What did I get into?
Hello all. This is my first time posting on the site so bear with me.
When I first met my wife. It was about 6 years ago. She was fine, in shape, and ambitious. She had a son but it was my first time meeting someone with a child. I was looking for a relationship as I had just gotten out of one with the mother of my daughter (never married). Anyway, I must admit, everything was awesome, she was a professional in the business world (unlike ex-girlfriend) and seemed to have things together.
I met her while her son was away with his father one summer. We vibed together and for the entire summer I thought I was in the best relationship I had ever been in. We spent so much time together and I must say I was "happy". Little did I know what I was getting into...
Fast-forward, the first time I met the boy, it seemed fair enough. As time passed I began to see the jealousy and clinginess that just put knots in my belly. After a while I could not be in the same room with the child. My stomach would be intensely raw just from hearing his voice. He sleeps with teddy bears and games, games, games! Not to mention he slapped me in public when he was younger. It wasnt the slap that upset me but the mere disrespect. From his point of view, I was just "his buddy" or just another person in the house underneath him and his mommy.
Well, I have enough issues to deal with of my own and sometimes things just get too unbearable. I mean he is not a "bad kid" at least not extremely disrespectful or backtalking. He does what he is told. 10yrsold. I just see somethings maybe not clearing up further down this journey.
Sometimes I think about leaving because from what I see I may only be second rate. Quite frankly its hard to be in a relationship with a woman when youre not emotionally invested in the offspring. Thats my opinion.
Oh and with me not working right now, things do feel a little more pressured. I'll save my issues for another post. 
You're right I have let it
You're right I have let it go. I guess experiencing the bond that I have with BD and raising her from a child, I feel like she would never have struck me. And even if so it would not have "felt" out of context.
Wife is respectable. She doesnt let things get out of control. We've been through alot.
Was he 5 when he slapped you
Was he 5 when he slapped you cause it's pretty typical for a little kid to push a boundary. It's also not at all odd for 10 yo to sleep with teddy bears, tho I don't really understand what you mean when you say he sleeps with games. He's clingy, he's jealous.... Okay, again, this is not unusual.
The question is what does his mom do about it? Did she sharply correct him for striking you? Has she addressed his jealousy and clinginess or does she allow the kid to push in between you?
Is it your wife's responses, or lack there of, that make you feel second rate or is it just the way the kid acts? Because expecting this kid to behave in a way that makes you feel like super adult, crazy respected daddy figure isn't very realistic. You say he behaves so what is it that you are expecting from this 10 year old kid? He's not responsible for making you feel good about yourself.
Yea he was pretty young
Yea he was pretty young lol.
The teddy bears, besides sleeping with them, he wants to carry them to places with him like malls and stores. He also likes to carry gaming devices everywhere as well. Perhaps this is typical, but sometimes it can be a bit extreme. Like when helping to carry bags into the house, the hands are occupied with gaming devices and toys. It can become annoying.
The clingyness and jealousy has died down for the most part within the last 5 yrs.
She did address the striking but as I stated above, it was just a shock because Im not accustomed to being struck by kids. And again im not whining about it, I think its more of the energy and attitude behind the strike. If it was my son, I feel like there is mutual respect which keeps biologicals from most forms of disrespect. I could be wrong though...
Her responses have gotten better over the years but I guess its more of the way he acts. Maybe I just see I would do things differently with him if he was my BS.
Ok so it sounds like the kid
Ok so it sounds like the kid has the start of a video game addiction which absolutely should be addressed and limited. That would suck, particularly is mom ignores it. Yea, it's not unusual, but frigging irritating.
No one is (or should be anyway) accustomed to being struck by a child or anyone else. And I am sure it was a shock. However, the assumption that a biological link automatically means a kid will never try to hit you is.... really illogical and unfounded. Most kids, starting at around a year and a half begin to throw temper tantrums. Based on parental reaction those tantrums can cease entirely by two or three or they can escalate and become ever more loud, violent explosions until mom and dad figure out how to effectively deal with them. Some kids are wired to be super sweet, never would strike another, others have impulse control issues and their anger and frustration is let out by physicality. They are kids, in this case Little kids and need to be trained.
The biologically basically only gives more authority in the ability to train and correct, it is not some instinctual Oh Parent, must respect. Kids test their limits, it's what they do. At 5, 10, 15, 18.... It's not a personal attack, it's part of development. And if the undesirable behaviors aren't corrected then oh yeah, you get kids at 10 and 15 that are the most disrespectful little beasts, violent, manipulative, lying little monsters. But it sounds like this kid's mom is doing a pretty fair job.
It sounds like you just aren't particularly taken with the kid's personality. That he's just not your cup of tea and that's cool. But it sounds like you may need to readjust your expectations if you really want to stay with your wife. He's not your kid. You may never be that enthused with his personality, you may never want to go on a boys weekend with him. You can't expect this to function like a first family, it's just not. You have a daughter - unless you get back with her mom you are never going to be in intact, first family mode again.
