SD is acting up & No help from partner
Im aware this has been covered many times on this site but I’m going insane. I am starting to grow tired of my 3yo SD & don’t feel like my partner understands.
We only get her for 6 months at a time as we are 3000 miles away from her bio mom. I’m also 5MO pregnant. This is the first time we’ve had her in 6 months. Since I work from home I also watch her all day. Her mother does little to discipline so she has not yet been warmed up to potty training & refuses to sleep on her own. She also cannot stand showering and screams every time we go to do bath time. She will not eat anything I make for her... the only thing she will eat is fruit, yogurt and crackers.
I’ve began to start potty training and put an end to the co-sleeping habit but it has been a task. She screams bloody murder when i leave her alone in the room (with the door open). I’ve started a schedule and try to stick to it but my partner hasn’t been the most helpful. The last couple of days he has been great and worked alongside me but today isn’t one of those days. I make sure she is in her PJs & in bed by 8:15 and turn off the TV an hour beforehand. She was extremely unwilling to go to her room for story time and he allowed her to stay out in the living room. When I asked him if we could get back onto the schedule he said ‘She doesn’t want to do it, stop rushing her’
I told him of course she didn’t want to, but it’s not up to her. I don’t think he understands the importance of keeping consistent to the schedule. He still lets her do as she wants and she honest to god gets away with everything. It feels like he doesn’t understand how hard I’m trying to get her to become more disciplined. There have been nights where she stays up until 2AM and I’m the one stuck laying on the floor next to her bed until she falls asleep. She will wake up in the middle of the night and wander off into the hallway looking for me and she will scream and cry until i put her back to bed. I’m losing out on time with my partner, time for work and myself because I’m constantly bending over backwards to keep her happy. It’s hard enough that her mother who she is with primarily has not set any boundaries. I feel myself growing more frustrated and upset each day and don’t think he sees why. I’m stuck with her 8+ hours a day in a 2 bedroom apartment. I try to keep my patience but I don’t know how much more I can take. His excuse is always ‘Oh she’s a kid’ or ‘Be happy she’s even doing it, she never has before’. He even went as far as saying ‘Her mom isn’t going to continue fo do all of this. It’s a waste of time’ Which is true, her bio mom doesn’t care enough to help potty train her or get her acclimated to her own space because ‘it’s too hard & i don’t have time’
what do i do?
If you have her 6 months &
If you have her 6 months & Mom has her 6 months, she's not "primarily with Mom" & this isn't BM's fault. It's your HUSBAND'S fault, the person who is currently responsible for this child...
We get her 6 months out of
We get her 6 months out of the year, in 3 week incrimints. Every time I establish a routine her BM doesn’t follow through with it. By the time we get her back it’s long forgotten... should have elaborated.
That is one of the most
That is one of the most expensive long distance schedules I have ever heard. You are 3,000 miles away. Someone has to fly with her.
It’s extremely expensive. His
It’s extremely expensive. His BM hates me for no reason. When she first heard of me she absolutely refused to allow her daughter to come to our house because of me out of pure jealousy. She refuses to let him have her for more than a couple weeks at a fine & being there is no custody schedule there’s not much we can do. For the child’s sake we try to avoid custody battles. We love her too much to pay the money to have her
Perhaps your husband would be
Perhaps your husband would be more willing to get with the program and give you authority as well as responsibility if you told him you couldn't watch his child while you worked at home. He's expecting an awful lot to not go along with what you're struggling to do. If he won't cooperate, leave all parenting to him. I agree with the prior poster that the child is NOT primarily with mom if she spends 6 months with her father. Your husband needs to step up and parent.
Hey, thanks for the reply! I
Hey, thanks for the reply! I should have further elaborate on the time thing. We do get her six month out of the year but in 3 week increments. This has only been decided recently, before this she has been living with mom for years and we have only gotten her on weekends. Which is why i said she is primarily with her mom. When i suggest letting her cry it out or anything along those lines he gets hesitant because he believes she is ‘sad’ when in reality she is being manipulative. I don’t know how to get across how important the consistency is.
If he doesn't let you do
If he doesn't let you do things your way, he doesn't get to have you take over all of the parenting.
Honestly, with a new baby coming up, I would be making these changes for my own biological son who is 19 months and co-sleeps. I am 100% onboard with cosleeping and waiting until they are ready. Hell, I get up and stay awake keeping him happy when he's up from 2am - 5am on the odd night. BUT if I were pregnant? I'd be figuring something out - and this is my biochild. My stepkid? HELL NO I wouldn't be getting up with my stepkid while I was pregnant/had a newborn. Nope. No way in hell.
