First Time Step-Parent. Am I wrong?
Okay, so here's the whole story. I've known my now husband for three years before we even started dating. He was previously married, and has a son out of that marriage. He's an almost 4 year old named Terry. I first met Terry after we had been together for about a month, and it was a little uncomfortable because I haven't been around a whole lot of children in my life, but I grew to love him as if he were my own child, which is sometimes really hard to do. He's a good little boy, but something's off.
I understand that it's difficult growing up for a child when they're parents aren't together anymore. And I'm sure it's really hard on my SS because he's never at one place. The schedule is... We'll have him at our house one weekend and bring him back to be with the BM on the following Monday, and then we usually have him Tuesday and Wednesday or Wednesday and Thursday and take him back and she has him for the next weekend, and then sometimes in between, we have him almost a full week.
Okay, so let's start off with all of my BM problems.
1. Every single time she can't get Terry to listen or he whines or anything... she calls my husband and it really ticks me off because she has three other children. It makes me wonder what she does when she has a problem with them.
2. She doesn't discipline Terry, she makes her boyfriend do it.
3. Where he goes to Preschool is HER decision, when my husband had already enrolled him in a Preschool right down the road, so we had to change our plans.
4. We always have to drop him off or pick him up at her house. I've only seen her come and get him one time, and that's because she was already in the area. Does anyone understand how much gas that is a week?
5. She has 7 people living in a two bedroom house.
6. She always thinks that if things aren't her way (such as the Preschool thing), she'll lose food stamps and any other help she gets on Terry, when she doesn't have him or feed him nearly as much as we do anyway.
Now here's my problems with Terry...
1. He WILL NOT listen to me. It doesn't matter what I do, he says "No" or does what I tell him not to do, especially when I'm watching him by myself.
2. He wets himself every night, yet my husband lets him sleep on the couch every single night so he can watch cartoons until midnight or 1AM, which I would never let my child do. It ends up making our couch smell like urine and I can't stand having to go to my bedroom early. And I've already talked to my husband about this, by the way.
3. Terry's addicted to video and computer games. He asks to play games over 20 times a day, and every single time I'm on the computer he comes in here and tells me to get off because he "NEEDS" to play games.
4. Terry has no respect for women. Since he doesn't respect his mom, he doesn't respect me.
5. He's addicted to PopTarts. We usually cut him off from food after a certain time, and we woke up in the middle of the night a few nights ago and he had gotten up, gotten a chair and pushed it up against the counter, climbed up the chair and onto the counter and gotten poptarts. My husband told him that he was only telling him once not to do it, but he did it the next day and got a spanking. Then... he did it again and just got told not to do it again... then got to play video games 5 minutes later. That, in my opinion, doesn't make him think he did anything wrong.
I just don't know what to do. I love my step son so much, but I'm to the point where I don't want to be here sometimes. Is that wrong? Am I wrong?
How do I deal with these issues?
First off, it doesn't matter
First off, it doesn't matter if you are a BM or SM, you have to set rules that you and DH agree upon. From this comes discipline which "Terry" needs. It also provides stability for you guys and the child. Getting the BM to comply is a whole other issue but you can't control other people so at least your SS will learn that at your house it is these rules. It teaches him that everyone has a space to be treated with respect.
Is he at that age where you can do the "how would you like it if I did it to you?" phase?
Second, for your sake and DH, you have to establish these rules because it is good for you guys. This way you are demonstrating respect for Each Other.
Thirdly, do NOT feel like a bad parent because you are providing "structure." Good parents are generally ones who parent from their heart
and have a genuine concern for the child.
Remember, just because you didn't give birth to him does not mean you have to be treated like garbage. Make it clear, and I mean stick to your guns, that you won't tolerate the disrespect. If he is rude, use a deterrent. If he ignores you, buy one of those canned air horns and that should get his attention. And the best one, make him EARN the video game privileges.
You are not wrong given that
You are not wrong given that you have the kid's best interest in mind. The fact that you are looking for advice itself shows that you care.
~~About the fact that you dont want him in the house sometimes... what can I say....? We all have felt at some point that things would have been better/easier without Skids around. Its nothing to brag about, but its true. ~~
If you have your husband on board setting rules in the house is not going to be difficult. Start with very simple things and stick to them. Create a daily routine for Terry's activities. Have a certain bedtime and one hour before turn off the tv, turn off the music, put him in the shower and have him brush his teeth (this is just an example - something that we are trying to do with our 5yo).
The bedtime routine will help him relax and day by day you will see that it will be easier for him to go to sleep on time.
About the pop tarts... No other way out but stop buying them for a while. Tell him they didnt have them at the store and offer a strudel or an apple pie instead.
What theotherMOM said about video games is perfect.reward him with 30 mins of video games every time he does something you wanted. That will teach him to appreciate what he has and motivate him to follow the rules.
here is an article about potty training
http://www.babyzone.com/baby_toddler_preschooler_health/sleep_young_chil...
What you didnt mention tho is what your DH says about all these..
I totally understand the
I totally understand the video addiction! I really worry for kids these days. Not many actually play & use their imaginations, they have to be spoon-fed entertainment every minute of the day! Drives me crazy. My ss9 is way addicted. We went camping for a week. He did quite well but DH gave in & let him play games on his cell phone after we agreed it was supposed to be a technology-free vacation.![Sad](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/sad.gif)