Few questions about a future with current partner
For a little background on my current situation. My girlfriend has two kids a 8 and 13 year old. We've been dating for a while and just moved into together last year. Right now she has full custody of both kids as the father has no legal rights due to previous issues. I have no kids of my own. Her youngest is overall a decent kid. She definitely has some behavioral issues but she isn't a total nightmare. Her oldest again is overall a good kid. No major issues that a normal teenager doesn't probably have.
Since we've moved in she's asked if I'd like to take on a more parental role. Something I wasn't comfortable with at first but has since come a little easier at least with the youngest.
The issue has been parenting style. She's pretty easy going on them, very rarely enforcing her own rules and requires little in way of responsibility from them.
While I don't profess to know anything about being a parent I definitely feel like her parenting is kind of lacking.
The youngest as I said has behavioral issues. Just recently she decided to cut the whiskers off the cat because it was mean to her. She's also been a little destructive, when asked about why it's because she's bored. My girlfriend and I talked about it and decided that to try and curb her behavior we'd cut her screen time. Which till now has been literally sun up to sun down. It actually helped quite a bit. The problem has been enforcing it. It's pretty much fallen on me. My girlfriend has tried to enforce it but then gets frustrated and then gives in and just lets her go back to watching tv to keep her busy.
The oldest is currently failing in school. He's currently in virtual school and has been failing the classes he hasn't been kicked out of. We just found out that he was kicked out of two classes because he couldn't access them. He didn't say anything until recently, almost at the end of the year.
Neither of them have any real chores or responsibility around the house. The oldest takes the trash out. The youngest is responsible for keeping her room clean, after her mom spent almost 4 hours actually cleaning it. I've asked the oldest to throw some chicken nuggets in the microwave for the 8 year olds dinner, because I was trying to get out of the house for work. He told me he didn't know how to cook them. Sad part is I believe him.
I've already made the choice to back off of trying to play parent. I've decided not to worry about their behavior, grades or the lack of responsibility. I'm leaving it up to my girlfriend to take care of them as far as cooking, discipline, laundry and cleaning up after them.
Now that my venting is over I have a couple questions.
We have talked about getting married in the future. I'm a bit hesitant about the idea now. Mostly because I really don't want to be living with adult children that aren't able to function as adults and just don't leave the nest. I don't mind helping to provide for them now as kids but I really don't want to be doing it when they hit 18.
We also talked about having a baby. The prospect is definitely an exciting one for me. Yet I'm concerned that if we do, as horrible as this sounds, it'll turn out like her other two kids. I'd like to think that it would be raised better but I'm not sure if I want to take that chance.
Ultimately is this something that can actually be fixed or should I just cut my losses and move on? We've talked about it and while I do think she listens and wants to change things I have yet to see it happen. I don't want to go through a divorce, especially if there's a child involved. I don't mind being involved with her kids and being an actual stepdad but I also don't want to come across as the only authority figure in the home either.
Welcome to the site!
It's unlikely that your gf will substantially change her parenting style, no matter what she says. This being the case, this may cause problems if you were to have a child with her because you would want to adopt a different style with more authority and structure and it would be awkward having two different sets of rules for the kids. Plus as time goes on, you are likely to find her parenting (or lack of) more and more irritating, not less, and tire of always being the "bad cop".
Kes says it all
There's nothing inherently wrong with either a permissive or authoritarian parenting approach, either can work. The problem is when each parent has an opposite style.
Welcome
As Kes and JRI have said, this situation isn't ideal.
I can only suggest, that if you really want to try with this relationship, maybe both of you could go to parenting classes to get on the same page about how to parent the kids.
But, please don't have a baby in this relationship until you have the parenting issues sorted. We see so many times when people rush to have a new baby only to end up with the relationship breaking down due to the increasing bad behaviour of the uncontrolled skids.
Cut your losses and move on
Cut your losses and move on (and take the cat).
Cat
Yes please rescue kitty. SKs should not be around animals at all. This makes me so mad.
She has shown you what kind of mother she is
So please do not have a baby with her.
I think you have two options.
1. Sit GF down and say she needs to commit to improving as a parent and changing things in household. This means therapy for the 8 year old, possibly family therapy together, and probably individual counseling or at least parenting classes for GF and/or you. This also means you make it clear both kids are launched out of the house (ready or not) at a reasonable age.
Or -
2. Cut your losses now and leave. You want to have a child - please select a partner who is not spineless to do this with. You sound like a decent guy - you'll find the right woman to have a family with.
I vote for 2. And take the cat with you, please.
Just wanted to thank
Just wanted to thank everybody for their thoughts. I suppose I kind of knew what the answer was. Seeing the responses just assured me I was definitely thinking the right way. I may give counseling a try as a few suggested but I do plan on being out on my own again when our lease is up early next year.
Reasonable
You sound reasonable and thoughtful. I could tell from your post you kinda knew what to do but wanted some validation about not being the *sshole. Your not. Give counseling a try but if you don't see a real commitment to change from GF soon - there really are better fish in the ocean for you. Good luck.
My advice
My advice, as one of the relatively few men on here, is to leave if you have other options. As others have said, it will get worse over time. Your story paralles mine to a large extent. I usesd to think that my SO is a permissive "friend parent," but it turned out she is actually a huge narcissist, and sees the children as mere extensions of her own ego. This is why she doesn't want to punish them or provide structure - it would be the same as punishing herself.
Regarding the lack of life skills, this is again quite intentional. People like our SOs like having their children around, and don't want them to grow up. My SO has repeatedly talked about how sad she will be when her kids are adults, and clearly doesn't want that to happen. MY SOs kids have no plans for higher education, and will be limited to food service and retail jobs, as these are the only jobs available for unskilled workers. This means a lifetime of financial dependence on their mother, even if they do somehow get their own place.
I tolerate my situation because I am on the road for my job most of the time. I don't have to deal with the day-to-day stuff like you do. To be fair, the kids are not openly hostile to me, so that helps. I just hold my nose and accept them, because that is necessary to be with my SO. For the most part, I do get along with my SO when I am there, but I have to make conscious effort to keep my mouth shut about her kids.
Intense feelings of love not withstanding....
Do not pollute your gene pool with this purveyor of FFFTs. (Failed Family F- Trophies).
One is an animal abuser. Nope, think of the risk to your potential future baby that one represents.
Up your standards in a mate and for the mother of your own children. Quit supplementing the costs of raising her FFFTs and move. Find a woman who wants what you want, is at the same place that you are in her life, or a partner who is a prior relationship breeder raising those children to standards that align with yours.
You have to believe what people show you regarding who they are as individuals, partners, and parents. You can't fix her but you can make sure you do not carry her issues into a marriage and you can make for damned sure that you do not risk your own children turning out like these two who would be their elder half sibs.
If you cannot 100% make sure that her failed family children and her own parernting failures will in no way impact any children you would have with her, then the logica answer is.......
Nope.
Good luck.
Kinda feels
Like you're down playing this . Cutting whiskers off the poor cat is very sinister
imagine what that kid could do to your new baby, as and when ?