Reaching my Wit's End
Hello.
I just joined today; things have really deteriorated in the last few days and now I’m looking for advice everywhere I can. My situation is probably not different than others, but here it is.
Let me start by introducing myself. I’m Ken and I married my wife about ten years ago (we dated for about four years prior to that). This is my first marriage, her second. She has a daughter from her previous marriage, and at the time of our marriage, her daughter was about 6 years old.
From the moment I met my wife’s daughter, I developed a terrific relationship with her. That relationship remained that way until about four years ago. As she grew into her teens she, as expected, began developing her own personality and with that begun to withdraw from us, my wife and I. Although it’s a difficult time to let go of that close relationship we had, it’s a natural progression for all kids to go through and I disappointedly accepted it.
However, this withdraw (for me) continued far more than I had expected. Over the past four years my relationship with my stepdaughter steadily grown to be virtually non-existent, while her relationship with her mother is right where it would be expected to be at her age (nearly 17). Over the past couple of years she has rarely spoken to me at all. She seems obviously uncomfortable being around me. If she happens to be in the same room with me, she will hurriedly pass by and seek out her mother. If/when we have dinner together, she sits as if she can’t wait to spring from the table as soon as she has taken her last bite. And on the times I have tried to speak to her, even to ask how her day at school was, I nearly always receive some disrespectful reply, if I receive a reply at all.
During this same time, my stepdaughter rekindled her relationship with her biological father; previously there was virtually no relationship between them at all. I can’t help but to think that her renewed relationship with her biological father has something to do with the decline of my relationship with her. What disturbs me is not knowing specifically why my relationship with my stepdaughter has completely broken down.
I’ve tried to discuss it with my wife, and her opinion is that this is normal behavior for a teenage girl. While I might agree with some distancing taking place during these years, this seems to me to have gone way past that and could be considered disrespectful. I’ve tried to talk to my stepdaughter, and (as I said earlier) far more often with my wife, to try to understand why she treats me this way, but never get a straight answer. Needless to say after four years I’ve developed quite a frustration about it.
Last weekend another example of disrespect by my stepdaughter was demonstrated. Later, I explained to my wife that I think it’s time to make some changes to the privileges that my stepdaughter enjoys. I have tried to give our relationship time, as my wife has repeatedly suggested, but the situation has been steadily worsening over the past couple of years. My wife and I provide a nice home, and all the enjoyments that a typical teenage girl would have: cell phone, computer, etc., but I am now finding it hard to provide those privileges and in return bear this treatment. My discussion with my wife wasn’t received well, possibly due to the delivery of my requests to change her privileges. But to be frank, I’m at my wits end, and I expressed this as such to my wife. Her reaction is that she needs some time to consider our (I’m assuming myself and her, or possibly myself, her and her daughter) relationship.
What is going on? All I have been looking for is an honest reason why I’m being treated this way. Additionally, am I out of line by suggesting privilege changes base upon this behavior? My wife seems to think so. I love my wife, but I’m thinking she, because of my desire to get to the bottom of this issue, has changed her feelings toward me.
Obviously I’ve written a very condensed version of my situation, but in a very broad way covers it. I just cannot understand any of this and don’t know where to go from here. Looking for suggestions...
Its such a shame that by the
Its such a shame that by the time your ss realises you are just trying to help him, it will be too late, if you did'nt love him you would'nt care about his study or grades, some kids have to be encouraged/forced to study and its for their own good, that is what good parenting is all about.
Don't hold your breath
Don't hold your breath waiting to hear the reason from your SD. At some point, you just need to move on.
My SS will be 20 this summer and I have been in his life for 18 years. He doesn't remember a time when DH and I weren't together. We had a great relationship for many years despite BM's efforts to alientate SS against DH and myself.
Condensed version of my story: SS cuts DH out of his life at age 16, comes back at age 17 to make amends and their relationship is wonderful again. I'm still waiting for my apology 3 years later.
I know I won't get that apology. And over the last couple of years I've made sure that I no longer give SS any of my benefits - no more medical coverage, cell phone, car insurance, etc. All it does is build more resentment in me for providing those things for SS. So now SS is completely cut off financially and I have set myself free from the resentment.
