Autistic Stepson with other physical disabilities, but SKID isn't always the frustrating part!
Skid is going to be 10 next month. BM is a heroin addict and virtually non-existent. DH has had skid raising him at his parent's home from age 2-6, then moved in with me, married me last august. Here's the thing for those of you who don't know me: I am a licensed school teacher and bio mother, and have at least AVERAGE intelligence. I knew DAY ONE when I met my future skid that something was seriously wrong with him. Took me months to say it, but finally got DH to get him tested. Sure enough, autism, motor coordination disorder (severe gross/fine motor delays) and a host of other issues.
Now i'm no genius, but you really didn't have to be to look at my skid and KNOW there was a huge problem. MY DH and his parents, who were all raising skid, IGNORED all of these issues. And, I know for a fact that skid was diagnosed around age 3 if not prior, as I saw the diagnosis for myself in skids medical records.
I assumed coming into the picture i'd be this child's advocate, force DH to get him the services he so desperately needs. And, that has happened. A lot of things have happened. But, DH does virtually NOTHING but drive the kid to his outpatient therapy once a week. NOTHING. They send home so many tools and things to help him. Dad does none of them.
I have now, finally, after 5 years, decided that I could no longer hold onto this ANGER that I have about it, and have 'given it to God' so to speak. I will never again yell at DH and tell him what to do for that kid. I know what's going to happen: Skid will grow up and be in assisted living AT BEST. DH doesn't see what I see. The chips in this case are going to need to fall as they may. Sadly, I think this will hit DH like a boulder one day. And there's nothing I can do to stop it.
Oh, and I do not like Skid. People on these boards, and in life in general, make me feel like SHIT cuz I don't like a disabled skid. Oh ok, if he weren't disabled it would be OK not to like him, but since he is, I should love him. NO. it doesn't work that way.
He's been taught for years by DH and by grandparents that he is responsible for nothing, is held accountable for nothing, can do no wrong, and that there are zero expectations for him. It's sad really. I do what I can to advocate for his care, but really that is all i'm willing and able to do.
The skids disabilities frustrate me most because his OWN FATHER won't do a thing about them. Again, i've tried pushing him for 5 years. i'm done.
Please don't let anyone make
Please don't let anyone make you feel bad about not liking your skid.
Also, don't be surprised if your DH never will agree to sending skid to an assisted living facility...he'll just expect you to take care of him at home until you die.
People that don't prepare
People that don't prepare adult children with disabilities to live as independent a life as possible are not really doing what is right for their child. I've seen what happens to a 55 year old disabled person when their last parent died and they've been kept only at home all their life.
It's not pretty.
I have a 22 yr old stepson HF
I have a 22 yr old stepson HF Autism OCD anxiety He sometimes displays jealousy traits like I was making my wife two Multi shelves in order to put her ceramic cats on, that she has accumulated. and My 22 yr old stepson came into the room and sits down on the chair and said who are they for? Mum I said! he sat and thought and continued to stare and then he said I could do with one of them for my CD's but you have shelves for your CD's but I want more! ok I said I will make one for you but I will have to go and Buy some wood from the shop and get the things I need to do the job so will take a couple of weeks to do! his reply was you can dismantle one of my computer desks but they hold your gaming console and your PC's and monitors on this is not the first time this sort of thing has happened then he will start on his mum! he said your not talking to me and ignoring me my wife will say that she is not if you wish to speak to me then why not come out of your room and talk I have been working all day and I am tired. I don't know how to tackle this I also worry about him be solitary and is on his pc and in his room sat down and will want some cider we do try to restrict his drinking but will get very Bolshy if we say No you can have some once a week and that's all we have tried to tell him that mum and me are getting older and that we wont be around for ever! and he needs to do things for himself and go out and do things for himself my wife and I have managed to go away for 4 days but have had to put things in place Like easy microwave food and plenty of milk but when we came back yes fantastic he has remembered to feed the cats but the dishes are all dirty if something unexpected happens he will get thrown by it and pan-nick the other day he went out without telling me and i thought he was phoning me from his bedroom as I thought that was where he was I thought it was strange i was in the garden and did not see him go out through the front door!he can get on a bus into the town center as the bus into town runs straight past our house .I get a phone call Hi its E***** here Hello I said can i help you I have lost my wallet oh have you where are you ? in Town (he named the Town) oh what you doing there ? I was going to CEKS but I lost my wallet ok where? On the bus!ok what was in your wallet? My card, My bus pass, any money I asked? No was the reply so i arranged to meet him in the main pedestrian entrance at Morrisons I jumped in the car Parked it ! and he was waiting at the entrance where you drive into Morrisons car park! so as it was a debit visa card It had to be cancelled But he did not have a clue what to do ! so I had to go through it in stages with him ! he seems to think that his mum is going to live forever and I am trying to instill in him that we won't I don't know what to do as he is 22 the authorities don't seem to think that he needs help but he definitely do and that is what worries me also what worries me is my wifes drinking she drinks cider sometimes 3 times a week ! I don't drink but feel that 3 times a week is too much! am I being unreasonable?
