Question for other stepdads (and I guess BioDads too)
Forums:
Do you find this forum to be anti-men, even if only a little bit? I feel like a lot of times when I post a blog or comment on a message board, most of the negative posts have to do with the fact that I'm a man, and it is just not the same for us men in step situations.
Of course there has been good counsel from women too, it just seems that more often than not it is negativity. Curious about other's experiences.
I have also caught hell for
I have also caught hell for not being the instant doting-daddy type to my SD. I'm also expected to love the child like my own. I would guess there are more than a few stepfathers on here who are in the same boat.
DW wants me to fill the role of instant parent, just as in the case of stepmoms. But in my experience, we aren't allowed to complain about it. We're men, so we're supposed to suck it up and do it.
I realized after I posted
I realized after I posted that this is probably the easy explanation.
Aw shucks Maam.
Aw shucks Maam.
Let's be honest, this site is
Let's be honest, this site is frequently anti-man. Most posters here have spouse issues (legitimate spouse issues) and those spouses are mostly men. The person-bashing is here, and it is legitimately mostly against men. No sugar coating it.
Now the second point:
most of the negative posts have to do with the fact that I'm a man
Many, many posters feel picked on, picked apart, insulted, misunderstood and/or attacked. Nothing new. Those posters are almost all women. Gender is irrelevant.
I have yet to see any male posters here get slammed for being male. But I have seen a few men set straight for being dumb asses. There's a difference.
Ok, so it is not just me. In
Ok, so it is not just me.
In any case, I guess it is just putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Which is what I sort of expected from people replying here... maybe I was looking at the site through rose-colored glasses as a place of kindred spirits.
You are so so right. And I
You are so so right. And I think it's wrong! I always felt that men have the short end of the stick when it comes to step-parenting. Men usually get stuck with the skid full time since most women get full custody. Men have to deal with the emotional bullshit that comes with skids, PLUS the bulk of the financial burden. I relate to that because I am a fulltime stepmom. My male husband has full custody
I'm surprised more men aren't more resentful of the skids like I am.
But, most of the time, I hear men say they really aren't resentful of the skids and they accept them and love them like their own (that is upsetting to me because I just can't accept my SD and I HATE that BM doesn't have to do shit) I have to wonder how stepdads can handle the situation so much better than stepmoms, unless the males feel rewarded in trying to help and save the moms and their bios. Because I don't feel rewarded in the least little bit!
For the record, I appreciate the men on this website!
Thanks for confirming what I
Thanks for confirming what I thought I saw.
I am not stuck with SD7 full time. She is with us every other week. However, as an actual mature male, I am expected to be the defining male voice in my SD's life. DW knows BioDad is an idiot and Disney Dad, so she wants me to be a strong father to SD. It doesn't always work out that way as sometimes I feel like I'm fighting against all of them.
Don't get too upset about not being able to accept SD. I also cannot. I try and I try, but it just isn't there like it is with my BS. Her BioDad doesn't have to do shit, but he is a freaking God... and I'm an Evil StepFather. There has been no reward. I've coached her in sports, taken her places, been there for her - rarely do I ever get a thank you. Mostly it is just whining and complaining. BioDad plays video games with her all day every day she is with him... and that makes him the best dad ever. DW says that someday SD7 will realize how good of a father I've been to her. I nod to her, but secretly I do not believe that one bit.
Some women posting here seem
Some women posting here seem consistently negative but I truly believe they're negative about everything in their lives - life can really beat one down at times as I'm sure you know.
I do see some empathy meaning the woman says out right that a man considers things from a different viewpoint and take that into consideration.
You clearly get a female viewpoint but every post has to be taken with a grain of salt and an eye towards who wrote it. I've seen a few folks come in once hoping for validation of a poor decision and get blasted.
I think if you're a regular you'll get to know the people and their thinking and will be able to sort out the fanatics.
Sure, I complain about the
Sure, I complain about the BioDad. As in the case of many stepmoms here - he is an idiot IMO. I'm not saying that it feels anti-man because there is so much complaining about Disney Dads. DW does well at correcting certain behaviors, but she rarely follows through in most instances.
What I'm saying is that there are definitely Disney MOMs out there, and bringing something like that up is one way to get negative feedback.
