DSD9 has mild autism (supposedly). Her occupational therapist isn't entirely sure, but they're still figuring out some kind of new diagnosis. Anyway, intellectually she's right where she should be, reads, writes and does math at a third grade level. I'm not even pretending to be a child psychologist, teacher, etc. but there are times if I wonder if she's not just acting out to get her way. Everyone has assumed she's autistic her whole life as well as every other alphabet soup diagnosis imaginable at different times, according to different "experts." But there are times when she doesn't get her way that she practically regresses to an infant. She acts like she doesn't know how to feed herself, bathe herself, tie her shoes or dress herself. So people do it for her.

My DH and I are currently separated and until I move to be with him next month, she's staying with his sister. We're on a group Skype call just now and I guess she had a bad night because she wanted hot dogs for dinner but that just wasn't on the menu. She threw a huge tantrum, and gets put in the corner. Later on, and I watch her aunt floss her teeth for her because "she doesn't remember how." Her aunt told her to several times, and after lots of whining, just did it for her. See, I know she knows how to do this stuff, there are just times she won't and everyone seems to handle her with kid gloves because of all of these dianoses that are up in the air. Her mom always babied her to death, and now her aunt does, all because "well, she's autistic, what are you going to do?"

After she got off Skype with us, I flat out told my DH that I wasn't going to perform hygiene on a soon-to-be 10 year old, autistic or not. It would be a little different if she had a physical handicap and COULDN'T do it, but I know she knows how. She just chooses when she wants to and when it comes to performing any kind of TASK, she gets a free pass because of her disabilities. Now, she does get disciplined (usually put in the corner or loses privileges) for bad behavior like hitting her cousins or talking back and she car, but no one says anything to her when it comes to self-care. Like, it's not being bratty or defiant for her to act like she can't brush or floss her teeth because she has some unknown combination of autism, ADD, ODD, SAD, RAD, whatever.

But the problem is, I wouldn't know how to handle it. I wouldn't want her going to sleep without brushing and flossing, but I think doing it for her when she's had a bad day isn't the answer either. And obviously I can't send her to school without clothes because "she can't remember how to put them on" after having a tantrum over what cereal to eat for breakfast. I'm truly at a loss. Is it just one of those "pick your battles" type scenarios?