A quick sum-up.
My husband has two children from two different moms. My own daughter is our middle child now, and her bio dad is AWOL (which is just fine with me, he was no darn good). My older stepson's biomom is pretty non-invasive... access goes well, she's flexible on times and dates, etc. I was told early in this relationship that she would be trouble for us - but she hasn't made a peep.
My stepdaughter on the other hand..... oh my. She's our youngest child. When I married my husband she was with us every weekend. Her biomom was disgusting and sleazy (often trying to lure my husband for sex in exchange for higher/earlier child support) but generally we had the kid every weekend and things went well. She tried to pass a rule saying I was not allowed to be in the car when we picked up or dropped off my stepdaughter, but my husband readily came to my defense and for a year - there were no other problems.
Then, at random, biomom started to lose her marbles. She said she was going through a tough breakup and asked us to keep my stepdaughter for a month. I took some time off school to be able to accomodate this. We still don't know all the details, but for some reason during that month, child protection got involved and started dropping by MY house to ensure my stepdaughter's well-being. For the first 4 home visits I was more than cooperative and understanding. Anything it took to ensure the kid's safety when she went home to biomom, right? My own daughter was scared by the visits and was actually questioned a few times (I assume to vet MY character and that of my husband), but I told myself this would blow over and she'd soon forget the stress.
Eventually, I'll spare you the details but after police involvement, some hosptalizations, some drug overdoses, some domestic violence, a slew of unexplained injuries (a grafted burn on her upper arm, for instance) and finally a reccommendation from child protection - we were in a place where we could no longer return my stepdaughter to her biomom. Her two older children (boys from a previous marriage) were placed by chld protection with a distant relative they had never met. The whole thing was sad and ugly and despite all my desparate efforts - it affected all the kids and affected our marriage. My husband has begun to have wild fits of rage, directed always at me, though I'm rarely the thing he's mad at. He's not abusive, but his behaviour and emotions are a problem now, and I'm trying to get him into counselling.
Sidebar: My stepdaughter is a nightmare. She's just a year younger than my own daughter (4) and yet she can be manpulative, cruel, violent, and selfish more than I'd ever have believed a preschooler could be. She has hurt both our other kids, kicked our dog relentlessly, and tells me every single day she hates me and hopes I get hurt. I can understand she's been through a LOT this year.... but so have I, and no matter how hard I try not to "feel" these behaviours, I do.
We are still in court weekly trying to get legal custody. It's a lengthy, messy process, for which I have done ALL the work. (calling lawyers, drafting affdavits, everything but literally speaking in court whiich I legally can't do, I'm not this kid's father). My husband is terrified of the court and cannot cope with even the smallest legal tasks so I've been handling them - to keep hs health in check and to ensure my stepdaughter's safety.
But the entire time, it feels like I'm writing my own obituary.
I do not WANT another full-time child. Nobody asked me. I didn't WANT to leave school for a year and I don't WANT to deal with this kid's tantrums all day, every day, while dad is at work. I don't WANT my own daughter to have to open her bedroom and all her possessions to be shared with another girl who never even treats her with respect and frequently spazzes out over not getting her exacxt way every time. I don't WANT to go to court and I don't WANT full custody.
But I have to do these things, right? Because there is NOWHERE ELSE FOR THIS KID TO GO NOW.
I beg my husband for a break. Some time off. He is verbally reassuring and supportive and all of that... when I ask for a break he says "yes, of course, we'll make it happen" but it never happens. My daughter went to my parents' house for a week-long visit this week - a yearly vacation for me whch I have always enjoyed - but this year, my husband is at work and I am home alone with my stepdaughter while she tantrums and demands and hates and spits and otherwise steps on my life.
I feel so angry and frustrated. I don't recognize my life just one short year after my marriage. My career (school) is gone. I was very passionate about that and I got straight As... my husband pretends I'll go back in a year, but if things stay the same financially and we've got full custody, I don't see how that could ever happen. I'm drowning in debt, but haven't had $20 of my own in months because he's the one working. I lost my cell phone because he could only afford to pay the bill for one (he needs his for work). I sold my bicycle. My friends stopped calling and coming around, telling me I seem "sad and too wrapped up in your husband and his kids. Every time we see you it's just more problems and whining".... and yeah, that's probably true. I miss my life. I need a break. I need to go on a date with my husband (we haven't had a night alone since before Christmas, it's now August) but we can't leave this child with a sitter because she screams and screams and then grows aggresive and the sitter inevitably calls us to come home anyways. His family rejects me, being under the impression that I somehow coerced him into "playing house" as they call it and am responsible for the custody hearing - they don't believe us when we say it came as a reccomendation from child protection. They tell my husband, "get rid of that harlot. You can't see what she's doing to your life and your children."
I'm lonely and exhausted and ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY - I resent my husband for my lost education and career, and resent my stepdaughter for being a behavioural nightmare and not respecting me as a human being, let alone her ONLY CARE PROVIDER right now. I feed her. I love her. I clothe her. I play with her. I force my own child to give up everything to her. And at the end of the day, it's still just "I hate you. I hope you die in an accident.".... gives me chills.
I hate my life.
Everything I loved about it is gone.
I love my husband dearly, but this situation is one I cannot handle forever. He keeps saying things will "get better".... when?! how?! That seems cliche and mythical to me. I have no reason to suspect that anything will get better for me. I feel I've aged 20 years in just the one.
Am I whining? Or expecting too much? Sure, all parents need breaks. Not just stepparents. And at least I'm not a single mother anymore... though never in my life have I been unable to set up even one day off to recuperate. I'm begging everyone and saying "I need a break, I'm not okay"... and everyone is just patronizing and brushing that off. What the hell do I do with all this?
I have secretly daydreamed about leaving my husband and skulking off in the night with my one (wonderfully-behaved, sweet, and bright) child... but if I did that I'd be lost without him and inevitably hurting my stepdaughter the worst. If I weren't here to look after her, I honestly do not know who would.