All around help
Hello, my name is Chris and I'm a stepfather! Yeah, I know that almost sounded like a AA announcement to me as well.
Anyway's the reason why I'm writing today is well, like most step parents out there, I'm not getting along with my step daughter. This is not to say we never get along because we do, however that only seems when my step daughter get's her way or If I'm making her laugh.
A little back ground, this is my first and one can only hope my only marriage and also first shot at raising a Kido. My wife is in the same boat, this is her first marriage as well. My step Daughter is 11yrs old going on 40, she is a very smart girl and knows how to use it to her advantage. Her father is in the picture and he is re married with a step daughter of his own at home as well. We (meaning me, my wife, the Bio- father and his wife) are all on pretty good terms, there has not been any disagreements or arguments among ourselves. Also me and my wife at times even had my step daughters, step sister come spend the night with us.
Now here is the problem. My step daughter, is a great kid, she has her moments as we all do. In fact, I don't even blame all of our problems on her, as I know I'm for sure in the wrong allot of times. Most of the problems come from correcting her when she has done something wrong. My step daughter like most kids have an attraction to the computer, she could stay on this thing all day long and all night long if you let her. When me and my wife ask her to get off the computer, she get's very up set at times, and other times she is ok. When she get's up set it's more of a pout, nothing to crazy. Sometimes she will storm off to her room that kind of thing. The only time we get to her on about that is when she slams the door, however most of the time we just let her work it out on her own, because as most of you know when you talk to a kid at that point and time things can get heated up pretty quick. The only time things get really out of hand during this, is when my step daughter snaps or talks back to my wife. Then, that's when I step in and tell her not to talk to her mother in that way so on and so on, and hey I'm no saint here, almost 99.9% of the time, I raise my voice. I have tried the soft talk method and it goes in one ear out the other, when I raise my voice, she seems to listen, but I'm sure I'm in the wrong on this one.
The other problems we have is when I have to ask her to clean up her mess, or if she leaves a empty juice box or cup laying around and she has been told a million times to take those to the sink when she is done. Also she has a problem of not paying attention to what she is doing, and that leads her into bumping into someone or something. And of course this all leads me getting on to her. When I sit and talk to her and tell her that she needs to do this and that, she checks her head in a yes motion and says yes sir, but the next day or even the next second it happens again.
It has come to the point, were I'm going to just stop correcting her and getting on to her. Not because I don't care, but because I feel like it's a losing battle. With my daughter shutting what I say out on one hand, I have my wife who gives me a dirty look most of the time when I correct my step daughter, or I will get "are you serious?" from my wife. Also,when me and my step daughter get after one another, this makes my wife up set and very nervous. Not to mention my wife hates conflict, which is another problem. My wife will tell her to do something, and it does not get done, my wife will then tell my step daughter to do it again, my step daughter says no and instead of getting on to our child, my wife will just drop the issue giving in just to avoid conflict. Like for example last night my step daughter got onto my wife for not waking her up that morning when my wife woke up. My wife told her she did, but then my step daughter fell asleep. So my step daughter said you should of kept me awake. So my step daughter asked again to be woken up this morning no matter what, even if she didn't want to wake up, wake he up. So this morning my wife tried to wake up my step daughter and like normal, my step daughter started to get up set, and tole my wife to let her sleep, so she did. Then my wife tried to wake her up again and the same thing happened, so my wife just left her asleep. Before I left to go to work, my step daughter woke up and asked me why we did not keep her awake. I didn't say anything, because I didn't know what to say.
So, I'm sure I'm not by my self on this issue, so if anyone has any ideas on how to communicate better with my step daughter and even a way to talk to my wife that lets her know that I care about her child too, and everything I say is not meant to up set her or to even take control over her Kido, would be great.
