Help with SD3
Hello, I'm turning to you for help and support. My DH and I married last November. I have 3 children, ages 5-10 (current ages), and he has a daughter age 3(current age).
At first, I treated her the same as I treat my children. I am a mother that teaches independence - I want them to feed, dress, bathroom, etc., by themselves. I honestly don't have the capacity to hold everyone's hand constantly. SD was sorely lacking in this department. BM doesn't work (another forum discussion) and SD was used to be alone with DH. So, my mission began with toilet training her, teaching her how to dress, creating a seating schedule so that all the kids rotated around the table and having the opportunity to sit next to everyone - therefore SD wasn't sitting next to DH every night and he wasn't feeding her. DH was on board.
But, about 3 months ago, BM started sabatoging efforts to integrate our family. And I think that DH is allowing it a little because he hates conflict. The problem is, by not dealing with it, conflict is being created. And I am beginning to resent SD.
BM barters time with SD for something BM wants and to keep control. And DH usually allows this because he wants extra time with SD. And SD is used to getting her way she throws attention tantrums and DH gives in - all things that I don't allow my children or Ex to do because I beleive it's bad harmony!
I know that part of SD's behavior is age related, and certainly situation dependent, but how do I keep progressing her forward and not project my disdain for her BM onto her when she exhibits behaviors that are clearly directed and influenced by BM and unacceptable in a larger family?
To the first point, I am not
To the first point, I am not the mom, and I do accept that. I guess I didn't explain that, from my point of view, I do need to integrate our family in our household because we absolutely cannot have different rules or boundaries with different children simply because they have different parents and households for half the week. In my opinion, that wouldn't be fair to the children.
Thanks, I will do that.
Thanks, I will do that.
Thoughts on how to work with my SD? I just keep seeing traits that I associate with her BM, and not so many traits that I can associate with DH. Which is why I think that my disdain is growing for her. It's not fair to SD, and I need help working on this!
And the sabatoging comes in sly forms like: BM promising SD that daddy is going to buy her something and then instructing DH to do it, sending toys with SD (which get put up because we so many kids in the house we can't keep track of toys that need to be returned), sending SD with candy or treats just for her and not the other kids (then we have to confinscate so all is fair), telling SD to have daddy call her when daddy is working so she can come and get her (daddy works from home, so why would he do that? it's his time with her), etc.