Fed up with trying so hard to make this family work - for what????
I'm new to this, so please excuse me if I don't get all the acronym's correct.
I've been with my partner for 6 years, since SD was 2. We have 50/50 custody. She has learned the only way to communicate is to scream and throw a fit; be abusive and hit - all this she learned from her "loving" bio-mom. This mom is nuts, constantly manipulating, threatening etc. Each week that SD comes back from her mom's we essentially have to de-program her from the week long crap she's been hearing about how we're bad people and don't really love her. We finally decided to get SD counselling, bio-mom said no, SD doesn't need counselling, refused to allow it etc. She finally relented, but only on her terms - she has met with the counseller and informed the counsellor and her daughter that I am the only reason the daughter needs counselling. I have been nothing but loving, caring and yes, provided structure, rules and discipline.............which she doesn't get at her mom's. Her mom has actually told her that I have no right to discipline her - excuse me - I can't tell her to clear her dishes, to be respectful in our home, or to stop being rude to me...... With two other kids in the home, the rules have to apply to all of them, no exceptions for SD because she doesn't like it and her mom has told her she doesn't have to listen. She has thrown wicked 3 hour long tantrums where she kicks the walls, throws things, screams at the top of her lungs things like: I'm not going to stop until you give me what I want, I f'n hate you, your abusing me............
I get home tonight from a relaxing yoga class to be told that by DH that we're not allowed to discuss discipline issues relating to SD anymore because occasionally she over hears us and gets made - apparently she told her dad she wanted to go live with him mom full-time because I'm the only reason she needs counselling - WTH! I have given this child everything, been more of a parent to her than her own freaking mother and I am fed up. Her own mom was ready to dump both her kids on us two months ago and move to Cuba for some piece of ass she met down there at xmas. There is a lot more to this that I have been able to write here, but I am ready to tell him to get the hell out of my life and take his drama child with him. It really shouldn't be this hard to love some one and I don't think I can take much more of this bs.
My dear I think you need to
My dear I think you need to disengage from this child and force the DH to step up to the role of being a parent and disciplining his child. He won't like that, but after a while he will realise why you did it. There is a place on this site or there used to be, where you are guided through the disengagement process. It worked for me. Good luck & keep us posted.:)
I agree that it does not work
I agree that it does not work when it is the SM that is doing the discipline. I tried that for several years and was constantly undermined by dad. However, I stepped down from that role several years ago and I still can not get their dad to step up and be a parent. He either does not kow how or feels that parenting is just too much work. (I am speculating.) He would rather avoid issues than deal with them. Good Luck!
SM Wilson.....I found the
SM Wilson.....I found the website that explains disengaging. Go to www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
It explains this concept in depth. Try it..it may work for you.
All the best!!
I can't imagine how
I can't imagine how frustrating is for you to hear that, after so much effort you've put in the relationship with your SD; but it's definitely time for husband to step up in the situation and lead thing for a while. Of course the rules in your house cannot change, he has to be as strong as you and continue to apply the same rules that your bio kids follow.
All the best!
Wow, I didn't know that other
Wow, I didn't know that other people were using the "disengagement" method, I had to do this too - it's a shame. I explained to DH that the SK's and I don't have a bond, and are not allowed a bond and he agreed that they were HIS responsibility. So I support him, but otherwise I step back. He does the cooking, mostly, when the SK's visit. I try and be around though, but I feel like it's to witness the tragedy, because it IS a tragedy.
I read the testimonies on this website, and I realise that hundreds or thousands of children out there are like the SK's, and all these women out there had children irresponsibly and what kind of adults do they make? How has this happened? Is what I am experiencing a social phenomena??
I am glad that we don't have custody, and honestly, I dont understand how 50:50 custody works, seems like the sure way to mess up kids!
SMWIlson, stay strong, you sound like a great lady!
Thanks for all the comments
Thanks for all the comments and words of support and wisdom. I'm attempting to take the disengagement route - at least in the interim. But I feel a real sense of loss over the "family", however, I realize that I am no good to myself or my two other children if I am completely stressed all the time about SD's behaviour. DH is not happy about it, but understands and is trying to support it. I just need to learn to breath and walk away!