You aren't the kids dad and you can't expect for him to feel that way about you or to feel that way about him. If your wife is supportive, listens to and addresses your concerns about behavior, you're doing great as far as blended families go. If not feeling that innate bond with the kid is going to make you feel second rate, then you may just not be cut out for having a step kid. Most of the time the problems arise from the parent putting the step kid before the spouse, ignoring the concerns, the disrespect and the behavior. It sounds like your wife is having your back and the kid is a pretty good kid. So I guess I'm just really unclear as to what it is that's making you feel second rate since the complaints from your original post are like 5 years old and have been generally addressed and resolved?
Hey Aeron. I guess that fact
Hey Aeron. I guess that fact that I am not working right now. And perhaps the subtitle little things like pausing in conversation between me and the wife or being on the couch watching tv when she comes home from a full shift of work is making me feel second rate. She is footing all the bills and sometimes I wonder, why am I here?
Things wasnt always like this but we've been through so much, I'm not sure where to start. I'm not trying to be his dad but there are times where the question comes "are you his father" from somewhere and you have to step to the role. If he gets in trouble at school, and mother is not available, who do you think has to represent the boy? So now I have to represent a child that is mainly raised and reared by "mommy" with my minimal parenting input.
Ok that makes more sense, but
Ok that makes more sense, but none of it is the kid's fault. It's pretty easy to resent a kid in these situations even though that's misdirected.
And if it's not your dynamic, not how you and your wife have things set up, no you don't have to set into that role. So they ask if you're the dad and you say no. If his mother Really can't deal with school and there is seriously no other option, when you go and talk to people you inform them that you will relay the information to his mother. You are the step parent and do not have the authority to fix this. If they want to further discuss it, take it up with mom.
Or you talk to your wife and tell her that you aren't ok with the dynamic. That is she needs you in this father position that you need more input into the parenting. Disengaging may not be working for you, it doesn't for some families. Maybe your wife will be ok with you taking a more active role, you need to talk to her about it. At least tell her that you're unhappy and while part of it isn't her fault (and I assume you're doing your best about finding work etc) it's not working for you to be playing Mr Mom to her kid with the family dynamics the way they are.
Sorry Im confused, youve been
Sorry Im confused, youve been with your girlfriend for 6 years. Her son is now 10 years old.
5 years ago he hit you and 5 years ago his being clingy and jealous really got to you but now, 5 years on, its mostly died down.
You know the whole thinking over raising children in the similar context to training a dog right? You have to enforce the behaviour at the time of the behaviour? Praise for good and deal with any unwanted behaviour at the time. Bit unfair on the kid to have barriers up against him based on what he was like as a youngster. Lets not forget most kids are evil during their terrible twos and threes, but some kids dont get there until aged 4.
You would look at it all differently if it was your son, in the same way I am sure your daughter has done things in the past that have caused upset but you let them go because you are confident in that biological bond.
You dont have that bond with him because he is your girlfriends son.
What is generally most important when living in a step situation is having the support of your partner and knowing (and agreeing) with parental styles. if you dont agree with her parenting methods then its going to be a rough ride for a long time.
Also, without being rude, if you have intentionally or unintentionally held a grudge against this boy for his past behaviours without dealing with them and/or not been happy with his mothers way of handling them then it is no surprise that you feel second class within the household.
You might want to visit the
You might want to visit the "Teenage Stepchildren" board to see if this is something you want to stay in.
My ss12 has came at me
My ss12 has came at me physically 3 times. Good thing I used to cage fight and know how to restrain someone without hurting them lol. He bullets and uses his size at school and with his brothet to intimidate people. He 4'11'' and weighs 160 lbs. He fat. Sorry if that's not political correct but he is. The last time was about two weeks ago. I confronted him about going into his grandmas room and he got in my face and went to push me. I spin him so fast and sunk in a rear naked choke hold on him he didnt even know what to do. I let him up and he just sat there looking at me. I told him that from Herron out 12 or not if you feel the need to step like a man then I'm taking y oou down like one. He used to hit his mom and has been kicked out of 3 schools. Hes never had a dad at all. (His molested jim and then went to prison) so I cought on the first week I met himand his brother that everyone still gives them what ever they want and that they had no rules per say. My wife works a professional job 40 plus hours a week and Sid the best she could as a single mom. We have had our issues but I let her know from thr start I won't put up with that stuff from him or his brother. I can honestly say aftet I left for a week that her and I are mostly on the same page and things are a lot better. She even ripped into both of them the other night saying " he's the closest thing to a father either of you have ever had why are you two being such a holes". That cought me off guard.. I'm at a point that I work I come home. Ionly interact when they initiate it.
Wow fedupskiddad! Sounds like
Wow fedupskiddad! Sounds like WWIII at your place lol! I dont want that much turmoil within the house. I think everyone has an idea of what a family should be in their mind and comparing that to what really is just burns me sometimes.
I think if a child comes at you then you gotta do what you gotta do. Many times these boys is big as horses! But their mind is still young.
From my experience, the mother hardly wants me to step in to do things with the boy. So I just disengage. But standing from the sideline, I see things happening that could be easily rectified if a father figure stepped in. Sometimes I say something, sometimes I dont. Sometimes I think I am cheating my own bio child by being "happy happy" and only showing the side of "good daddy". Having a father is a package deal. Good and bad.
These are just my thoughts.