.... and I havent even met the daughter yet - but it won't be long till I do... and when I do, I want to be prepared for the step-parent lifestyle and would appreciate any word of advice you can offer.
All I can say is "Welcome to hell!" There is no way you can prepare yourself for the stepmom role. I thought since I'd have grown stepchildren it would be a piece of cake. Read my posts and blog. Boy was I wrong! Some people manage better than others but I am a "give them hell and yell" type and short tempered when it comes to people trying to take advantage of me. Feel free to private message me. How old is the future stepdaughter?
***** Follow me on my blog! Me (41). DH (54). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.
Keep an open mind. Be pleasant as you would to a friend or neighbor's child. Depending on the age of the child you can have a lot of different reactions. Older ones seem to have a harder time if they still think bm and bd can get back together. Younger ones can become overly attached to the new woman. Then there are just kids with all different personalities. I do think sometimes the bd might put on a bit of a show the first time too. Really observe him over time to find out what kind of parent he is and if it gels with what you think is right.
How you handle it and what you prepare yourself for totally depend on the people involved. Main advise from me (12 years in) is to try to communicate with your DH as much and openly as possible about everything. Try not to take too much personally because it is a loaded relationship to begin with no matter who is involved (personality wise). Also...take it as slow and easy as you can...stand back and take/give the good and don't get involved in the bad if you don't have to. If you see things going bad or hear warning bells, see statement number two.
Welcome MissC82! I agree completely with Sara Smile...every situation is different and the people that are involved make a big difference either way on how well things go. For example, if your BF/DH is a "Disney Dad", spoils the skids, doesn't back you up or support you and just basically lets skids & BM walk all over him (I politely call this "doormat status"), then you may want to seriously take this into consideration before you move forward with the relationship. I can only speak from my experience (6 years in, no biokids of my own, 2 skids - SD15 & SS12) that communication is key and always making sure that DH knows how you feel & that you make sure you always know where you stand. It is a very large sacrifice & commitment. Good luck!!
Be prepared. That's all I can say! There are some really good books out there that could help: Stepcoupling, Stepmonster, The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace...
Seriously, check out Amazon.com and you could always think about getting a counselor in case you decide to lose your mind. Never hurts to have things lined up and you can always cancel if you don't need it. I don't mean to scare you and if anyone had said this crap to me I would have said they were CRAZY but if I knew then what I know now, I would have prepared myself as if I were going to battle. Being a stepparent can be wonderful and terrible at the same time - the more information you have at the start can only help ease your transition into it.
And I agree with Sara_Smile, communicate communicate communicate with DH! Talk about methods of parenting and what you expect from him and what you expect from your stepkids. Set boundaries ahead of time. Talk to him about what you can expect from BM - a lot of them are nuts but if you're all willing to work together, it will be beneficial for all. Most of all, have fun getting to know them
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Yes, every situation is different. Though there are some common themes.
Here is some advice -- sorry for any repetition with the above posts.
1) Take it slowly with the stepkid. Don't swoop in and try to be Instant Stepmom. Let her set the pace of getting to know you.
2) Don't discipline her at all -- let her dad do that.
3) Resist the impulse to develop a relationship in any way, shape or form with the BM. At least at first. Really give yourself time to see how she interacts with the kid, with your BF, etc.
4) Read the book Stepmonster, by Wednesday Martin. Seriously, read it now, BEFORE the problems start. Because there will be problems -- it comes with the territory.
5) Watch the way your BF and his daughter interact. Be on the lookout for guilt parenting -- e.g. his giving in to every single whim of hers and being completely unable to discipline her.
6) Watch the way your BF acts toward YOU when his daughter is present. Does he ignore you? Is he incapable of showing you affection when she's around? Do you feel invisible when she's there? These things are GIANT red flags that need to be dealt with before you should even consider moving forward in any way with the relationship.
7) Read Steptalk to see the common problems people have in your situation.
Pay close attention to how your BF reacts when you talk to him about any concerns you might have. Does he listen to you, or does he get mad, or does he blow off your concerns as silly or trivial? Again, the way he responds to you is a very important indicator of the success of your future relationship.
