Are you saying both bio parents are mentally unfit ? is that why you feel like you have to rescue the SKID? Thats BD role to protect his BD. Your only choice is do you want a man who brings the drama into your relationship.

There are some things YOU can do.

But I will ask a question or two first.

HOW does the mamadrama know so much about where you eat and where JOYS bday party was?

Restraining order - get one.

You do not need to be around Kay. You do not need to go to pick ups and drop offs when you know there will be a blow up. Why do you put yourself in this position? Why do you engage Kay's clients / your acquaintance regarding gossip? This is looking to call attention to yourself because you proffered making amends with Kay, which invites a response from her. Some of this is you inviting your own drama and misery.

You are engaging Kay - and maybe it is only me, but with the slight under current of condescension I detect in this post, I don't think you are as innocent or naive about this whole situation as you make out.

*When I got my eyeballs back from that eye roll... *
I seriously doubt people who give colonics have a professional or ethical code of conduct, so I don't think gossiping to a client about you is going to rain down holy hell from her professional board/association.

Were they married, in a relationship, still living together....when you got involved with Steve?

How is Steve handling the whole mess, is he jumping when BM demands, is he protecting you and Joy,

if not then end it, if yes, then this should've stopped long time ago and you can get married, but sorry Hon, Steve has no spine and can't put his foot down, you will always be 3rd cause his daughter and ex wife comes first..

Really, her behavior is quite ridiculous and I'm sure that it's glaringly apparent to everyone who matters that she is crazy, and the things she spews say a lot more about her than they do about you. I would ignore the gossip, and ghost anyone stupid and petty enough to play into it. They are idiots. Responding in any way is just giving her the reaction she is dying for, so stop reacting. Never speak a single word to her, she will try to use anything she can against you. These types HATE being ignored more than anything in the world. Think 'Fatal Attraction'.

Our BM participated in this type of behavior and it always made me giggle, sometimes right in front of her. It's so pathetic and junior high, it reeks of insecurity. Yours sticks tubes up people's buttholes for a living. LOL. Stick your nose in the air, she is beneath your dignity.

There is really no reason for either you or Steve to ever be in the same place Cray is at the same time, except for school concerts, sporting events, or whatnot. This child is old enough to walk from car to front door without assistance, so if dropoffs/pickups are made at home, Steve can and should insist that the transporting parent or designee remain in the car. I don't see any good reason why you and Cray should be at the school at the same time? If it is Steve's parenting time and he has designated you as the pickup person, he is totally within his rights to do so. In that case, Cray should be prohibited from being at the school for his pickups.

It will probably be necessary to get these rules court ordered. In order to gather evidence for the Restraining Order, Steve will need videotaped footage of her crazy ass behavior, and/or witnesses. Trust me, a video camera is well worth the investment. If she sees it being used, either she will make an even bigger ass of herself, or run away. Win, win. If she physically attacks you don't fight back, have her arrested. More fodder for a restraining order. Steve can file for one himself without a lawyer. If she is swearing loudly like that in a school parking lot, the police might consider arresting her for Disorderly Conduct.

As others have alluded, there's no reason Cray should be privy to your plans regarding parties or anything else. That also means you tell the child nothing about anything until you are all getting in the car. If you have a MIL or someone who can't shut their hole about your plans, ghost them too, they are not a friend to you, Steve, or this child.

In the rare case you all need to be at a public event at the same time, you and Steve should sit as far away as possible from Cray with your video camera visible, and Cray should be prohibited from approaching or addressing you. Include this in your RO.

Our BM is a crazy bitch, and we had a Guardian Ad Litem involved in our case. Our BM complained loudly about my being in the car during transports. I calmly told the GAL, "I'm not a party to this case and have not made any threats or attacked anyone. You cannot tell me where in public I can go. And DH cannot tell me where in public I can go." Our BM also complained loudly about the video camera, the GAL wanted to placate her, so said he wanted us to stop using it, and I said, "So she can make false allegations of abuse against us? No." He said, "She's afraid to come outside during exchanges." I said, "So? That's awesome. The child does not have to witness her tantrums. I am not a party to this case, and neither you nor the judge can tell me I am not allowed to videotape an exchange that happens in public." A few months later, she tried to alleged DH had assaulted her. No one believed her. I smiled and said, "What? A false allegation of abuse? No way! You don't say...."

Okay, now for the bad news. Cray is no doubt talking trash about you to Joy, and between that and the constant BS, this child will most likely surrender to the stress and start resenting you. The events you see in public are just the tip of the iceberg, and making them stop won't alleviate the problems this crazy bitch is making for this child. Be prepared for this child to flip on you, it is 99.99% sure to happen.

Evergreen, my husband’s ex wife was just like Kay, the first two years of him moving on with someone new - me.

It was hell. Not quite as bad as this situation, but close.

