What happens to the kids?
When you're unable to remove the child from the unfit, toxic mother, what happens to the kids, long term? SS's mom is textbook sociopath/psychopath, a delusional, manipulative liar, who is doing everything in her power to destroy my SO, and of course trying to use their kid to do it. She literally can't even take care of him (pawning her days of on SO's mom), she has no job and her life literally revolves around how else she can make SO miserable. It even appears that she has spoken crap to the boy's teachers (he's been in school a couple weeks!) as they no longer greet my SO.
She has brainwashed her boy (he's only 4) many times already. I've watched him as a toddler, spouting off these weird things ("Mommy misses me so much when I'm gone" "Mommy is SO SAD when I'm gone" like a robot, meanwhile she's the one choosing not to spend time with him). He has even been telling SO that he doesn't like being with him and all these other things that you just hear the adult voice in.
We have called CAS (child services in Canada) and they did nothing, despite my friend who works for them assuring me they would urgently respond! The situation is bad and I only assume they're not reacting because she ditches the boy instead of keeping him in her care.
She's currently nasty-texting SO that she's going to keep SS away from him forever (PSHHH) and all these volatile things. This house is the only house where he has stability, routine and rules.
Anyways, who has watched a young child grow under that manipulation and what was the outcome? I'm super curious about what to expect. I'd like to think he'll grow and see what is what with his own eyes, but growing up from such a young age with a mother being the Rasputin in his ear...I fear for what the future holds for him.
Not good unfortunately. Even
Not good unfortunately. Even back in the dark ages when I was a young child in the 50s a toxic mother most often destroyed a child's life. A few exceptions - but few and far between.
DH needs to be saving the
DH needs to be saving the texts from BM and getting those to the CAS investigator. Document, document, document.... and document some more. Keep a rolled up copy of the Custody/Visitation/Support CO handy to beat the snot out of BM with (figuratively of course) any time she so much as twitches out of compliance with the CO.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Keep the child informed of the CO and any and all activities relating to the CO or BM's crap in an age appropriate manner as he gets older. We started this when SS was bout 8yo though we did upon occasion correct or counter obvious manipulations by the SpermClan when SS was younger if the situation warranted.
If his dad does not man up, step up, demonstrate a confident example of a man and a father by doing anything and everything legally at his disposal to protect the best interests of his son then the kid will likely struggle his entire life with the manipulations of his toxic womb donor. The same applies if a sperm donor is the toxic and unreasonable one in a blended family opposition situation.
Your SS is not just HER son. More importantly your SS is YOUR son and your DH's son. Never forget that.
It took a few years for us to completely develop the structure we used to keep the toxic blended family opposition pummeled into submission in order to protect my SS from the manipulations of the toothless shallow and polluted half of his gene pool. Our struggle with the toxic opposition began when we began dating when my SS was 15mos old. My wife had been battling their manipulative crap by herself for a year prior to that. We married the week after he turned 2yo and were in court pumelling the SpermClan a week after that. For the next 16 years we used every legal, financial, and social tool we could get hold of to keep their toxic influence on SS minimized. Though we were not entirely successful from insulating SS and our family from their toxic crap we did provide him with a strong example as responsible adults, parents, and professionals. It was our counter example to the toxic toothless spermclan's manipulative redneck crap that ultimately won the day. As he progressed into his preteens and teens under a Custody/Visitation/Support order his own sense of right and wrong with our support allowed him to protect himself from their crap during SpermLand visitation periods. His entire childhood he was protected by his mom and I as much as possible from the toxic opposition. As he got older, we exposed him to more and more information on their crap, their entanglements with law enforcement, tax dodging, etc, etc, etc.....
He is now 25, has been an dependent self supporting viable adult since he aged out from under the CO and no longer was forced to be exposed to the toxic manipulations of the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool. He is fully equipped to detect and protect himself from their crap though they do attempt to manipulate him out of money periodically. To no avail.
For kids that are abandoned to the toxic manipulations of a PASing parent the outcome is not likely to be a good one for anyone in the situation but most certainly not for the kid.
Your SS needs to see his dad dealing with the toxic BM with a firm hand with his best interests at the forefront. Your DH needs to assure his son that he is loved by his dad and by you and that his mom is not going to be allowed to be nasty and manipulative without consequence. Lather, rinse, repeat with increasingly more complete information as SS gets older.
It works, it is not necessarily pleasant but it is necessary IMHO.
And.... it can be a lot of fun beating the toxic opposition into submission (again figuratively of course). Have fun! }:)