drama immediately.
~ I love the advice. I
~ I love the advice.
I don't believe I will ever marry again. It's just not in my cards ~ I have struggled in my marriage n life for the past 12 years. With adultery n really not looking forward to trying. I m very content how things are with him. I love him .... Just hesitant. ~ gotta little beaten dog syndrome going on.
6 months after my husband died ~ I lost my hero as well. The loss of my father was so detrimental to me n still effects me greatly. Yes I m a strong woman ~ I have heard people say that. My relatives have sad to me ~ how do you go on ~ how do you get up everyday. Here's my answer ~~ my children. If I didn't have them ~ I d b in a rubber room.
I do throw around the idea of her apologizing n it's just not going to happen. I guess my frustration is ~ as he sits with his daughter n spends time with her ~ do you know just want to shake her n say WTF ??? Instead he just states at her in awe ~ ughh please give me a barf bag. No one has ever held this veruca salt accountable ~ I can't let it slide it effected my kids.
If you think about the timing ~ as his daughter was harassing n bulling my daughter ~ she was grieving for her father n my Dad. What piece of shit does that ~ she is the Tinman ~ a heartless soul. If losing him is in my near future ~ bye bye Peter Pan. Open your freakin eyes ~ your family sees how she is treated n how she treats others. They are simply amazed ~
He is awesome w my kids. He is awesome with me. He just struggles with her. Can't wrap my brain around it.