my step daughter
I dont know quite how to put this without sounding like an ogre. I am 21 years old and my girlfriend is 28. she has a 9 year old daughter who she has raised on her own for the past 3 years with no help what so ever. I have been dating her for the past 8 months and most of the time things are great. i moved in with her quite quickly and it all went down hill from there. Her 9 year old lives with her and I and she makes life HELL. every day is groundhogs day. every last thing she does annoys me. she does not flush the toilet, cant eat properly, cannot do anything off of her own initiative and NEEDS to be shouted at to get anything done. She will not even look after her own personal hygiene. She has to reminded daily to change underwear, the best way i can describe it is that it is like looking after a child with disabilities which sounds harsh, but it does feel that way. To make matters worse I hate her whole personality. She is not cheeky in the usual sense, but she is crafty but plays dumb, i can see through her whole act and i think that annoys her. I have little or no bond with her and cant make myself hug her or even play with her because it feels awkward. The whole mood in the room changes when she walks in. I try to let things wash over me about her behaviour but her mother cannot. It really does seem like she wants to be yelled at, i know that sounds silly but there is no other explanation for it. and when this happens it leaves everyone in a bad mood and i think it is starting to leave me depressed. i would love to just get up and go because i know i am young and have the world a t my feet but i love my girlfriend. im sorry abut the venting but i needed to tell this to someone and get it off my chest. i hope there ae some wiser people than me on here that can help me and tell me what to do to get things the way they should be. thanks for listening.
Let me understand this - You
Let me understand this - You are 21 years old trying to help raise a 9 year old child? You should be in school having fun or at the very least figuring out your own life. Not raising a child this age. Are you sure this is the life you want? Because you are so young and have no experience with a child, she may be doing normal 9 year old stuff. It is the tween years and they are obnoxious in a normal situation. She will probably not take you seriously as a father role, because of the age issue and not being married. So my suggestion if you want to stay in this relationship, is to disengage from her. You don't do anything with the child. You are not mean, you just are not responsible for her. There are essays on disengaging stepparents that may help you.
Also, from what you have written, it sounds like BM (your GF) may not be that great of a mom, sounds like she doesn't want to be one if the girl annoys her so much. If that is the case, I feel sorry for the child. BM will never be an effective parent and you will be fighting an uphill battle for 9 more years.
But, honestly I would seriously re-think this situation because it sounds like it will be very difficult for many years.
Dear Dad at 21 - please get
Dear Dad at 21 - please get out of this situation. You are way too young to deal with this!!! There are so many girls without children looking for a nice guy like yourself.
Go out to a club - dance with all the girls!! Once you are in a family situation all of that is over for you. DON'T throw away your freedom before you even experience it honey!!
You feel bad because this is a bad situation for you, it is unhealthy for you and a dead end road. Do not waste your youth 'pissing up a tree' my dear.
If you love your partner and
If you love your partner and want to carry on trying, rather than throwing in the towel just yet, I would strongly recommend either disengaging - There is info on it: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html or maybe looking together at alternative parenting techniques.
When you say you let things wash over you but her mother cannot - I take it to mean that the mother responds by yelling or something - maybe it would actually help her to mug up on some "Supernanny" type techniques - we have a TV programme in the UK by this name and there are books and DVDs available on Amazon website. Nobody really "needs" to get shouted at - I think your partner may be a bit off course with her parenting techniques and these resources are useful guidance to get things going in a more positive direction.
thans to everyone for your
thans to everyone for your responses, they are all very appreciated. I feel that i am in a very difficult situation. I do love my girlfriend and want the best fr her , even at this moment i am baby siting while she is working. i plan to go back to school in september and i do not know how things will work because i will be in school 4 days a week with no income. i dont want to feel like an extra burden for my girlfriend but at the same time she does need my support because she does, i fel, suffer with depression. i know in the past she has attempted suicide, and this scares me to death that if i do leave what she may do. writing this it does soud like my gf is unstable but she isnt. I just do not have a great way with words lol. i would love to be able to be my step daughters friend but we are literally like oil and water, i know im the adult and shoud be able to get past this but all i can do is bite my tongue because she makes the simplest of things so difficult CONSTANTLY. and when i say constantly i mean it everything she does and it is not an over statement. when i talk like this about someone especially a child i feel awful but i dont know what to do. I have so much going through my head i really do find it difficult making decisions sometimes. I will try to sit down and talk with my gf about this but i thik i have to word it properly so i dont sound like an ogre. I will also try to write a clear description of what the situation is like and post it here so you have a crystal clear view of what is going on, i will try my best not to be one sided. Thanks to everyone who has read again, this feels great to have a bit of support and to know that im doing the right thing to move forward. Thanks again.
Like your GF, I suffer from
Like your GF, I suffer from depression, but it is manageable, and I do not by any means consider myself unstable. My step daughters' mother, well, that's a different matter. No mental illness but VERY unstable!
I am sure that despite your GF's illness, she would not wish you to be with her if you do not want to be - no-one does really, and it is unless she has threatened suicide if you leave, do not assume that would be her response. Depression is not always linked to outside events, and she might cope quite adequately if you left. You do not sound like an ogre in the slightest, but a caring young man who wants to do the best thing for everyone.
I see that this was posted
I see that this was posted over a month ago, but if the OP sees this, or anyone else who might be in a similar situation, here's my 2 cents. My SD had similar behaviors. And it drove me nuts. I always *knew* there was something wrong with her, and still believe she also had asperger's. There is normal, and then there is "just not right," and then there is diagnosed asperger's. I suggest doing some research on typical behaviors for children with asperger's. If you realize that your expectations might be too high, it might be easier to deal with her by lowering your expectations. The difficult part about asperger's is that these children are usually highly intelligent. So we don't understand why we can't teach them how to behave. I worked with a student for a full year who had numerous issues, but there was always something to find lovable about him even though he drove everyone crazy. You need to look for those little things. The rest of what's going on...the age difference, the living together, the going back to school, the having no income... You are in a mess. I hope you two really love each other because you are stacking up everything you possibly can against the relationship. Good luck!
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