Does it make me an evil hag?

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I love my fiance so much. But even just writing this post right now opens so much pain in my heart. We've been through a lot and even on days when money just seems to evaporate- him and I still have the greatest time together. The problem is, I feel that I always go on second place once his children visits us.

I shouldn't complain I know. I care for them. I worry when they get hurt, I take time to play and entertain them, I spend time with them and recently I spent a week painting and decorating their rooms in our new house. I want them to know that its their house too. But I am confused because I do all of that but I still feel jealous and threatened by them... I know for a fact that when it all comes down to it, Im just chum change and he will give me up for them. (Thats why I would not dare to make him choose..)

He has and 8 and a 9 year old girl. I know that we spoil them a lot. Their mom and her new boyfriend had 2 new babies in the last 2 and a half years so we make sure we give them attention when they are with us.

This weekend that just passed though just brought back unpleasant memories and feelings. We missed out on a complimentary honeymoon because we couldnt drive to the next city because they were with us. And then we missed out a limo booking for our wedding because we had to drive his oldest to a Girl Guides event and on Saturday we couldnt get stuff for me because we had to drive the younger one to Brownies! Not to mention we have been working and renovating our new house before we move in for the last 3 weeks. The long weekend would have sealed the deal but we were very limited because the girls were obstructions. Getting bored and complaining and getting hungry.... And the oldest one has been calling me weird!

I feel horrible. I love him but as I picture my life the way it is right now,I will always be number 2. The outsider. The other woman. The one in the bottom pile. He tells me there is no comparisson. He loves me. And he loves them. But why do I feel that he cant understand my pain?

What is the best way to do it? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to effectively tell him how I feel?

I'm with you on this one - I

I'm with you on this one - I know I will never be number one in my SO's life. And you find it hard to criticise because SO gets all defensive over his kids. Unfortunately he probably won't be able to feel your pain because he is in a very different position than you, howevever this doesn't mean that he can't try and see it from your point of view. When you say "we" had to drive the girls to an event, does this mean you both actually go? If so, perhaps you could not go and do some of the things you want to do on your own, ie the getting stuff for you? Or do you not drive so he has go go with you? I do feel for what you are going through.

Hi Sunnyskies. I know that my

Hi Sunnyskies. I know that my situation is not uncommon. I do drive and appreciate having some "me" time sometimes. But those were commitments we both had to be present. Thats why I felt that our life/ wedding came second and the girls activities were a priority. I told him last night that yes I agree that he needs to spend time with his kids but those were extra curricular activities that the BM set for them.

Yes you're right. He gets very defensive when I bring up his girls. It all of a sudden becomes you and I instead of we. He tells me that I dont understand his reasons because I dont have kids of my own.

Do you think it will be different once we share a kid of our own? Even that is still hanging. He said he wants us to have a baby but is not sure when the right time is because he doesnt want to feel that his kids are left out. (and we would turn out like the same situation at their BM's and SD's house). Why would I have to suffer for that? :?

Whoa whoa... He isn't sure

Whoa whoa... He isn't sure when the time will be right for you two to have a baby because he's afraid his daughters will feel left out.... To me, from all the experiences I've read about and what I've seen... this may really mean - You want a baby so I'll tell you we will have one, but I will put it off and put it off because you are second in my life and if my kids don't me permission to have another child, well, that's just going to be too darn bad for you.

Does he expect his daughters to go on your honeymoon? Does he discipline his children? Who's the one that takes care of the feeding and bathing and homework when they are at your house? Are you allowed to discipline them?

You already feel second. Marrying him will not change this. Having a baby with him will not change this. Having a baby will just mean that you And your baby will come second to his current children.

I would consider if this is really the life that you want. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life being last on the priority list? Don't fool yourself thinking that changes when the kids become adults either - in a lot of cases, then you just drop further down the list as grandchildren enter the picture....