Oh, that sounds scary,
Oh, that sounds scary, oldone.
What I am afraid of is when the last parent dies and my autistic stepson has only his sister left. The sister who bullied and beat him with a free rein until I put a stop to it. I fear that very much.
Kathc, If that happens, it
Kathc,
If that happens, it will be a deal-breaker, and I will be gone. Skid for the rest of my life is a DEAL BREAKER!
My adult SD has been
My adult SD has been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, as well as a host of other behavioral/social issues. Frankly, I don't like her either (it's only gotten worse since I've had to live with her). Honestly, it's not my kid, we have virtually no common interests and, despite being told repeatedly to clean up her act, is a slob with poor to absent personal hygiene. What's to like? I'm supposed to ignore the fact she literally smells because she is not neuro-typical? Blech. Heck, I don't even like my own offspring that much, love him to death, would kill or die for him, but LIKE him?!? Eh.
My skid has zero good
My skid has zero good personal hygiene habits either. Every day skidmarks in his underpants, never brushes teeth, or takes any initiative to clean himself up, no hand washing, nothing. He wipes his dirty hands and mouth on his CLOTHES when he eats. All of his stuff has a pilly texture to it and all have stains on them. I don't even wash his clothes with mine or my kids clothes. I'm not putting shit caked underpants in with my stuff.
AND OF COURSE, AS SAID ABOVE, DH does NADA about any of it.
I wash his stuff with DH's work clothes, all the really filthy, dirty stuff together.
My skid once he hits puberty will SURELY stink....and I agree, what's to like about GROSS behavior?
Your DH is in denial stage,
Your DH is in denial stage, and seems to stay forever there. He needs counseling ASAP and should do something about this situation.
Do not argue any more, just suggest him going to therapy. My DH has a BD with serious psychological problems, and he is still not accepting this situation and trying not to see the symptoms. What I have done? well first he accepted to go to therapy and after months he is still working on this issue. As my SD had new severe symptoms I personally called my DH´s psychologist. She thanked me for the information and said she was going to work on that.
It was a relief, as now she is on my side, and I do not have to be the wife tormenting him any more.
Hope it helps and our Dhs can see reality as it is, and do not live a lie.
Yup, Yup!! Have a SS15 with
Yup, Yup!! Have a SS15 with Aspergers and to quote you: "He's been taught for years by DH and by grandparents that he is responsible for nothing, is held accountable for nothing, can do no wrong, and that there are zero expectations for him. It's sad really. I do what I can to advocate for his care, but really that is all I’m willing and able to do." Is right on!
When I first met my SO, he only described his son as "highly gifted and intelligent". Seriously, come on now. I knew the first day I met SS that he was not close to normal, and I AM a licensed mental health professional and my mother is like you a licensed teacher but also has a masters in school counseling. She and I are in agreement regarding his issues and need for treatment.
At first, I never gave my opinion until asked, then SO followed through and got the IEP and enrolled SS into a behavioral school. But, that’s where it ends. There is no follow through in the home, no behavior modification, nothing. I have tried, I offered suggestions, referreral for everything from behavioral and psychotherapies to socialization groups to even just extracurricular activities. They have followed through with nothing.
As for me, I just constantly set boundaries. That is something SO will listen to, if I let him know how SS is affecting me or the relationship in a negative way and this is what I "need", he will follow through with a change because our relationship is important to him. But, if it just extra work and commitment for SS, he just doesn’t follow through. I think there is some denial there, its not because he doesn’t care. As for BM, forget about her. She is useless.
