Now What? I really Need Advice.
Long story short, things are getting out of control with ss15 and BM with bipolar disorder. DH has been told in the past by our attorney, a good attorney, that despite the issues, it would be next to impossible to get custody of ss15. Now CPS is involved and they are strongly advising DH to talk to an attorney again, which he plans to do Monday morning. They also say that if they are called one more time they will take ss15 and he will become custody of the state and handed over to DH. The problem is ss15 is adament he doesn't want to live with DH and BM parents are very, very involved. They have a strong influence over ss15 and they will pay for an attorney to fight DH, as they have in the past. BM and Grandparents are putting up all kinds of obstacles right now. DH has spent well over $20,000 on attorney fees and BM/Grandparents win every time.
So ss15 has been living more with his Grandparents than with BM - I think to keep CPS from being called again when BM gets out of control. DH desperately wants ss15 with us so that he can be in a better environment, CPS wholeheartedly agrees. However, I don't see this going well.
Anybody with experience in this kind of thing?
I'm really concerned about many things right now - everything. ss15 would be better off with us, I know, and I am concerned about the environment he lives in but I'm well aware of what this could potentially do to our marriage. Not to mention that ss15 doesn't even want to be with us. I keep thinking that all the good intentions in the world aren't going to do any good if the kid is adament he doesn't want to be with us. Am I wrong to think like this? And I'm very skeptical that DH can get custody if it goes to court yet again. I'm worried that he is constantly being dragged through this type of drama and nothing is ever solved.
I could really use some advice.
I'm assuming that your SS has
I'm assuming that your SS has a specific case worker. They could possibly be called to testify. If they are siding with your husband then that's good for you guys. Fight them in court with an attorney who believes in you, not one who thinks you don't stand a chance. Keep talking to CPS. Tell them what's going on, and keep and eye on what's going on with you SS. If you have to call CPS yourselves.
A 15 year old knows what they
A 15 year old knows what they want. Are they close by? BD should be in SS's life as much as possible (trips, conferences, clothes shopping, haircuts, man time) but if he wants to be with grandparents let him. Of course, you have to play it like you want him with you. Otherwise, DH will think you don't care. Just say, "You know he'd be better off with us, but if he won't do it...we can't force him...he'll only resent you". Take SS out to eat, go to all school events, get him a tutor if he needs it, pay for extracurriculars and new sneakers. Go to family counseling.
Do you know why SS doesn't
Do you know why SS doesn't want to live with you? At 15, they may know what they want, but they don't necessarily know what they need and what's best for them. What is the environment like at the grandparents'? Are they really looking out for the best interests of SS or themselves? It sounds like the latter. What a mess. Hopefully, if he does come to live with you, you and DH will be on the same page parenting and DH will be supportive of you. If that's the case, your marriage should be ok! You need a lot of communication and don't let things build up until you're ready to blow. Nip them in the bud. I hope things work out well for all of you!
Update: Thank you for your
Update:
Thank you for your input. It's really nice to get have your feedback and support. This is a tough situation.
Long story short, CPS closed ss15's case. They ended up saying that they can't verify neglect or abuse. The attorneys say that because ss15 is 15 and doesn't want to live with us, it would be next to impossible for DH to get him. DH was heartbroken at the outcome over all this because he was so excited at the prospect at having his son live with us. It's a sad situation.
We live in another state, DH is in the military and we won't be returning to where ss15 lives for a few more years.
ss15 seems to be doing better with his grandparents. There is definitely a more stable environment. But he won't talk with DH very much now. This is a repeating pattern: He and his mother have a crisis, ss15 turns to DH for support and then afterwards shuts DH out for weeks, months. It takes a long time for DH to get that communication back and re-establish that bond, only for the whole cycle to repeat itself.
Now I am wondering about this: DH sends child support to BM, a sizeable amount, which she lives on completely by herself. I guess there is nothing we can do about it but it just doesn't seem right. ss15 is not benefitting in any way from the child support DH sends. She lives in her own house, paid for by ss15's grandparents, and she uses her child support to pay her bills. ss15's grandparents are basically supporting ss15 at his point. DH cannot afford to send more money than he already sends in child support and it will only go to BM anyway.
Is there anything we can do about this legally? Probably not. How do you find peace with a situation like this? It's hard to watch. I hate to see DH come out on the losing end, time after time. DH is a great father, pays his child support to BM faithfully and calls ss15 regularly, even though most of the time he is ignored or treated rudely. BM gets to keep 100% of the child support and her parents are raising his son.