i understand your frustration, as i could have written this word for word. my ss18 is the exact same way....played video games in the basement for hours, skipped school, the air of arrogance, never had a job or did any chores around the house, and dh saying that "i was just mad because i didnt get my way" when i suggested different ways of parenting that they ignored.

it IS frustrating beyond compare. but the bottom line is that you cant do much about it, if your dh is unwilling to budge. look up blogs on disengaging on here. pull back and stop doing things and worrying for this kid. it is your dh's responsibility and HE is the one who has to make changes, if any are going to be made. try it. see how it goes and then think about if you can do this for the next couple of years.

pumkin you described my son and I know he has aspergers. I have just made it a point to let him know he has to work harder at being 'normal'. He may also be depressed, my son was when he was younger b/c of the lack of friends. I refuse to give him a pass he is expected to act like the other kids. Given the chance with everyone supporting him to be 'normal' he will thrive. My son is brilliant but he can't write to save his life. He does everything on the computer. He may just need a little adjustments like that to help unlock things in him he never knew he had. But the one thing that his key is for everyone to acknowledge he may have to do certain things in a different way to achieve his goals.

I put my son on antidepressants and once he got over that hump I took him off of them. He doing wonderfully now but you HAVE to push, push, push as hard as you can everyday til he gets used to change. Here is an example my son was flunking some classes and it took me and several of his teachers to MAKE him go to torturing and that took us several weeks but once he started going he got it that he had to do it to get the grades and when he saw his grades he was beaming.

Your ss may not even realize that he can do better and with a child that has this they have to be pushed into things and most of the time they love it. If you have any questions ask me. And btw I do not have my son on meds. We choose that route b/c it was way more trouble to make him take them then to come up with different ways to help him achieve what he needs to. these kids do not like change and that may have a lot to do with why your ss is staying in his room it is something he has always done and may not know how to get out of it.

pumpkin I choose not to have my son labeled as well. They thought he was adhd but he is not hyper, they thought he add but he has other issues as well. At that point it was the school councilor and I that did our research and we talked about it. While he is not diagnosed, we started doing different things with him. I can't explain all of it like this. But the key was to recognize that my son needed to do things differently then everyone else. Such as if he forgot to brush his teeth I had him practice brushing his teeth. It boiled down to practice for my son. He had to do things over and over before he got it in his head that he had could remember to do things and to get over the change. I had him going out and doing things instead of staying in his room. I also got him in after school tutoring for his grades. once he was accomplishing things on his own with no help he started to try other things.

Does he have a passion for anything other than video games? I ask b/c my son LOVES reading and loves the library, he could spend all day there. I encouraged it which led to him writing a book that he is working on getting published. It is a very good book, I couldn't put it down. He also loves computers so I put him in a program that he will get a certificate saying he certified to work on computers when he graduates. He LOVES it.

That helped my son to know that there is something that he is good at.

Maybe you need to find something that he loves and enjoys doing and put him something that he has a goal at the end but not a long one. They need to see the end and progress. They don't really see the big picture.

Your ss may be very reluctant to start anything but if it is something he likes to do after a while he just might really enjoy it. As I said my son fought me at first but after a while he tells me that he feels great about his grades and stuff now. In fact he still goes to tutoring to help the otehr kids.

On a different note here...

My ss10 was given an aspers diagnosis but they went back on it and he actually had reactive attachment disorder - its worth looking up...

Tommy, one problem I have noticed with kids having speech/grammar problems (saying "her got the ball") is because NOBODY EVERY CORRECTS THEM!!!! It drives me NUTS. People don't have conversations with their kids and then when they hear them mis-use words they figure it will get fixed at school. Learning disabilities would be found all the time if people would try to teach their own kids. If you tell a kid something 1000 times and they still don't get it, there's a problem. But if you don't even bother, you will never know...Kids of divorce are especially in danger of falling through the cracks.

This sound familiar. I live with my partner who has two stepchildren, who are very different from my children or any normal children. I discovered that my partner had aspergers and his children have a lot of problems too. It often runs in families. There is a big change that your partner has it too. They do not like change, can have real problems socialising and are ALWAYS right which is the biggest thing. My partner always decribes it as looking through a letterbox. He does not see the world or issues from different angles but only from his own. He is right and knows it all. Unfortunately fact wise he very often is, but he has real problems with judging people. My stepchildren are 16 and 11, they never go anywhere, only read watch telly or play on the computer. They only go somewhere if you initiate it and they have no EMPATHY which is the biggest problem. I found I have to stick at issues with my partner, just simple things like having the xmas tree on a different place will cause a major row but after 24 hrs he can see my point at times, he now realises that he has it, which gives him more insight and can help his children as a result, very difficult though, chip away at it gently, you can only try as you can only change yourself. If they do not want to change you can t, his father has to see it first.... Good luck.

As a mother who has a son with aspergers and mild adhd, I understand how it feels to be in a school where they are not accepted and being treated like trash and being making fun with. That why parents of children with special needs should consider sending their child to an alternative school where their needs will be met. Education is very important, we should not deprive them of it. They need to learn and be able to cope with the stress and problems in life.

ss10 is said to have Asperger.. he has many issues trying to get him help for lying stealing and burning things. any advice would be great.

If schools are contacting you daily, you need and IEP. This gets teachers, counselors, parents and maybe his pediatrician involved. My son has aspergers. Did not graduate high school. He was smart but refused to do the work and would skip school. It was a constant battle. He had maybe 1 friend. After he turned 18, he suddenly saw a purpose in school and enrolled in jr college after getting his GED. Now has an associates degree and is a sophmore at a university. Also took a professional certification course and has a decent job which is getting him through college. He supports himself. I help a little with tuition expenses. He has settled down and is set on a career path in the science fields. He figured that one out on his own. He has a girlfriend and many friends which they socialize with often. Be patient, loving and hang in there. It sounds like you care. If he has support he may figure it out on his own