New to this & need some honest advice/support
I have lived with my fiancee for four months. I have a two year old son and he has two sons - 9 and 10. The biological mom is BPD and also has bouts of hearing voices, etc.
The 10 year old recently told me that his mom told him not to tell his dad about problems the 10 year old is having in school (he is being bullied) because if he does, his dad will pull him out of school. I responded by saying that he shouldn't keep secrets from either parent.
Well, BM found out, and flipped out. She accused me of being negative and said all other sorts of angry things. We got a call from the nine year old saying that they didn't want me talking badly about BM anymore. The nine year old wasn't even there during the original conversation. My fiancee originally thought I did the right thing, but is now asking me to refrain from any similar sort of response going forward - instead, I should refer the kids to him.
Now, after being at their mom's for a few days, they are being mean to me. I usually ask them about the girls they like, for example, and they always excitedly give me an update. Tonight they asked me to stop - that it's strange and that they should be focusing on their studies, not liking girls. I might as well have been talking to BM.
My fiancee is passive and while he means well, his kids' issues largely go unresolved. They have experienced crazy things with her that no kid should have to - BM kidnapped them, for example, on a spur-of-the-moment "find God" road trip where God told her she and the kids could only way Chipotle. In general, BM's behavior is incredibely destructive towards the children and they are both having major issues right now, I bet at least partially because of their whacko mom.
My fiancee is starring a new job this week and I will be watching the kids alone 2-3 days/week from here on out. These problems are brand new, and it's awful timing.
What do I do?? Think things will get worse? What sort of problems can a crazy ex do/cause?
They are not with her because
They are not with her because she doesn't want them - she has more important things to do, like hang out with her boyfriend.
I'm going to have a really hard time keeping my mouth shut when they tell me things like being instructed to keep secrets from one parent. That seems like a child molestor technique to me.
So far I haven't said much to them since they can back. They usually really like me. I keep reminding myself that they are being brainwashed. I will wait until they come around. Thanks for the suggestions.
You have to let the kids come
You have to let the kids come to you... they are asking for apace (even tho its via bm) and so you should give it to them. I went thru this with my sks (and they live here!) early on bc BM filled their head with a ton of crazy things. BM here is BPD Manic depressive, and super violent- why they live with my DH- but she still sees them on a normal visitation schedule. So my advice, is to give them the space they ask for. Continue to be there as a friend, but also state your mind. You don't need to cower in your own home. Be respectful NEVER talk bad or down about BM, ever. Most importantly you and DH need to get on the same page. If you are going to be caring for them, then he needs to let you be a person and full on adult in their lives. You can not walk on egg shells and be expected to be a good caregiver. If he doesn't give you the authority, then you shouldnt be watching them.
We do not do "right of first refusal" in our situation, bc bm is violent and has lost visits before, and lives far away. The kids spend a lot of time with me alone. There is no possible way that I could be effective in their lives if I didn't have the full power of a parent in my home. *obviously legally I do not* But in my home I do, the kids listen to me as much if not more than my DH. He has to trust that you wont be dumb and say stupid things to the kids. You are not a baby sitter, you are a parent in their lives and he needs to trust that-- or find a babysitter.
Wait a minute. What part did
Wait a minute. What part did you actually talk bad about BM? Uh yeah--you didn't.
On the gammet of sanctity in your home I'd apoligize to the boy(s), if by what you said about keeping secrets, was "accidentally" construed as an insult to their mom. Explain it was about concern for ss well being then talk about the bullying. If he's not compfortable then urge him to talk to his dad. He needs a man's perspective.
The Biomom I deal with is BPD and my mother has NPD so I smell that crap a mile away (fine tuned with years of therapy). Both types are masters of manipulating. They have some inserted alien arse-probe ability to flip the topic (usually making it about them) and divert the REAL issue at hand without you realizing it. In your case, BM's insecurities don't come close to the seriousness of what your ss is having to deal with right now. Frankly, she can't dictate what can and cannot be discussed in YOUR home and you certainly don't have to agree on everything.
Our BM has BPD. She even
Our BM has BPD. She even admitted it to us. We just had to wait her out...she alienated the kids against us, but eventually she started treating them so bad, they finally used their brains and realized she is batshit crazy. Now they refuse to have anything to do with her. Even though it was pure chaos, lies, and craziness for years, we still tried to remain the bigger people and most importantly the sane and stable people.
My only advice for you is to be careful how much you give of yourself. It's their mom and they are young and they believe what she says and you will get hurt. So guard yourself. Consider counseling. When we found out that BM choked SS for running across the street, we put both of them in counseling. They pretty much lied and covered up for their mother, but eventually they started to tell the truth.