Perhaps it has just been my experience, or I'm reading it wrong, but it seems like some people on here are more apt to be negative to a man who is posting about his stepdrama than they are a stepmom posting about hers. It often seems like there is a lot of negativity directed at men here, period.
I think my original post came about via frustration. I think there is a double-standard (which came across loud and clear in a blog post I was involved in) in that many stepmoms do not believe that a stepfather could have the same issues they have. As if somehow it is easier to be a stepdad. Women use the popular refrain that "there is so much more nurturing behavior expected of stepmothers." They disregard that this can (and often is) the case for stepfathers too, especially in today's society. In instances where this is not the case, and stepfathers are not expected to be as involved, why is that the stepfather's fault? Shouldn't that blame fall on the mother for not encouraging the stepfather to be more involved?
Maybe I come from a different generation, but looking at my own situation and those of a few close friends I've had for 10+ years who are now stepfathers - we/they have the exact same issues as the stepmothers here. And while the stepmom's have the Disney evil-stepmother to thank, I'm sure you'd be surprised to learn that stepdads are just as negatively stereotyped. I've even heard a few times from people that I'd better be a good stepdad, because "you don't want your SD to end up on the pole." Really.
So maybe it is not anti-man, maybe this was just me venting a frustration.
I don't find this community
I don't find this community to be anti man ..... unless you are a man and advocate corporal punishment. Then it can get anti man in a hurry.
I am a man and have been a STalker for a number of years. Generally Step Talk is not anti man though it can get pointedly rough on Bio Dads who fail to step up and effectively parent their children, fail to set and enforce behavioral expectations, fail to put their wife/SO and marriage first, and who allow their children to treat the adults of the marital home with anything but respect.
If you keep the nature of the forum in mind and also keep in mind that the members are here primarily due to challenges that they have had or are having in their blended family relationships you should find it to be a supportive place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice.
IMHO and experience of course.
This is very interesting.
This is very interesting. Not sure that I agree or not, but that is irrelevant since as long as you feel that way, then that is your reality. And no, I am not being ugly, I do understand that sometimes we feel a certain way and whether others agree or not, that is how we feel
Now, about the whole stepmom vs stepdad. I do think that as a whole stepmoms are expected to just be motherly, etc. vs. stepdads…however, I do believe that in many social circles the same can/is expected of stepdads. Where I believe it becomes much harder for women is in the fact that MOST of the time, when a man marries a woman with children society sees him as "HELPING SUPPORT THE HOUSEHOLD" and thus as a whole, they are just a bit more respected for doing such a thing. Have you heard the "wow, he's such a good man…he married her knowing she had 3 kids to support"? But have you ever heard "wow, she is such a good woman…she married him knowing he had 3 kids to support"? Ah, NOPE. Society as a whole ASSUMES if a man marries a woman with kids, he is ADDING to the standard of living of those kids and the new wife…but if a WOMAN does the same, regardless of whether she makes more money or less money than the man, society feels that "she is a GOLD DIGGER taking away the kid's inheritance". Simple. Thus although there are always exceptions and crossovers, it does seem women get hit twice many times.
Mind you, I think as the kids get older, if a man marries a woman with ADULT kids, society might start wondering if he's out to take his stepkids inheritance, especially if the ex is dead…lol but mostly he is looked at as a "care taker and protector for the woman/family" and the stepmoms are looked at as "she is coming to steal it all, instead of the man taking care of his kids now he has to take care of this stupid woman".
I think that there is some
I think that there is some accuracy in your position on this. I believe that it is a systemic issue though there is a notable variability on a case by case basis.
I think at some level there is consistency in the societal perspective on Sparents and that Sparents in general are considered primarily evil by many who are naive to the reality of Step Parenting.
I have also noticed that. A
I have also noticed that. A lot of it has definitely been, as notasm mentioned above, due to SM's with crappy spouses. I notice more that a specific man is getting bashed as opposed to an entire gender.
However, there have been a couple of posts recently that essentially degenerated into a mothers-are-better-parents-because-they-don't-have-a-penis. Which I thought was absolutely ridiculous. I think it's totally fine to criticize someone's parenting based on how the kid is behaving. NOT ok based on whether the parent has a weiner.