Step Parent of an Addict
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. I've been married to my wife for about 3 1/2 years. This was a 2nd marriage for both of us and I brought 4 biological kids (19g, 16b, 14g and 10g) to our marriage and she brought 3 (21g, 20b, 9g). My kids live with their mom most of the time, but do spend as much time with us as possible. Life is good and the kids all get along with each other really well. My wife and I seem to have, almost constant, issues though about parenting and the flow of life. We're definately different sorts of parents. The biggest issue is with my step son, 20 years old. He chose to live with his father after we were married. His father is a very manipulative and is also a drug addict. When his son chose to live full time with his dad, this was very hard on my wife, but she did the best she could to keep a relationship with him. As time went on, we could both see that he was have drug problems too. But because we didn't see him that often, we didn't know the extent. His dad does nothing for him, but we helped him apply to colleges and got him there. We also paid his tuition (but that's a different issue). He failed out of college after the first semester and was also arrested for drub (marijuana) possession. His mom and dad bailed him out of jail and then he had to deal with community service and fines. After he was back home for 6 months he wanted to go to Arizona to college where his sister was. We helped him get there and then he called home and said that he was addicted to heroine. We were both shocked, but felt so stupid that we should have seen the many signs. Anyway.. long story short.. we flew him back home to attend rehab, he refused, moved out and back into his father's house. Now he's just continuing this inevitable spiral down hill. I have no idea how to deal with this. We have 6 other kids and a home.. and I feel myself trying to protect that against this disease, but then I'm not supportive to my wife who's just being killed by this. I'm angry at my step son. I'm angry at his father for enabling this. I feel used by my step son. My wife feels resentment for me because of my anger. I try to be patient, but I draw lines which are constantly being moved.
Has anyone been through this? What works?
A person always quits using
A person always quits using drugs. Either they die or they realize its killing them. To quote my son "I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired". Until they do one or the other there is nothing you can do to make them quit.
Since its a step you're even more helpless. Concentrate on supporting your wife and don't waste any more time or treasure on him even if offered what seems to be a good opportunity. Let him pull himself out of it without your help.
Be honest with the other kids so, hopefully, they'll avoid the spiral.
Thanks for the advice. It's
Thanks for the advice. It's hard that my ss is my "step" son and my wife's biological son. I have a biological son and try to empathize.. thinking about how I'd feel if it were him. I try to be supportive, but my natural instincts are to protect everything from his addiction. I'm concerned that this is taking a toll on my relationship with my wife.
I have had a lot of
I have had a lot of experience with drug abusers and the best way to deal with them is to cut them loose. When they are ready they will stop and until they are, they will take everyone else down with them. This is a losing battle I would stay out of, for the sake of the rest of your family!!
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"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers
I have a similar situation.
I have a similar situation. I have been with my wife for 4 years (married for 3). She has a daughter that is almost 25 years old. Since I have been with my wife, I have only known her daughter to be an addict. Her daughter was in deep with heroine from when we met. Never really got to know her in the beginning because she went to jail for residential burglary because she needed money to support her habit. In the meantime, I played the supportive roll to my wife. She spent a year in jail(all the while her family was sending her money and books and other things) and was released and lived in our home. She soon began to use again and was stealing again to support her habit. Not only did she steal from me but she stole from her aunt who was a major victim because she lost some important pieces of jewelry. During the time she lived with us, she was constantly in mine and my wifes face. We never had any time alone because she was not allowed to leave the house. My wife and I started to go to a therapist because I felt that her daughter was really weighing on me. Soon after, she was caught stealing and using drugs again. My wife sent her to live with her mother. Things were going well with her daughters life and ours here at home. Her daughter had a great job and we helped her get a car to go to and from work. Then my wifes mother died and her daughter wanted to come back. We told her that she was doing so well and to stay where she was but she talked her aunt into letting her live with her. Not even a month goes by and she is stealing from her aunt again and using drugs more heavily than she was before. Now she is using heroine via needles. Her daughter takes off and is no where to be found for a few weeks. She left her car because her keys were taken away so that she couldn't leave but she figured out a way. My wife decided to give the keys back because her daughter was telling stories saying she couldn't get a job because she needed her car. Now she's mobile which is more dangerou. Now she is writing bad checks all over the place to get money for drugs. I have been dealing with this for 4 years and my wife and her sister are constantly enabling her. My relationship with my wife is strained because I keep telling her that enabling will kill her daughter. But my wife and her sister keep telling me that you dont turn your back on family. But as well I feel like in all of this, she has turned her back on me. She was finally brought back and placed into detox. A few days later she would be in a residential treatment center. In detox, she is calling her mother asking for her to bring her her brand of shampoo and such. I was like, no way. I am sure they supply those things while in detox. I am the bad guy here because I keep saying don't do it when it comes to her daughter. I have given up. Too many arguments, too many bail outs. Family doesn't believe they are enabling and wants me to stay out of it. So I am. But my marriange is so strained because I get angry about all of this. I am getting help whether they do or not. Because I want to ensure that I am doing the right thing. I want nothing more than the best for her daughter but I can't live my life around her. I have to heal myself whether they do or not. I would rather we heal together but I think her daughter enjoys seeing people suffer over her addiction. I think its that she seeks attention only in a negative way but at least it is attention. I need help. My relationship needs help. I hate feeling like I am the bad guy as I am portrayed that way because I say what I feel. But I also am trying to fight for her healing by not enabling her and having her want to get help. She is now in a 28 day program but who knows if it will stick. What will happen after the 28 days, I don't know. But what I do know is that this has taken a huge toll on my life with my wife. Help please!
Some addicts never get clean.
Some addicts never get clean. I know one who went to over 20!!! different expensive programs all over the country. Is now in prison.
Horrible to say - but the best thing an addict who will never recover can do is to just go ahead and die.
Addiction specialists will tell you that after several rehabs and a certain age (usually in 30s) there is almost no chance the addict will recover.
Very very sad.