Your husband needs to take over absolutely everything until he's ready to go by your rules if you're the one primarily raising her the 6 months she's with you. That is way too much for a stepparent to deal with. It sounds miserable. And when your baby comes, you are going to feel a lot of resentment when you're already exhausted and overwhelmed with a newborn and you have this 3 year old on top of it.
I actually needed to hear
I actually needed to hear this. I feel like it’s my responsibility because she has not been disciplined and I know my partner doesn’t know how to do it and he fears she is becoming sad as a result. Last night he slept on her floor from 12am to 5am. By the time she fell asleep it was time for him to get ready for work. I just didn’t have it in me to lay on her floor all night and as we get closer to my due date I am becoming more nervous because it’s already so difficult. She comes into our room in the middle of the night screaming and if I let her sleep with us she is constantly kicking me in the stomach (go figure). I just don’t know how to get across how important it is to at least get her sleeping under control. I know if i don’t, nobody will.
Your DH needs to find himself
Your DH needs to find himself a babysitter. You WORK from home - how on earth can you be expected to do that with a smell child to take care of? His child is NOT your responsibility. How's he going to like it when your earnings crash because you can't do your job right?
I have a 3.5 yr old daughter
and alot of those issues are perfectly normal at that age. They are distracted easily, limited attention span, everything distracts them, they are fighting for their independence and will have temper tantrums, potty training isn’t an automatic thing at age 3. Some can take till just before age 4 when ready and most tend to be able to learn to potty train from 3 onwards but this can take months as the muscles that control their bladder tends to function better at this age where they can hold it in till morning or for longer or they tend to have better control of these muscles.
alot of your expectations of this 3yr old are unrealistic. My 3.5yr olr is yet to be potty trained. She only as of 2 nights ago went to bed and never wet her diaper...you’re expecting she is potty trained like a 6-7 yr old and behaves more mature and thats not gonna happen with a 3 yr old
I know! I just really need
I know! I just really need tips on how to curb them. I’ve tried everything. I don’t expect her to act grown just want to help her. I worry she isn’t eating enough and quite honestly the constant crying is driving me nuts. I’ve babysat before for 10+ years and never have i had a child who cries at just about everything. She is not the best communicator and will cry for hours until I decipher what all she wants.
We only get her for 6 months
If this is the first time she has seen you in six months, you are basically strangers to her. She is only three. Three year olds do not process long distance relationships well. DH and you need to rebuild a relationship with her. You need to realize that while establishing routines are good, routines take time to establish.
Picky eating is the bane of many parents of young children. Go to a library group or the playground and talk to some mothers of similar age children. You'll find this child is not unique. Perhaps they can offer you strategies to deal with this. If the picky eating is severe, the pediatrician can refer you to a feeding clinic.
Great job on the tv. But, is she getting enough sleep? Is she still napping? If she is not, she may need to go to bed earlier as she should be getting 10 to 12 hours per day. Sleep deprived children are not happy children.
DH and you might benefit from some counseling. If DH is fine with no schedule, he needs to be the one who is up with her until 2am. DH needs to step up and realize he is a full time parent for his time with her.
Your DH is letting a 3 year old dictate her own schedule
and make decisions like an adult which I think is insane. While sure, there will be nights someone has to get up because she woke up or you may have to go in her room a couple times to tell her its bed time, etc. staying up until 2 am is ridiculous. Young children need their sleep and lots of it. My bf puts the 4 and 2 year old down for bed by 7 pm most week nights, during the weekend tends to be more 7:15 - 7:30 or closer to 8 if we were out doing things. Having a rountine is extremely important with young children especially when changing homes.
I agree with everyone else, if your DH disagrees with your parentings, then let him do it all.
Since I work from home I also
Since I work from home I also watch her.
I'm not an advocate for watching children while working from home, this is stressful to begin with and you're also pregnant so why add more to your full plate? Did you volunteer to watch SD while you work from home?
I’ve started a schedule and try to stick to it but my partner hasn’t been the most helpful.
If he has issues with sticking to your schedule than he needs to find a babysitter. He can't dictate what she should do if you're the one with her ALL day.
There have been nights where she stays up until 2AM and I’m the one stuck laying on the floor next to her bed until she falls asleep
Why are you parenting this child more than her own father?
You both have to be on the same page and a serious talk has to be had if he wants you to continue watching his daughter and you're not allowed to have consistency and a schedule in her life. Perhaps suggesting a babysitter will change his tune very quickly.
I really do appreciate all of
I really do appreciate all of these responses. It’s been really hard for me the last couple of days and I’m exhausted. All of the feedback is helpful.