Good news/bad news
It sounds like you have a normal 11 year old! The bad news is she is getting away with stuff that maybe she shouldn't? Maybe you and your wife could have a discussion about boundaries, rules, consequences - that sort of thing - and make sure you are on the same page. From the "wake me up" description, it sounds like your SD is trying to make your wife/you responsible for her behavior. At 11 y/o - she is responsible for her own behavior... Waking up is something she needs to learn to do on her own. That scenario sounds like a child dictating to adults and setting "chores" for the adult, and the adults accepting those chores. That would be the incorrect direction for chores to be delegated. My adult SD likes to "make" her father responsible for getting her up in the morning. HAHAHAHAHA - Well, no worries, my DH gets up EARLY every morning. Imagine her dismay when she was hauled out of bed every morning for a week at 5:30 am? Now she uses an alarm clock. Maybe this could be a strategy too?
Younglings are never easy! Take it easy.
Thanks gertrude
Yeah, I think your right. I do need to take it easy and slow my roll
However on the rest of your comment, you hit the nail on the head, that does really sound like what my SD is doing. I have always thought that she is the age to accept responsibility and take on responsibility, but when we give it to her and she does not do it, it almost seems pointless to keep on reminding her when it only goes in one ear and quickly out the other.
I do agree with what you said about me and my wife need to talk about rules, boundaries and consequences but how do I do that, with out making my wife thinking what she is doing now is bad. You know what I mean?
Cboat1975
Really Cboat, Gertrude is right and you are also correct.
Your 11 year old daughter does sound completely normal. I think one of the things you might need to realize though, is that she is not doing these things "intentionally". She is doing them from an immature, the world revolves around me viewpoint.
As far as getting your 11 year old to wake up... I wouldn't even bother to debate that one. Take her out and buy her an alarm clock of her choosing. And then tell her.... you are now responsible for getting yourself out of bed. It is not our job. We have enough going on in our lives, trying to get ourselves up and ready for work, without having to worry about waking you up. You are old enough now to do this. And if you sleep in, then you suffer your own consequences for sleeping in. (And then I usually throw in some kind of similar example - like you are old enough to want ... so then you are also old enough to assume the responsibility of getting yourself out of bed in the morning.)
As far as your wife goes, I think you will have a much better time of getting your wife to help you establish boundaries and rules if you pick your battles wisely. By that, I mean, letting go of small stuff. Yes, she is 11, let's not forget that. So as aggravating as it is, there are some things that need to be told over and over again (like her being too distracted and then bumping into you.) One of the days she bumps into you, she is going to drop something of value or spill something and she will have to clean it up herself and then she will be more careful. OR she'll break something and truly learn to watch where she's going.
As far as picking your battles, the thing that I do that helps me keep my sanity is ask myself this BEFORE I jump on the kid. And that is... Is what they are doing life threatening? is what they are doing going to cause them serious harm if they continue this behavior into adult hood? Is what they are doing just annoying to ME?? If I answer yes to any of those questions, it makes the next question - Do I need to fight this battle? - easier to answer.
Hope this helps. You really do sound like you've got a great situation there and that you are trying very hard. Best of luck to you.. and Welcome!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Gertrude, Stick Thank you both
Just wanted to say thank you both for your ideas and kind words. I must say, last night was awesome. I went in with a different look at things, and was really aware of how I talked to my SD to make sure I talked to her and not at her, and you could see a world of difference. She only talked back once but after I corrected her she was fine.
I talked to my wife about getting together and making rules and concessions and she agreed we are going to work on that and started to last night. And we also talked about the alarm clock thing, and she thought that was a great Idea. We will let my SD pick out an alarm clock tonight.
This morning we gave her a list of things to do, was only three things, but it's a start, had a little problem with her talking back and disrespecting by rolling her eyes at me when I was talking to her and then going "blah, blah, blah" So I told her I had enough with the disrespecting and took away her computer for the day, I never sheen that kid get so shocked in my life. But even with the puppy dog eyes, I stood by my guns and took the computer away. And more surprising, once I told my wife about it, she stood by me and backed me up. I don't think I gave/give my wife enough credit. So so far, so good. I know this is going to take allot of time, but it's showing promise
BINGO
"...It has come to the point, were I'm going to just stop correcting her and getting on to her. Not because I don't care, but because I feel like it's a losing battle...".
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
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There's an exception to everything I say.