I fear for my safety and sanity
Met DH when he was separated, not divorced yet. We've been together for over a year and are engaged to be married.
He has 2 kids (4 and 7). BM is a manipulative and horribly mean person. She makes sure to stage drama events so DH can witness it and become an emotional wreck. I swear she gets off on that. An example would be sitting on the porch while he dropped off the kids cleaning her gun, then proceeded to tell him she's putting their dog to sleep over the weekend that he has the past 13 years (she never did it but knew it would make him cry). Oh the gun thing? She said people threatened to kill the kids so that is for their protection (more lies but he believed her).
I'm sick of him believing every manipulative word that comes out of her mouth.
Recently I had a picture of the 4 of us (DH, me, 2 kids) on my facebook banner. He and I have her blocked from FB but she creates fake accounts to see what our profile pics and banner photos are (we know this because we put the same mini vacation pic of the mountains as one and she calls him screaming at him that we can drive to the mountains (for 1 afternoon) but can't see the kids more often (whenever we ask to see the kids she doesn't allow it. We have no set schedule, just when it's convenient for her). Anywho, she saw the pic and called him saying "tell your girlfriend to take down my children off the internet" and after saying "no" several times she made up a lie saying it's unsafe to have children's pics on the internet. Ok, valid point. So I make a fake FB account and shimmy over to her site and her OPENLY PUBLIC facebook page has her kids all over it. At least my FB is private. So her argument is moot. I took down the pic just to end the conversation.
In the past I sat and listened to every venomous word that came out of her as she said horrible things about her ex and made up MORE lies like he would hit her and he ran out on her, just to try and scare me off. Now I don't have any communication with her. I wish he didn't either. She doesn't let him be a father except for when the oldest acts up in school, then she asks him to yell at the kid.
We both give into her every demand. Taking days off of work to make time with the kids, give her extra money, buy necessary things for the kids (her dad buys a bike for them but no helmet...video to prove it) so we buy the "not so fun but they need it" things.
Just hoping they see what a control freak she is and choose to live with us in the future.
Sorry this was so long. My first post.
Thank you very much. BF
Thank you very much.
BF doesn't say no because every single day BM threatens him with "you'll NEVER see the kids" if he goes against anything she demands. Everyone I talk to just say no, that she won't follow through with her threats. But BF doesn't want to take that that risk.
If we don't change our plans (vacation/work/etc) then we don't get to see the kids and have to wait over a month for another chance.
I hate seeing him upset, he absolutely adores his kids and will do anything for them...and she knows it.
I feel so torn. I hate giving in to her demands and I hate seeing him depressed.
There is a court order
There is a court order written by her and her lawyer because her dad has all the money and BF has none. Basically the order states that she makes all educational, medical, and everything else decisions. The only mention of BF is that he must be the one to pick up and drop off the kids so she doesn't have to drive anywhere.
Hoping to get an amendment soon. But money
^^^^^^. This ^^^^^ Op- you
^^^^^^. This ^^^^^
Op- you need to read up on disengagement. Also, don't poke the bear. She is not worth it. If you want to post pics, then just do it within your private posts. If she still says somethin my then you have a leak.
I pulled up articles about
I pulled up articles about disengagement. Thank you very much. Sounds like something I need to do.
For sure I will not be posting any more pictures, even though it makes me feel sad.
I'm unable to have kids on my own so I may be overly embracing this family as much as I can. I understand that can be unhealthy mentally.
DH needs to drag his toxic
DH needs to drag his toxic skank of an XW back to court to get a visitation order. NOW!! That he doesn't tells me he likes being her victim.
Action ...... or in DH's case... inaction .......speaks volumes.
We've discussed amending the
We've discussed amending the CO several times (it's even been his idea). But his ex keeps threatening getting child services involved so whenever we do have the kids, there will be a 3rd party monitoring us the entire time. He's so scared that he just caves.
Believe me, I do everything I can to not be anywhere near her or have any contact with her. It's way better that way. I'm just worried how long that will last.
Be careful what you wish
Be careful what you wish for.... They are 4 and 7 which are pretty good ages in the scheme of childhood. By the time they get to have any input at all into where they live, some states 14, some at 18 when there is no longer a CO to go by.... they will likely be far less charming. That's at least 7 to 10 years before they can even have input much less make the actual choice. That's 7 to 10 years of mom's toxic behavior, bad mouthing dad, teaching them bad habits - lying, manipulating, etc- by what she shows them rubbing off on the kids. By the time they can make the choice, you may not want them.
Alternatively, if she's already unable to correct, discipline and control a 7 year old, they're not going to be growing into healthy, well behaved, respectful adolescents and subsequently adults. She may decide at 10 or 12 that she can't handle the monsters she's turned them into and dump them on your doorstep to fix. Read around, it's happened to plenty of posters and it's always a nightmare.
I agree this should be an extremely long engagement. It's been a year? You've just begun to see the crazy of BM. It seems like you haven't had to live through the court fight of a modification of visitation or child support. That is hellish - stressful, often expensive, often ramps up the BM crazy. You are seeing your guy's jellyfish response to her - is that still going to be attractive to you in 5 years or 10 when BM and the kids are telling dad they Need a car, a phone, insurance, gas, college tuition and he Has to pay or he will never see them again?
He needs to examine his options - finding a pro bono dads right lawyer, going to court pro se, or calling her bluff. But if he continues like this they won't choose to come live with him, they will be dumped on him when they are unmanageable brats or they will only call or come by when there is money or gifts attached. This is Not a good way for kids to see their dad behave. They will not respect him and I imagine that eventually you'll lose respect for him too.
Believe me, this thought has
Believe me, this thought has entered my nightmares on multiple occasions. I've even spoken to DH about it. He's just as scared and he knows the kids will be better off here, raised right in better schools surrounded people who love them and won't hit them (BM hits them but we can't get proof to use in our favor).