(for safety of my family i have changed the names)

Today is one of those days where I feel the strain of being a step parent! I feel like one of those evil step mothers, wanting to control the unruly child. The role of being a parent figure, with no real say over how it's done is a strain. I was fortunate enough growing up, to have two lovely step mothers, I never saw them as the evil step mothers portrayed in story books. 

You see the difference between parenting and being a step mum, is i dont have the freedom to change things without my partners concent. it the part element. one rule at ours, and another at home. In my opinion Laura is babyfied half the time, and then allowed to act like a teenager the rest of the time. One min she is asking for Paul to wipe her bum, the next she is sat putting on her own make-up and heels for party's? I struggle to take a back seat, when I have a very different view on parenting. Especially since I'm reminded I'm not her mum by Paul, and his attitude of "my way or highway"

I know that probably makes me sound awful, but here I aim to be truthful and unedited. I'm sure many have felt the same, and that I am not the only one. its not the kind of thing you go around shouting, "Hi I'm a step mum with no kids of my own, but I think I know best." The truth is being oldest of 7, of have plenty of experience in helping take care of kids. I'm also a big fan of supernanny, so I'm armed with lots of ideas. 

For example I believe that kids need structure, routine, and consistency - things I lacked growing up. I'm not talking about stopping kids being kids, I'm talking helping kids learn to self care. Which takes me back to babying Laura. She was 3 the first time I met her. She was the apple in daddy's eye and for an easy life Paul let her get away with things for an easy life, just like many weekend dads. He didn't want to upset her, or have to be the first of parents to implement more rules. She was 4 1/2 when we got together, and naturally the single dad and daughter unit changed. 

To help us all have a guidelines we set some house rules a while ago, and they seem to have helped. We still struggle with meal times though. Up until this year Laura has been given pudding after lunch and dinner, resulting in her being quite overweight. She would say she was full from dinner, and still be given pudding?? We said pudding would only be given after dinner is finished. The idea being that if she is too full for healthy food, then she is too full for pudding. Tonight she said she was full, and I reminded her of this rule. Paul reluctantly went along with it, and as soon as I took a call they both nipped into the kitchen. I know she hadn't finished, and yet Paul was trying to sneak her pudding!? This completely undermines me, and turns me into bad cop. If he sends her the message to ignore what I say, and lye I can't really blame her when she does. Of course he tells me it's no big deal and lies to me in front of her. I'm furious, but what can I do? Ultimately It's not my choice how to bring her up, or my responsibility. I just believe we need to be a team, or she ends up playing up around me, and of course he never sees it. He's resistance to be consistent results in her inconsistency, and then she gets told off! 

The first problem was sharing a bed. Until she was 5 it was excepted that she would climb into bed with us during the night. Paul suggested to Laura's mum that we all start changing it, but were greeted by a unpleasant response. This unwillingness to work as a team to set consistent boundaries has made things hard. It means Laura gets one rule at ours, and another at home. We have now tackled the issue of sleeping through the night, despite the lack of support. The next was bed time...you see Laura had never been left alone to fall asleep!!! Instead someone had to stay in there until she was asleep. Now she is 6 3/4 we have reduced it to staying in silently for 2mins after story time. The problem is getting Paul to just stick to that, and reduce it down. I think it's important for a child to be able to self sooth at bedtime. For example now when Laura wakes needing the toilet at night, she takes herself back to bed

The next area that really grinds me is toilet training. Laura still regularly wets herself, and nothing seems to be done about it. Infant she will quite happily stay in wet knickers, which has been known to cause a rash. She only ever wets during the day, and has never been known to wet at night. Kids these days have so many distractions, and I'm sure it's the desire to not miss something that causes the accidents. We know when she needs the loo, it's the shifting and rocking that gives it away lol. But Laura never likes to miss anything, or go to the loo just to be sure, I'm sure she is just in too much of a hurry to play or watch tv or what ever it may be.  I think that is often why she has daytime accidents, because she doesn't want to stop to go. so she holds it and then all of a sudden she realises she needs to go and then there is not enough time and often its too late..... Before every journey we ask her to go, and she often cries saying she doesn't need the loo. As soon as the crocodile tears begin, I'm often asked by Paul to leave it. Yet often she needs it while we are in the middle of nowhere, and we are stuffed. Once at longleaf safari she told us she was busting (max 5min warning ), while we were driving through the big cats bit. We had to skip it and jump out at the maintenance hut between security gates before she wet herself. so as a result of being told to leave it and not getting her to go, we missed out on the big cats kids have accidents and I get that, which is why I believe it's important to encourage them to go regularly to prevent it. I just believe its important to teach children to the basics of self care as early as possible. I'm 25 and I still go the toilet before long journeys, just to be safe lol.

I also don't think it's unreasonable for a child to be expected to go to the toilet alone, and wipe themselves after a poo. I think if a child can reach their bottom, at her age they should be wiping. they will probably make a mess at the start, but that's how you learn. We have only just started to tell Laura that we won't help anymore, but are happy to talk her it through. The response is many tears, and her voicing her fears that she will leave skid marks. I feel for her with that, but its better than kids finding out she still needs help going to the toilet. Tears are the usual response to being asked to do something alone tho, so its hard to know when to adhere to it, and when to ignore it. Tonight we had tears over asking her to get changed for bed. She is a good girl who normally does this, but when wearing tighter clothes she gets impatient. Today we had an arms flaling, feet stomping tantrum. When faced with being told 'no' she does not like it. Not surprising since most humans like to have their own way, for gods sake here I am having a tantrum through words lol. Where else can I share it though? If I share it with Paul it's ignored, none of my friends are step parents and most arn't parents at all.

We have talked about having kids together and I fear this may be the sign of things to come? Paul has promised me it will be different when we have them, as we would have the kids 100% of the time, rather than having to also deal with the difference in household parenting. I keep explaining that we need to get on the same page now, or his daughter will prob feel pushed out if I change all rules once my bio kids arrive. I strongly believe in treating her like my own, and setting the same standards as I would my own. I often cry in fear that if this doesnt work now, will it ever? Our relationship is wonderful, and this seems to be the only thing that causes conflict. Its a work in progress i guess, but i do wonder if i can hack it long term. So I plan to share it here, in hope that another step parents may read this and smile in identification feedback is most welcome,