We lived in constant fear that she’d show up at our house, destroy personal property (our cars), or stalk us out in public - which she did do, often. Making horrible scenes, screaming at me from across parking lots. “You f***ing b****, just wait until you have kids!” All of this in front of their young child.

She’d send verbal “messages” to me via their child. She’d make threats. Her family members would make threats.

Just thank your lucky stars that you are not married. Not saying you should let her “win”, but just be thankful that you’re not deeper in this, legally, through marriage.

Oh evergreen one thing you said Steve is a professional music, that has a big problem with me. growing up my Dad was one and they have issues. Very charismatic deeply generous and captivating on stage and off. It wasn’t until my teens that my Dad calmed down into a fatherly role but I think it’s too late then we’re not that close now and he teaches advanced musicians now. Do you think Steve’s job is affecting his parenting ability?

I never really feel comfortable telling people whether to stay or go. All I can tell you is that my situation has been much the same. It has changed over the years, gotten slightly better for us, better for the child.

I will say that aside from meeting her and introducing myself, I have gone out of my way to avoid her because I knew she was the type of person to make a scene in public. I avoid going with my husband to pick up the kids even if it inconveniences us. I don't communicate with her in any way- all of that goes through my husband who has had to learn how to deal with her. I don't get involved with a lot of the decision making, although I do try to give my husband my thoughts and ideas.

One day, when the kids are growing and graduating college and getting married, perhaps we will be able to get together as a big family- likely not. Thankfully, she has chilled out a little bit over the years but she as a person will never change.

And yes, our stories are similar right down to the professional jealousy. She wanted to be a science teacher but became a drug addict instead, failed out of college, and now has a long rap sheet full of drugs, alcohol, and violence. Meanwhile, I am not only a teacher, but taught science, and won many teaching awards. I don't revel in it at all but. It drives her mad. It's her own damn fault and I don't feel a shred of guilt. She made her life, I made mine.

One last thing, I will say...from your last paragraph it sounds like you're still hurting but checked out.

Hi Evergreen,

I'm new here, and just saw your post and I just had to reach out to you. I am in an almost identical situation. BM is a violent narcissist who has managed to ruin yhe close bond I had with 11 y o SD in the last month. She physically attacked me when she found out SD was staying with me for the day and she has now convinced SD never to see me again. The child lied to the police denying the attack took place, even though she was present! She had to hold her mother back.

Like your SO, my partner also struggles enormously with post-divorce guilt and total lack of boundaries. Unfortunately, SD has now turned into her evil mother.

I just read your update at the end of the thread. I feel heartbroken for you I was really hoping things had worked out.... also, selfishly, that would have given me hope Sending you prayers.

If he is good to you and you truly love him, don't give up. I had two xw to deal with and both made life hard for a long time. DH has since realized keeping the peace with me is most important for his wellbeing. I would sit him down and kindly explain that you cannot raise this little girl WITH her. He has to put your little family of 3 first. She is not to attend any parties, etc. that the 2 of you plan, she can have her own, etc. She needs to be put in her place and he needs to do it out of love for YOU and his DAUGHTER. I had the same issue at first and he would engage in lengthy texts and phone conversations with his ex. Until one day he finally understood that he was just giving her the attention she is craving and he stopped. When she quit getting the reaction she wanted, she finally gave up.and it has been so much easier for his son, since we have 2 completely seperate lives. No yelling, no arguements, etc. She knows her place and that our home is ran OUR way and as long as her son is taken care of, it's none of her business what goes on here. They were not divorced when we started dating, she drug it out forever. Even though she left him and lived with someone else for a long time, she was very very jealous of our happy realtionship. She even hacked his facebook and changed our status to swingers... I'm a teacher. I did not react, just changed it back. She NEEDED a reaction and was supremely ticked off she didn't get one. AT mediation she said she wanted us to all get along and he told her that was kind of difficult because of the crud she had done to me. She apologized, but I just laughed and said I will respect her to her son, but that is it. Things have gotten so much better now that w do not react. At All. people who know me, know that I'm not anything like what she says, so I just let her say whatever she wants and laugh, Karma will get her one day. I have my happy family and the man I love and she is nothing in my llfe other than my kiddos mom. 

I hope this improves for you, tell him he has to not let her control stuff anymore and to ignore her lengthy texts. There is no need to communicate beyond basic issues (insurance, doctors, drop off, etc.) anything that gets emotional gets ignored. She will eventually learn her place and realize she won't get her way. Police involvement may be necessary, because stopping her crazy behvior, even with police will be WAY less traumatizing for their daughter than letting it continue the way it has been, trust me. If you don't put a stop to it, it won't ever stop. My DH had 13 years of crazy with his first exwife becuase no one did anything until i came along.. Police involvement was not fun, but necessary. My sanity will not be pushed that way ever again.