Step-son nightmare
My DW has 50% custody of my SS. While he was with his bio f, he told his therapist that I abuse him. He's has lied about that stuff in the past, saying that he has been hit by everyone at one point. But since he told his therapist this time, the state has to record it. Obviously I do not abuse him. I've made it a point to not even spank him. He is horrible, doesn't listen and lies. Like most bio m's, my wife feels guilty for putting him through the divorce and let's him do whatever. My wife gets mad at me when he acts up and I do not discipline him, but then gets mad at me if I discipline him. He makes me resent my DW, and I resent him for the lies. I would leave her, but my younger bio son means too much to me. I've tried to talk to my DW but she is a very unreasonable and stubborn person, and always sees our problems as my fault. What can I do? Leave her and risk hurting my son? I'm open to suggestions.
Stand up to your wife and ask
Stand up to your wife and ask her "OK, what do you want me to do? Because i will not be spanking, hitting or touching him." So she is stubborn. If that doesn't work tell her obviously you all need a break so you are taking the younger boy on a vacation and she can be with her son for a week or 2.
She needs to see what her life will be like without you to blame.
And I agree with the other poster. Meet with the bio dad on neutral ground.
How does your wife see it as
How does your wife see it as your place alone to discipline HER child? If she feels discipline is necessary, it's ALWAYS her place. Not to say you can't/shouldn't discipline sometimes, but that depends on what you & her decide together. If she sees it necessary, she should take action...not wait for you to do it & get upset if you don't. HER child = HER responsibility.
My wife used to get upset
My wife used to get upset with how I disciplined my SS. Finally I told her "if you don't like how I discipline him then you had better step up before I have to".
Later I told her that I felt it was time for me to back away from disciplining him and that she should be the primary disciplinarian. She has commented several times in the past two years how difficult it is to discipline our son (my SS).
I would play the "if you don't like how I discipline him then you had better step up before I have to" card and put the onus of discipline of your SS on your wife. I would also let her know in no uncertain terms that your son will not suffer because of the behavior of his half brother and if the Skid in any way adversly impacts your son that you will take your son and go.
Be prepared to follow through. Have the papers ready to file in court if you have to take your son and go. Your SS's false accusations of abuse are more than enough justification to take your son and go.
In my layman's opinion.
Best regards.
I feel that I am slowly
I feel that I am slowly starting to despise my SS. He is younger, and I don't want our relationship to become bad now, because I can only imagine how it will be when he is a teen/adult. Luckily, he's still with his Bio-D and I have freedom for a bit, but I'm sure they are still talking about the therapist visit over there. I worry that the court won't even take his history of lies into account and they will believe his absurd accusations. DW just laughs it off, she knows he's lying and she thinks it is no big deal. I take it as a big deal. If he's willing to intentionally lie about me to hurt me, then i think it's a big deal. I wish he would stay with his Bio-D, I'm afraid since he is to spend the coming school year with us. I already disengaged from my DW and her ex. They have a ridiculous custody schedule, which they both know is harming their son. But i think they care more about hurting each other than looking out for their son. I already stepped away from that mess. It's just hard when that mess directly effects me and my Bio-S. She wants to have another child soon, but how can I raise another child with my SS in the picture? He ruins the happy household. When he's gone, almost everything is perfect. When he's here, I want to take my son and run. The future, that's what I'm worried about. If this continues for a few more years and my SS gets over it and can be a decent human, then that's fine. If he gets older and his lies become more harmful, his behavior more destructive, and example to my son poorer, then that where I have the problem.
How do I fix our relationship for the long haul? If I can't, then why should I stay with DW?
I would like to read more of
I would like to read more of your blogs and to share my thoughts with you
As a SM, I'd say run like
As a SM, I'd say run like he**. It's not worth hurting your bio-S or yourself. I agree with a previous comment about having all your ducks in a row. I'd ask for a standard agreement of rules (chores, behavior, school-work, etc...) for BOTH kids, who does what, and what the consequences are if rules are broken. I would (and am) document EVERYTHING on a private calendar/planner - everything that happens, each day! Then give your family, the courts, and the therapists a copy and one. last. chance. If nothing changes, I'd leave!
maybe a little therapy for
maybe a little therapy for the two of you is in order? Someone to step in and help you both get on the same page. Until you are a united front you dont have a chance...
I can certainly indentify
I can certainly indentify here, same scenario, I had to also get to the point where I told my husband if he didn't like how I was handling the situation he needed to step to the plate. We have been married 18 years, situations with stepsons have never got better. Husband is fearful of losing his sons if he sets his foot down so either I put up with the garvage and disrespect or I do something abuot. It has caused alot of hard feelings all the way around. Things might coast for awhile but then there is always trouble again,it is blamed on me and how I reacted, always. I feel I have no other choice but to completely disconnect which I now can do because the boys are adults and on their own.
hi im ant im new to this.I
hi im ant im new to this.I have a ss who has just hit teenage yrs he has started lying,hes lazy,and dosnt do anything with out been told and then he only dose it half assed. On top of that he ran away last nite and told his auntie that i had a argument with him and i thretend to knock him out which i never had an argument with him at all i just asked him to do his chours then he asked to go out n isaid ok to and then he run off so were he got the hole i thretend to knock him out from i will never no! any way how dose everyone else deal with there step kids as im at a lost end?
Dear frustrated27, Not sure
Dear frustrated27,
Not sure if you are reading these posts anymore, but if you are, I would like to point out that your SS, the one making false accusations of abuse against you, is willing to have you put in jail. And your wife, brushing off these accusations, is also willing to have you put in jail. The only way to stay out of jail is to have no contact whatsoever with the SS. Why don't you point this out to wife? Tell her that SS cannot come over to your house anymore. Tell her that you can't risk going to jail and losing the ability to raise your son, be a husband, and work to support your family - because of false accusations by SS. She will have to spend time with SS outside of your home.
Anyway it will keep the SS out of your house and he will no longer be a problem for you. Your relationship with wife will be MUCH improved when you don't have this problem in your home anymore, dividing you.