Sounds like you do have a
Sounds like you do have a heart of gold and love your step daughter as if she were your own. Hope you don't mind me as a wife, somebody's daughter, a sister, a step mother, & was a step daughter on here hoping to shed some light for you. Much of which from my own experience & the way i see it as a woman. First off, i wish there were more men on this earth like you! l would like to start with your step daughter. She is going through the age where her life feels torn in many ways & she may not be aware of it yet. She is not yet quite able to grasp the adult world but is past the teenage years so to speak. l'm assuming that she is a very smart young woman based on how you talked about her. Your wife is not explaining to you the way girls/women are & how they function. Yes that alone would be frustrating. The ultimate hard thing for me to deal with, was my dad in & out of my life with many years in between & another man raised me only for half of my life. Your step daughter naturally is suppose to hate you & you have been the man her birth dad should of been her whole life. Now that he is back in the picture, she may be dealing with coping issues. For me, it felt impossible to be the daughter of two men. Mind you, my step dad was very mean to me verbally & that made it really hard. Now your step daughter has the opposite problem as i did but in its own way..its kinda the same thing. Sounds bad but give her 5-10 years & keep being your loving self with her. She sounds like she has a lot on her plate & forgive me if i offend you when i say this but it does not sound like her mom/your wife is that great when it comes to communication & if this is the case, you can't expect your step daughter to be that great with communication either. My advice on that, from time to time be sure you let your step daughter know that she can always talk to you. lt helps too if you can assure her that you will always love her & that she can always talk to you about anything! Keep in mind that it is only natural for her to attempt to push you away whether she realizes it or not but there will come a day where she will need you & may love you all the more. Don't take this hardship personal. As for your wife, i don't know if i should feel sorry for you or her but she has a bad attitude on a few things. l do not know if she is trying to push you away & if so, why? You may want to find out! Has she fallen out of love with you possibly? This is not healthy or normal behavior for a wife towards a husband. For all i know, she may have felt the need for a guy & father for her child back in the day when her birth father was not in the picture. Yes its all too common for women to be like that! We do not like the idea of raising a child alone & even sometimes think we are in love when we are vulnerable. This is a emotion women have & it boils down to the wanting to give your child the every chance you can & not be alone yourself. Your a real man if you are still reading this & i still have advice on one more thing. Would you and your wife consider marriage counseling? Your going to need to find out if there is still anything really there or what the case is. Print & share your post you put on here & what you received in response with your counselor, on your own time in private if you can. Why in private, this post & reaction can & likely piss off your wife. Again as a woman, this for a woman could feel like a threat. A form of cheating too because your now seeking others for your own issues. Your own issues are also her issues so be careful & good luck! l will bookmark this page & feel free to ask further questions if you care to.
Sorry but i too should also
Sorry but i too should also add this, do not allow her to be dis respectable under your roof no matter what age she is! That would come back to haunt you. When she does dis respect you, your wife needs to step it up & put her foot down. Nothing wrong with allowing the child (so to speak) to know that she can be dis respectful or whatever she chooses when she is under her own roof & paying her own bills but not going to happen under your roof. Women will try to get away with bloody murder if you let them so be dominate with your step daughter & lovely wife on that!
First of all, two general
First of all, two general points…
1. Thanks for all the replies. It’s good to be able to hear from others who have been down this road before.
2. You can tell I don’t have much experience with discussing this stuff… all the DH’s and SS’s, and SD’s… once I finally opened the FAQ page and understood what all the acronyms meant, everything began to make more sense.
No question about it, I’ve been running the gambit of emotions surrounding this. It hasn’t helped that my DW (I’m getting the hang of the acronyms) and I cannot come together on this one issue. We have had our typical share of disagreements that come up in any marriage, but this one particular issue we have never mutualized and because of that it has continued to fester. My DW has never viewed it as all that big of a deal; her opinion is that it is typical teenage girl behavior. I on the other hand I have told her many times it is the biggest issue we continue to face in our marriage. So as you can see we are miles apart on this one single issue. On each occasion I’ve tried to discuss it, especially in the last year or so, my DW immediately throws up this impenetrable wall of defense and will not delve into the real issues, instead deflecting the discussion into other areas. I guess it’s natural for a BM to instinctively defend her BD, but I am really struggling with how this can be justified.
You all made some excellent points. I’ve been holding my ground on the privilege issue, but since there have been no behavior changes I feel maybe another round of privilege changes are in order. To do nothing at this point seems as if I’m throwing in the towel. Draco: you hit close to home with your description of the punishment discussion…. very similar results here too. Your comment about loyalty issues going on; I think that’s exactly what’s playing out in our home. My DW seems to think that if I mention any issue regarding my SD and her lack of respect towards me in our home, it’s because I’ve got a problem with my SD’s relationship with her BF. This couldn’t any further from the truth, and I’ve tried telling my DW this many, many times. I really don’t care how my SD spends her time with her BF, but what I do have a problem with is when we (myself & my SD, and/or my DW) attempt to do something together my SD immediate has some issue with my involvement and has expressed it in many (i.e. disrespectful) ways. Finally, yes… what you wrote makes sense.
