How To Deal With His Ex?
The reason why I chose the forum topic as " Dealing with Mentally Unfit Bio Parents" is because it's in my opinion that she - the ex, is mental; Mentally warped, mentally skewed, mentally retarded, mentally perverse...you get the picture. Anyways, after years of dealing with her and my husband I'm realizing that I can't stop her from doing anything negative, feeling anything negative or behaving in a way that it simply wrong or inapropriate. What I can do is change how I react. That...is where I'm struggleing. The frustration for me is 2 fold. Firstly, what bothers me is what fuels her to do the things she does. Let me explain...
1. She dislikes me because in her eyes I took her ability to mess around on her husband when things wern't going her way. Before my husband and I were even dating, she would come and visit him, under the guise of "so he can see the kids", and come up to have sex with him. Then she would drive back down there and resume life as before. When he started dating me, and then marrying me..all that ended.
2. She views me as the one who he decided to marry...and not her. Although she's married to the man she cheated on him with, she still feels resentful that he married me and not her. Not to mention that we had a baby together and it was a girl...what he always wanted. She had all boys with him, and for he to have a girl with someone else sort of added fuel to the fire; again it was a double whammy that even after 3 kids he married me and not her.
3. Their oldest son is an amazing football player and it being looked at already as a Freshman in high school. He has his dad's talent, and since his dad didn't take his football career to another level in college as everyone wa holding their breath for...they now look at their son as the next best meal ticket. The ex was banking on him making it big when he was in college and when he ended up with an injury thant ended his football career, they kicked him to the curb. Now it's their son's turn and her whole side of the family is waiting int he wing...just waiting incase of that opportunity to wait with their hands outstreched. She's spiteful that I'm here raising him and is talking about moving and following him wherever he goes to college. She's not much in life now, but yet she wants to have control over him if he makes it. I feel like this is the part of the movie "The Waterboy" when his long lost deadbeat father shows up when he makes it big trying to get a piece of the pie. .
4.She spent 13 years off and on, starting in high school with my now husband. She acts as if they still have a deep bond and a "secret love" for each other because of the time together. Its almost like she wants me to feel inferior to her...like we dont have as much as they had.
5. When she sees me she looks disgusted and gives me vicious looks, yet is kind and nice to my husband. THIS makes me sooo incredibly mad.
...There are other things that happen, but overall I'm feeling angry, a little resentful and a bit frustruated because a part of me wishes my husband would put her in her place when she gives the dirty looks and acts like a bitch. He's an avoider of conflict; but when he does address something, he then apologizes for actually standing up and doing the right thing. It's almost like he is afraid she's going to be mad with him.
- What I want to know is WHY? Why is she like this when I've done nothing to her? Why does she kiss his ass and he back down like he does? WHY is he afraid to stand up to her and stand up for me? Why doesn't it bother him that his ex is really unpleasant to me? He will allow her to approach our little girl and talk to her, touch her, etc...even tho he prefers she doesn't (so he says). SHOULD I be upset at this?..these things? I'm looking for ideas how to cope and deal with these issues as to either not tear up my marriage, or to find a way to back out of this situation. I feel really confused and wonder if I'm a little jealous for no reason? Part of me thinks that if he didn't act like such a timid, eager to please people pleaser I wouldn't feel so insecure about our family situation. But, when there's a question about strength and loyalty..and to whom its to...I start feeling like our family is in jeopardy and that he might just allow people do do whatever they want because hes more worrie about how he looks instead of doing the right thing.
You are not a little jealous
You are not a little jealous for no reason. You are picking up on her signals. From what you have written, it sounds as if this woman is intensely jealous of you and he is either scared of her, scared of her alienating the kid, still into her, or insecure and trying to prove himself by having women fight over him. Engineer it so that she never gets the chance to touch your child. Do not let her have any relationship with your child. She will emotionally attack your child in due course the way she is attacking you. Try not to even meet up with her. If you have to, get a third party to be there and for that person to explain to DH what her body language, words etc actually mean. If DH still won't listen, ask him to have counselling together with you because that would mean the problem is very deep-seated.
I went through very similar
I went through very similar treatment from the ex when my husband and I started dating. He left her, she filed for divorce, it was over. Then I came around and suddenly she thought they were going to work things out. It's over for a reason.
You just have to realize that SHE is the one who is jealous. SHE got left in the dirt. She knows that you won so she'll do anything to try to win him back. Girls play nasty games. Your only problem is that you need your husband to see it too and put her in her place. Or you can just celebrate that you won. Smile when you see her, kill her with kindness. Show her that she doesn't bother you. She'll hate you even more, but that's the fun of winning!
LOve it......but what do you
LOve it......but what do you do when you just think the BM need a good ass whipping, knock some sense into her.....my hubby BM is soooo focused on getting him back or makking both of us angry, I just literally want to beat the dog shit out of her......I've never wanted to be violent.....I've never been in a fight in my life...I'm 24 years old.....
Dmm, I know you are in a
Dmm, I know you are in a painful situation. Let me see if I can suggest a reframing that you might find helpful (or not) -- it's not very charitable, but it works.
You said, for example, this: "When she sees me she looks disgusted and gives me vicious looks, yet is kind and nice to my husband. THIS makes me sooo incredibly mad."
The same thing happens to me, but it absolutely delights me -- it means that she is giving me all the power by acknowledging that I bother her, that my existence bothers her. Meanwhile, I do not give a rat's a** about her or her life. That's power. I have it. She doesn't.
Its jealousy pure and simple,
Its jealousy pure and simple, don't let her behavior get to you, it's her who is bothered by you, you've already beaten her, he's your man now, that really sticks in her craw lol, she has obviously created a new reality for herself, one in which she would have everything back if you did'nt exist, she needs to get a life and move on, where is her pride? Poor hubby is trying to keep everyone happy, my bf is also non confrontational its just the way he is, yes it drives me crazy sometimes, its time for you to disengage with bm, she should become a non entity to you, the next time she gives you one of those looks, just smile at her, it will drive her even crazier ha ha.
BM TRIES HARD..... When I
BM TRIES HARD.....
When I first started dating my husband even the first few months of marriage...BM right there trying to seduce him and so on (this bitch even started dressing like me, styling her hair/nails the same, and wearing perfume that smells like me....talk about DESPERATE and CAN"T GET THE MESSAGE-It's over boo boo).....I've always told my hubby about his BM..sometimes he don't get the vibes I get from her....BUT I never worry that he will be unfaithful...I just don't like bitches trying me......think they are smarter,etc....no...and sometimes hubby will flirt or lead females on...that isn't helping me stand my ground of no nonsense-no-flirting with other females especially BM....
THis situation was handled after a few months of newly wed arguing...