This is a tough gig. And I'm one of the success stories. Good luck!
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
All I can say is "Welcome to
All I can say is "Welcome to hell!" There is no way you can prepare yourself for the stepmom role. I thought since I'd have grown stepchildren it would be a piece of cake. Read my posts and blog. Boy was I wrong! Some people manage better than others but I am a "give them hell and yell" type and short tempered when it comes to people trying to take advantage of me. Feel free to private message me. How old is the future stepdaughter?
***** Follow me on my blog! Me (41). DH (54). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.
Keep an open mind. Be
Keep an open mind. Be pleasant as you would to a friend or neighbor's child. Depending on the age of the child you can have a lot of different reactions. Older ones seem to have a harder time if they still think bm and bd can get back together. Younger ones can become overly attached to the new woman. Then there are just kids with all different personalities. I do think sometimes the bd might put on a bit of a show the first time too. Really observe him over time to find out what kind of parent he is and if it gels with what you think is right.
How you handle it and what
How you handle it and what you prepare yourself for totally depend on the people involved. Main advise from me (12 years in) is to try to communicate with your DH as much and openly as possible about everything. Try not to take too much personally because it is a loaded relationship to begin with no matter who is involved (personality wise). Also...take it as slow and easy as you can...stand back and take/give the good and don't get involved in the bad if you don't have to. If you see things going bad or hear warning bells, see statement number two.
Welcome MissC82! I agree
Welcome MissC82! I agree completely with Sara Smile...every situation is different and the people that are involved make a big difference either way on how well things go. For example, if your BF/DH is a "Disney Dad", spoils the skids, doesn't back you up or support you and just basically lets skids & BM walk all over him (I politely call this "doormat status"), then you may want to seriously take this into consideration before you move forward with the relationship. I can only speak from my experience (6 years in, no biokids of my own, 2 skids - SD15 & SS12) that communication is key and always making sure that DH knows how you feel & that you make sure you always know where you stand. It is a very large sacrifice & commitment. Good luck!!
Be prepared. That's all I
Be prepared. That's all I can say! There are some really good books out there that could help: Stepcoupling, Stepmonster, The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace...
Seriously, check out Amazon.com and you could always think about getting a counselor in case you decide to lose your mind. Never hurts to have things lined up and you can always cancel if you don't need it. I don't mean to scare you and if anyone had said this crap to me I would have said they were CRAZY but if I knew then what I know now, I would have prepared myself as if I were going to battle. Being a stepparent can be wonderful and terrible at the same time - the more information you have at the start can only help ease your transition into it.
And I agree with Sara_Smile, communicate communicate communicate with DH! Talk about methods of parenting and what you expect from him and what you expect from your stepkids. Set boundaries ahead of time. Talk to him about what you can expect from BM - a lot of them are nuts but if you're all willing to work together, it will be beneficial for all. Most of all, have fun getting to know them
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Yes, every situation is
Yes, every situation is different. Though there are some common themes.
Here is some advice -- sorry for any repetition with the above posts.
1) Take it slowly with the stepkid. Don't swoop in and try to be Instant Stepmom. Let her set the pace of getting to know you.
2) Don't discipline her at all -- let her dad do that.
3) Resist the impulse to develop a relationship in any way, shape or form with the BM. At least at first. Really give yourself time to see how she interacts with the kid, with your BF, etc.
4) Read the book Stepmonster, by Wednesday Martin. Seriously, read it now, BEFORE the problems start. Because there will be problems -- it comes with the territory.
5) Watch the way your BF and his daughter interact. Be on the lookout for guilt parenting -- e.g. his giving in to every single whim of hers and being completely unable to discipline her.
6) Watch the way your BF acts toward YOU when his daughter is present. Does he ignore you? Is he incapable of showing you affection when she's around? Do you feel invisible when she's there? These things are GIANT red flags that need to be dealt with before you should even consider moving forward in any way with the relationship.
7) Read Steptalk to see the common problems people have in your situation.
This is a tough gig. And I'm one of the success stories. Good luck!
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Well said, BB! I second
Well said, BB! I second everything she just said!