Starla, you mentioned counseling. Twice we have been to marriage counseling: the first time was about four years ago and it wasn’t due to any issues we were having. We have some close friends who wanted to attend a 12-week, group marriage counseling session and they asked us if we would join the group with them; I guess to support them as they went through the process. We did and we actually learned a lot during those meetings. I remember there were a few awkward occasions where, since we were in a group setting, we were asked to share stories about ourselves with the rest of the group and since we were really not having any issues at the time my DW and I were struggling to come up with things to say. But I do remember mentioning, even way back then, that I began to notice a change in my relationship with my SD.
The second time was about a year ago. It was one session and it was specifically about this relationship issue with my SD. For about six months leading up to that meeting, every time my DW and I would attempt to discuss this topic, she felt it was I who had the problem and we (my DW and I) should talk about it with a counselor. I will admit I pushed back on each occasion she mentioned it, always believing it wasn’t I but the SD who needed to talk to someone. Eventually the issue reached a boiling point and I gave in, and my DW and I spent about two hours discussing this issue with a counselor.
I heard a lot during that meeting; as a matter of fact, much of what you described about teenage girls maturing and going through these changes was discussed. It helped me to understand, and somewhat accept, some of the behavior that I was witnessing. But there was more to it than that. The counselor was clearly concerned about the disrespect being displayed, and the counselor implored to us the need to be as one team with respect to leveling and upholding rules, punishments, etc. And finally, the counselor made several recommendations that the counselor meet with the SD for the next session and hear and discuss her side of the issue. My DW never allowed that meeting to take place, and I’ve never fully understood why. My gut tells me that my DW continues to believe it is I who has the problem and it is I who must come to terms with it. Maybe she’s right. But there hasn’t been any more mention of a marriage counselor from my DW since that day.
By the way, I just looked at the abbreviation list in the FAQ and I think MC (for marriage counselor) should be added to the list.
Anyway, the next few days (and weeks) should be interesting. Right now I’m not sure where or how this is going to end up, but I hope for the best.
Thanks.
I'm pretty late on this, but
I'm pretty late on this, but I wanted to give my thoughts.
There are a lot of issues going on here. She's a teenage girl, and a certain amount of immaturity and drama is certainly going to be expected. She has also reconnected with her bio-dad, which is probably also a factor in this whole situation.
All that being said, it sounds like you are doing your best to be a good stepparent to her. You're investing your time and money and trying to make it a good situation for your family. For that, she needs to at least repsect you and make an effort to get along with you. That's really not very much to ask. Even if she just doesn't like you for whatever reason, she needs to put on a good face and keep things civil. She's not a little kid anymore that might not understand this -- she's almost 17 years old.
I have a stepdaughter that is almost 17 also, and we are night and day different. I do not like many of the things she does at all -- in fact if she were my real daughter much of it would not ever fly -- but of course I defer to my wife, who is more lenient on certain issues that I am. But, I do draw a line, and that is that she will not disrespect me when I am working very hard to provide her a good life. That's just not acceptable.
Bottom line, it would be one thing if you were doing things to destroy your relationship with your SD, but it sounds like YOU are the one giving the effort while she's doing nothing. That's not fair to you. Talk with your wife and ask her how she would feel if things were reversed and it was your daughter and she was the stepmom. I'm betting she would want you to back her up on it.
Perhaps this is a case of
Perhaps this is a case of disrespect or perhaps she just dos'nt like you, teens easily take a dislike to someone, it hurts and its not fair I know, whatever reason, its your house too and you cannot let her get away with this behaviour, maybe when she sees that it will not be tolerated and she won't get away with it, she will re think her attitude, its such a shame that shes forgotten that you gladly and whole heartedly took her on when many would'nt have, perhaps she needs a reminder of that? Don't let her know that this bothers you anymore because this will give her power, I hope that your wife will help you with this, it must be upsetting to her as well, whatever reason she is being like this and she must be asked, its your house too and you have the right to be respected in it.
If she is not going to
If she is not going to respect your hard work and sacrifice for her then she should not benefit from your hard work and sacrifice. Cancel the phone, let her walk and don’t go out of your way, but explain WHY. She is not a kid she knows what she is doing and it’s like the old adage of having your cake and eats it too. She gets to have "daddy", around while have you there also, but she only have to be nice to one and only take from the other (you). If you put up with you will only become resentful and actually wind up hating the kid. Put your foot down and explain it to them both, and remember no matter how much blood you give you will never replace “daddy”, in her eyes.
It's really that easy.
I learned some rough lessons this past month with SD14 and now know I will never be her father although her father has shown up twice in 5 years. I still support all three SD's but will not reward disrespect.
The IPhone is not happening and neither are many other things I had planned.