Most days, I cannot stand SS. I don’t like him, I have nothing in common with him and I am not in the mood to deal with his social awkwardness. But, once in a while I remember it isn’t him per say, but his neurological and social inadequacies that effect my relationship in a negative way. Right? No, not really. I don’t like the kid no matter how hard I try to put it into more logical terms. I think it’s a pretty normal reaction. We wouldn’t want anyone around that affected us and our relationships in such a negative way.
Love51, my skid's baby momma
Love51, my skid's baby momma is a heroin addict, so also, useless. We maybe see her 2x a year. When I met my skid for the first time we were all at the park and I saw skid walk away from all the other kids, and start spinning some stuffed animal toy he had brought with him up real close in his face, pacing back and forth, making almost painful looking distorted faces at the toy, and kind of moaning at it. I almost FELL OVER! I remember going home and telling my mother that I was surprised that DH (at the time, onlyfirst date with kids)had a kid that had something seriously wrong with him and didn't warn me ahead of time. Please tell me how he could look at that behavior and think nothing was wrong with it??? It still BAFFLES my mind.
So, skid will be 10 next month and still walks around doing the same shit, because NO ONE ever told him not to. I finally laid down the law with DH, I said 'skid has to self stim in his bedroom' Honestly, that's an activity he probably needs, OK, but IN PRIVATE. There are public behaviors and there are private behaviors. I said what happens when he's a teen and decides to masturbate, should we let him do that in my livingroom too?.....LMAO, yes I said those words. got DH on the same page with me.
DH thinks skid is 'smart' too. Cuz the asshole gen-ed teacher he had all year at school (skid also has a PCA with him all day), gave him all 2 and 3s on his report card i guess just trying to be "nice". Skid has his re-evaluation report, last one done in Kindergarten. SKID HAS A 74 IQ! That is borderline Mental Retardation. DH thinks he's a fucking genius! So, now that the school has seen how bad he really is, they quick put him in special ed for reading and math. last semester he came home with all 1s on his reportcard, from 3's the semester before. DH is upset. I said well don't be upset with the NEW SPED teacher, be upset with the LIES AND FALSE HOPES you were given by the gen ed teacher.
Skid was just most recently diagnosed with vocal cord nodules. This comes from either really screaming and yelling alot which skid does NOT do, or inappropriate/ineffective breathing with speech. Speech pathologist tested him. Sent hope a paper, I kid you not, to teach this child to BREATHE the right way. DH IGNORES THIS TOO....
Again, that's why i've had to just GIVE THIS TO GOD.....skid will most likely never ride a bike, NEVER drive a car, NEVER hold a job, NEVER marry, NEVER procreate....and I just think this is all going to come CRASHING DOWN on DH all at once, like with no warning.......and I just don't think there's anything at this point that I can do to stop it.
I am so happy I recommended
I am so happy I recommended they add this forum topic! I probably wasn't the only one, but it's good to hear your voices. I knew I wasn't the only one. It is so incredibly hard to watch parents do so little to help their kids. They didn't want to force SD to do anything she didn't want to do, so that meant no school, no social connections, no specialized instruction in how to eat, dress appropriately (clothes that fit, are not threadbare), cook a meal, go to the store, etc. ARRGGGGHHHH. My suggestions went unheeded and only caused arguments.
so your DH is just like mine
so your DH is just like mine witsend71? a do-nothing and just pretend everything is OK and it will all just go away? UGHHH....so frustrating....
Thank you for recommending
Thank you for recommending the topic!!! It is so great to know we are not alone.
Please read my blog!!
Please read my blog!!
Thank you so much. I always
Thank you so much. I always thought I was such a horrible person for disliking my SS. I'm not sure exactly what was wrong with him. He was 6 when I met him. He couldn't dress himself, feed himself without dropping food out of his mouth. No one could understand him. If he had an accident he would hide his underwear around the house. Everyone kept making excuses for him. His older siblings would dress him, bathe him, even buckle him in the car!!!! I came to hate his two favorite words, "I can't". With the most nasal, whining tone. It was like nails on a chalk board. I began hiding in my bedroom whenever they came for their visitation. I offered to pay for extensive testing to find out exactly what was wrong with him. Did I have unreasonable expectations from him? Could he really not comb his hair or brush his teeth. And yes, if he pooped one of his siblings would help him wipe. Nothing was ever done. Luckily due to some traumatic events that took place in our home they have never returned. I see them very very rarely. Yah!!!!!