SD is in control. And BM. Not me. In my house.
Last night, hubby and I plus our two daughters (2 and 6) were in the hot tub and I thought...I wish our life was always so happy. But today came, and so did SD11. So today is not happy. I'm constantly overruled, even though I'm told to be more forceful in getting her to listen. She recently got braces and her mother gave her popcorn (she's an idiot but hey, it's not her teeth). He blamed bm. I blame sd11. She got the braces, she should know what she's not allowed to eat. My insurance is covering 2k of the braces. The weekend past while with her mother she ate Marshmallows, crunchits, sunflower seeds amongst other things. But I can't get mad and tell her she controls what goes in her mouth and I'm not spending 2000 dollars for her to not listen but hey, they've only been on a month and she's only ate like 6 wrong things.
Next, she's supposed to do her homework before nighttime sports ( hockey). Dh reminded her to have it done before he picked her up today for hockey. Nope not done. But that's OK, she's only forgot literally every time we told her.
I told her to call her mom to say goodnight bc it was 845 and bedtime is 9. She wanted to watch her videos a few minutes first and then call mom. I told her to do the reverse bc I'm sick and tired of bedtime being up to bm who has to hang up bc sd11 isn't responsible enough to watch the clock (probably legit, she's only 11). But nope, she wants to call mom just before she closes her eyes, that's up to sd too. If she passed bedtime, there will be consequences. Yeah ok... last week she was late 5 nights in a row and we decided she should call mom at 830, have her 10 minutes or so on the phone, get ready for bed and then go to bed. It's in our control. But sd got upset and cried and then was too anxious to go to school (yes she's on medication, but that don't change behavior... if your told no, you don't get to have a tantrum and call it anxiety) so here we are again tonight. And hubby is gone to work so it's all on me.
God i hate this part of my life. I give and give and give I buy the clothes, I do most of the homework, i do most of the pickups. And for what???
I'm really just ranting. Cause I'm not gonna leave cause 50% of the time my life is the best. The best. I'm so happy. Until she's here. And she's been part of my life for 10 years. But the last 4 are awful. I dread our time with her.
Signed, a frustrated stepmom
Wowee you are going above and
Wowee you are going above and beyond and not getting any thanks or respect for it, it seems.
Could you speak with DH and suggest the times he is at work, she ring and speak to her mother when he's there and then her phone is off as he's not home to monitor her on it. That way, the control of the phone is at least taken away from her there. If you tell her to go to bed and she doesn't, then DH has to deal with a consequence otherwise if he ignores you on that and doesn't follow through, threaten to drop her to BMs while he's working or to him at work.
And if she cries and doesn't go to school, then again, drop her to BMs it DH isn't there. Or drop her to DH work. Not your problem. I've done that to SD and SS before and BM was pissed her kids were at her doorstep as I refused to look after them. But sorry I didn't birth these kids and no way am I legally responsible. You need to have this same outlook. If her homework doesn't get done - oh well. Not your problem. Focus on your bios and use her laziness as an example of not what to do. SD doesn't shower and I educate my DD on the repercussions of that and now even she nags her sometimes. It's hilarious and frustrating for me.
Also, does insurance mean you are responsible for funding the braces? (Aussie here) Why isn't your DH or BM doing that?
And maybe suggest a way DH do some of the heavy lifting of picking up SD. My husband changed careers as I was done with driving and looking after the skids. It was that or I leave the marriage basically. Stop monitoring her homework, buying her clothes, just stop everything. Your DH needs to do that. Or BM.
Anyway I'm still navigating on relieving my own stress but hopefully doing some oh those things will relieve some of your stress too.
I remember when I had braces
I was in Europe on a trip to Paris and Spain and I ate a bunch of crap that was against the rules and the bracket broke on my far back molar. And so my entire 14 day European trip I had a piece of metal poking me hard in the cheek making it raw and bloody and I was just stuck. It'll happen to her and she'll learn her lesson .
Can her dad take over the parenting duties that she balks at?
Overuled? By who? That is some bullshit.
No one overrules an adult in their own home when that adult has dealt with a child. Regardless of what flavor of kid is being dealt with. Not even their partner. When an adult speaks, that is it. The partner bites their tongue and has the speaker's back until they are in private. Then it gets discussed.
If your DH does not like how you parent and discipline then he can step up and take care of it before you have to. Pr he bites his tongue and he has your back. Period. Even if he does step up, he can do it to your standards of he will hear about it when the two of you are behind closed doors. Have his back then talk about it offline. Unless.... you want to send a message and give DH a taste of his own medicine. Over rule him then ask him how he likes it.
I struggle with these situations beause my DW and I rarely had these things happen. The rare incident, we had one that I recall, is what developed the "If you do not like how I parent and discipline then you can step up and get it done before I have to. Otherwise you bite your tongue and support me until we can speak offline."
Your DH does not overrule you. Period. Dot. You are equity life partners and that makes you equity parents to any kid in your home regardless of kid biology and parent prefix, or lack of prefix.