If you aren't able to have reasonable conversations about his daughters now, if you are put second, your wedding is second, your life is second to everything and anything to do with the girls, you really need to think about whether that is how you want your whole life to be. Find a therapist, talk to your fiance, but seriously think about this. Marriage pretty much Never makes these situations better - it makes them worse.

Wow Aeron. Every single thing

Wow Aeron. Every single thing you wrote about has been playing on my mind. Maybe I actually knew the answers all along. He stresses and he gets frustrated when I tell him I feel second place. I dont think he can fully explain it either- but to him he always says there is nothing to compare. He loves me as his fiance/ wife. He loves his kids as his children. I STILL DONT GET THAT.... He says his father wasnt really there when they were growing up and he wants to make it right by being the best father for his girls. He thinks I dont understand because my parents are still together and that my dad spoils me till now.

About us having our own- yes it hurts but it did seem that way. He wants to protect them from what they are currently experiencing at their mom's house. I get that at one point but at the same time I was hoping things will turn around.

I used to help out with homework, bathing and feeding them. Well I still prepare dinner and stuff. Or take them out to dinner or chuck e cheese and stuff but I have slowly distant myself from doing that. p.s. we had a huge thing about me giving the girls baths before. The BM freaked when she found out and told the girls I was invading their privacy. So even now if they beg me- i just say no. Dont get me wrong, I still look after them... but sometimes it feels like I only do it to make him happy. Or to be pleased with me. I leave most of the disciplining with him because I cant stand when they whine. There is nothing to whine about. They get everything.... On certain occassions I couldnt stop but call them out on it or correct. He is okay with that... i guess.

Honestly... he sounds like a

Honestly... he sounds like a very very guilty daddy and those don't change without a giant boot to the head. I totally agree - you love your kids as your kids and your partner as your partner, no real comparison. But this sounds like it's about priorities. This isn't about being loved More or Less, it's about feeling that every need you have and every want you have will always be second to those of his daughters. I would ask him how he expects to build a strong marriage if your marriage will always take a back seat to scouts and other extra curriculars.

Part of being a good father is teaching his children that the world does not revolve around them. Their activities can not always come first. I don't know what the situation is at their mom's house, but it's pretty natural for older kids to have a problem with younger siblings coming into the picture - babies need a lot of care and attention, so if he's concerned that his children are going to feel left out or replaced or less loved because baby needs so much constant attention at the beginning and things like a crib and baby toys, then it sounds like he's just telling you what you want to hear.

You need to talk to him about what this actually means when he says "the right time", because honestly, there's Never a right time. Is he thinking there's an actual date they will feel secure enough that he will then agree to another child? Or is it just a "we'll have to wait and see when they'll be comfortable with it" Because if you wait for your SDs to be okay with you having a baby, that day will likely never come, but you haven't said a whole lot about your relationship with the girls specifically. I would pin him down on this. For me, not having kids would be a total deal breaker. I told DH this, because as much as I love him, I'm not giving up my right to my own children just because his daughter has informed him that she doesn't want any siblings. Thankfully, he's on board with this....

I would let him take care of his kids... it doesn't sound like you enjoy it or that it's rewarding to you so you're going to wind up resenting it. If they "get everything" and already are whining about lord knows what.... wow, yeah, Daddy's firmly on his way to turning them into spoiled brats that will run his life for him.

I don't mean to be a doomsayer, I just see a Lot of red flags in what you've written and I'm concerned that you're going to wind up married and feeling like you got hit by a mac truck while everyone you know stands over you and tells you "You knew what you were getting into" giving up years of your life to wind up childless and sacrificing for kids that don't appreciate it and walk all over you and a husband that thinks you should be Happy to raise his little darlings, not understanding Why you could think it was different from having your own.

I dont want the girls to vanish in thin air or go away. Sometimes I do sincerely enjoy having them around. Maybe its just a sign of my immaturity?

Sent a PM - in case you

Sent a PM - in case you didn't notice it.

Yeah, what does "not ready"

Yeah, what does "not ready" mean??