Tired and frustrated
Tired and frustrated!
I am engaged to a man 12 years older than me with two boys; one is 11 and the other is 15. I love all three of them very much, but there are times even I feel like my love for my step children isn’t quite unconditional. The youngest keeps to him self but the oldest has a learning disability, stuffers, is super clingy, and is absolutely head over heels for his mom. In any other situation I would understand, but their mother kidnapped them when they were young and stole every penny from their father, forcing him into bankruptcy, had them in at least 5 schools in a years time, left them at their fathers and didn’t come back for 4 years, now only sees them when it’s convenient for her. Any other mother I would understand, but her? The little one and I get along just fine, but the oldest makes things tough. He constantly says things that hurt my feelings and at first I let it go as “well he’s a teenager.” Now it’s happened so often I’m not so sure it isn’t on purpose. I have tried and still do try, but I have to admit I’m getting tired of feeling bad if I don’t treat him special enough, of yelling at his dad to not go so hard on him. I’m tired of constantly trying to win points with a 15 yr old. I love the man that I’m with but I’m scared that this won’t just sort its self out.
Stop treating him so special,
Stop treating him so special, especially since he treats you like crap. He knows that he can say things to hurt your feelings and you will still try to win him over. Stop caring, disengage from him, let his dad deal with him.
There is no reason for you to feel bad for not treating him special enough and your love for those kids does not have to be unconditional.
How do you suggest I
How do you suggest I disengage? I have thought of this in the past but I don’t know if I care too much, or I have to have my two sense heard. I don’t want to walk away, but I don’t think my fiancé always hears where I’m coming from, and I think his oldest doesn’t always mean to stick his foot in his mouth, but honestly I don’t know.
Unconditional love is what
Unconditional love is what the child has for his crappy mother.
I don't think it is advisable to have unconditional love for anyone except in a parent - child relationship.
(Even then there may be limits.)
I also don't advise that you play games with a 15 year old.
Who does this kind of thing?
It does not create an environment of respect where people are trying to one-up each other.
Either leave your fiance to sort out his own kids, with you disengaging, or leave.
Personally to me these kind of situations are destructive and soul destroying.
I would leave rather than put up with a weak man and damaged children because love is not enough to make a relationship work.
SD13 is crappy to me too. I’m
SD13 is crappy to me too. I’m engaged to DH as well. I decided to disengage from skids and get my own place. There’s nothing you can really do about it because you can’t punish that behavior out of the child. They have to learn on their own that it’s not acceptable. I’m also not wanting there to be conflict over SDs behavior everyday because there literally would be conflict everyday if DH addressed her behavior toward me each time. So I exited and refuse to subject myself to that kind of treatment anymore. Once you exit they do realize how awful they’ve been. You don’t have to live a miserable life.