Need some direction
I have a 13 year old stepson. He's a good kid. Excellent grades, no problems at school, and just a typical 13 year old. The problem I'm having is that at least once a year he will visit his father on a weekend, and play with his friends in that neighborhood and then we get the "I want to go live with my dad" request. My wife and I do everything for him because his bio father makes promises and then does not follow through with them. Examples are cell phones, karate lessons, doing fun things on weekends, and just keeping him involved in our family. When he goes to his fathers house he is dumped off on the families of the children he plays with in that neighborhood.
This is killing my wife because she feels completely betrayed, but she will not even consider letting him to go live with his father. I however am 100% for it. My stepson lives with his dad for 6 weeks during the summer and he is always trying to find ways to come home early, or spend more time with us. I say let him go for a period of at least 1 year and let him see if the grass is greener. I am currently in a support role, and do not engage my stepson in any conversations regarding this situation. Mainly because I'll tell him what an ungrateful child he is and that he really doesn't care what he does to his mother as long as he gets what he wants.
Any suggestions or direction with this matter?
Ike
I agree with your position
My DH's son lives with us FT and he's always telling my DH that he wants to go live with his mother. It's like watching this kid torture my DH in a slow, painful emotional death. I, too, wish that my DH would just send the ungrateful lot to his mother's. Instead, I have to silently stand by and watch a 12 y.o. dictate our home's inner workings. This child does the same thing in order to get what he wants and he's learned it works. Both bioparents are jumping through this kid's hoops buying him whatever he wants so he'll go with the "better" parent. I detest it.
I have already decided that the next time this boy proudly drives a steel spike through my husband's heart again by arrogantly announcing he's going to live with his mother, I am packing for him, calling a taxi, and getting him out of the home I work hard in to support. I'm tired of having to shell out more money to appease this kid's every whim and desire or having to adjust my attitude because he doesn't feel loved. I call his bluff - bulls$%t! It's all about what he can get and from whom.
All I'm asking for is some good old honesty served up fresh when I ask for it without the side order of hot tongue and cold shoulder!
I'd wanna know more
does the BioF live close to you?
How is it that he sees his son only a few weekends a year? OK, 6 weeks in summer, that's still not much.
Does he pay child support?
I would not consider it a betrayal for a son to want to be with natural father more often, but what kind of a father is this?
It sounds like he might be a bit sketchy.
I wouldn't consider this seriously without some outside help and I really wonder if his BioF would want him around that long anyway.
It is not a black and white situation.
One of the problems here
is that some forums are old and one can't be sure if the original poster is around to read responses.
Ike, you still out there?
Oh, wow
It is old! Didn't realize it's from November! I'd be interested in hearing what's going on, too.
All I'm asking for is some good old honesty served up fresh when I ask for it without the side order of hot tongue and cold shoulder!
Well in my situation
FSS is learning that he is not the authority as far as where he lives is concerned. It's something that is worked out between MOM and DAD and though his opinion is considered ultimately it's a grown-up decision.
This is not a popularity contest, it's about what's best for the kid. He should not direct the inner workings in your house. If your FH cannot work things out fairly with BM then talk to a lawyer. We did and I believe that in the long run have spared both sides some pain.
Check out 'Mom's house, Dad's house' It's a good book.
In my situation
There had been a court order but BM took it upon herself to alter it with her own handwritten agreement when she couldn't follow the original court order giving the boy the right to choose where he wanted to live so there was the first HUGE mistake. The boy chose to live with his father until the end of last summer when he decided he'd like to give it a shot living with his mother. My DH refused this move and it's been downhill ever since. Complicating matters is the fact that my DH is in denial as far as his son is concerned. I've tried to tell him repeatedly that what is going on isn't fair to anyone and he needs to get his head out of his arse soon.
All I'm asking for is some good old honesty served up fresh when I ask for it without the side order of hot tongue and cold shoulder!
oh no
That's when the "Act crazier than the BM" rule applies. I've said repeatedly to my FH, if you don't deal with this in a timely manner, I will make you regret it.
If BM changed the agreement and he agreed with it, then he should abide by it. So the agreement says your SK can choose his residence and he wants to stay with BM? I say let him.
If this drags on all you can do is give everyone the cold shoulder. Disengage. But give yourself a time limit. How long can I live with this situation and what changes should I expect? If things drag on like this past my limit, what is my course of action?
Yep, all was well until
the boy decided he didn't want to live with his dad anymore. My DH agreed to follow the BM's handwritten agreement while the boy wanted to live with him, but now that LS wants to leave, DH won't hear anything of it. As a matter of fact, my DH was so afraid that she'd go after custody again shortly after she had written that agreement that he never even went after CS from her while LS was in DH's custody for over 4 years.
I'm certain that LS will be moving very, very soon as the BM's phone calls are coming more rapidly and closer together and the voicemails are becoming more and more hostile. Instead of my DH dealing with this, he's ignoring it. I guess it's going to take an Act of Congress for him to remove his head from his ass to make him realize that the kid just doesn't want to live here anymore. I can't do anything else to make it better, and I actually feel bad for the kid.
I have tried to repeatedly disengage. It gets me nowhere. If am tough and I can make it through just about anything, except starvation, so I have a lot left in me. It's hard right now because I have no vacation time until this summer, but once that rolls around, I can at least head to the beach and start to travel once everything either falls to pieces or falls back in to place.
You'll have to tell me more about the Crazier than BM rule sometime!
I want to address this, even
I want to address this, even if it is an old thread. I think its rather common with kids.
I went through this with my own daughter. Of course life seemed much more fun when she went to visit dad a couple times a year. Everytime she visited they pretty much threw a parade and she was treated like royalty, spoiled her rotten, it was a thrill a minute! - so who wouldnt want that kind of attention. And then to come back to daily life seemed soooo boring. She loves her father and his side of her family. But I know that he could only truly be a good father in small increments of time. My response to her was sure she could go move in with dad when SHE TURNED 18.
I think its like as an adult going on vaction - leaving the stress of daily life behind - and having some waiter bringing you endless Margaritas on the beach - If only you could like that way all the time!!!!
I wouldnt take it personally.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Albert Einstein
I agree jaded
My BD threatened me with going to live with her dad when she was a lot younger. She's well aware that if she thinks the grass is greener with him, then the door is open for her to go. She's never, ever said one more word about going to live with him after that. Her father sounds very much like what you described about your daughter's dad. When she was younger, I did all I could to protect her from her father's shortcomings and yet he still appeared to be godlike to her back then. But as she's gotten older, she realizes that he's *always* forgotten to pick her up, doesn't call her, shows little interest in her schooling or social life, lies on the couch while she visits, makes tons of excuses of why he doesn't follow through on empty promises, etc. If you ask her today what she thinks of him, she'll tell you that she loves him but she doesn't think much of him and there's a big difference between the two. I think DH's son feels the same way about my DH.
I Just wanted to add that I
I Just wanted to add that I would never have sent my daughter to live with her dad just to teach her a lesson and show her who her dad really is. But in my case her dad is a peice of work... and he only tried to bribe her to go live him to get at me, he really didnt want her. I let her have the fantasy of what a great guy he was.... she learned on her own in a safe environment who her father is. She is over 18 now and has no intention at all to go live with dear old dad.
I feel that parenthood is not a popularity contest. As hard as it is you cant let emotions skew parenting decisions.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Albert Einstein