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My partner treats me bad in front of his kids

LindyLinda's picture

Submitted by LindyLinda on Sun, 11/01/2020 - 7:01am

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Parenting Issues

Hi

I am glad i found this forum, i have so much to share things that I couldn't say to anybody, afraid of being judged or misunderstood.

My current husband (6 years together) has 4 kids from previous marriages, the biggest being 14 years old. First year he didn't let me meet his kids cause he was afraid they will be jealous of me. After we met we had a great start to our relationship, but this quickly became unbearable. He treats me very badly in front of his kids, not sure why but he thinks it is normal, most probably cause he wants to make them feel special and afraid they will be jealous of me. He shouts at me, won't allow me to speak much with the kids, he expects me to always spoil them or let them do whatever they want, he always orders me to serve them and allows them to be rude to me, and this gets worse day by day. We had a great start but their mums hate our relationship and triggered the kids against us with the hope that we will separate, so they really enjoy it when they tease me and I can't answer back.  They come to our houses only on weekends and my husband thinks that they should do whatever they want cause they come only the weekend.  I was hoping we will co-parent and have a great united family. I also have a child from my previous marriage and consider him as a co-parent even if he doesn't really get involved, but I don't mind, I never expected from me.

I feel sad and depressed whenever the kids are here and I don't have anyone with who to speak about this. What should I do? I feel like I can't take this anymore.

 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 11/01/2020 - 8:39am

First time he did that, I'd have a talk with him. Second time, I'd start making plans to move out.  Don't allow this any longer.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Sun, 11/01/2020 - 9:03am

Please don't take offense at us being direct but you are being abused.  This isn't normal.  You should look into therapy to understand why you are making your requirements from the relatioship so small that you put up with this.  I don't think it will help with mending your current relationship but it might help you fix your picker before you start another one.

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Sun, 11/01/2020 - 9:05am

Who cares what reason he's using to do this. From what I've seen every time a parent uses the excuse "it's for the kids" to do something sh*tty it's because they think they have a trump card and it means you can't fight it.

Being a parent is not a free pass to treat people bad. So who cares why, you don't need to look at some big picture here. He is being nasty to you for no reason. Is this how you want to live your life? Even if he's sweet to you when the kids aren't around you know his true colors and the meanness just below the surface. 

This is why he's got at least 2 ex wives.

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Sun, 11/01/2020 - 9:51am

Basically you rank so low in the household that he has to go out of his way to show how mean he is to you on the off chance one of the kids would be upset if he shows you any love in front of them? Idk how many BMs he has but i can see why his relationships never last. Do not become BM 3 or 4 or whatever number he is on! You can look forward to a lifetime of abuse by him, his 4 kids, and however many BMs he has bred with. Run!!!

LindyLinda's picture

Submitted by LindyLinda on Mon, 11/02/2020 - 3:39am

Hi Guys thank you for the reply. Yes, I know it is abuse. He is a great partner 5 days from 7 as soon as his kids arrive to our house. Although it has passed that amount of time since we are together this "mean" face of him might be his real face. 

You are all right really, for some personal reasons it is difficult to leave but I really would like to. Especially now that other people also think that this is abuse. I was afraid that I don't understand his reasons, and that this is normal somehow. I have these "mood swings" that after a weekend with the kids I am destroyed but than the week starts and he is back to being nice and carrying and than I say to myself "oh it is ok". But as a divorced parent I know it is not ok. Although he is not really parenting my child, I always showed my child that he has to respect him, that he is my partner and if sometimes I don't agree with what he says than I discuss with him in private and don't show my anger in front of my child cause that would be a way to show my child that it is ok to behave that way. I had this dream of a beautiful big family and it is all shattered.

Unfortunately I can't afford therapy, I would love to go and "fix" myself Smile

Thank you all, I just needed the reassurance that this situation is wrong, and I shouldn't let it to destroy me.

 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Mon, 11/02/2020 - 3:49am

Don't you have National Health Care in Greece?

Saying he's a good partner 5 out of 7 days a week is like saying he only punches you in the face once a week. It's not meaningful. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 11/02/2020 - 5:37pm

The reasons for abuse don't matter. It is the abuse that matters.  End of story.

I would suggest that you also would do yourself a favor by redefining greatness in a partner.  A partner who sucks and is abusive 2 days a week is just a shitty partner. Period. He is not great at all, much less being great for 5 days out of 7.

Greatness is greatness. It requires no qualification beyond that. Conversely, abusive is abusive. It does not require qualification beyond that.

Be good to you.

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Mon, 11/02/2020 - 8:40am

Only bad things can come from this.  What happens if SS moves in ??  It will be like this 24/7/365.  That no way to live. 
Please. Find someone to help you