I was so happy to find this site, and to see that I am not alone! Here's my background:

I'm a 37 year old full-time stepmother of my SD (14), and i also have three bio kids- one son (18) and two daughters (17 & 15).  We live in Louisiana (where my husband is from, but lived in VA before and during his first marriage (producing SD) because he was in the Navy). My husband moved down here to LA after 6 months of LD dating, and we got married a year later. 

When my DH (40) relocated back home to LA in 2011, his ex made it her mission to make his life a living hell. She called and texted non-stop, and would make him "talk to" my SD for a new reason each night- because she wouldn't clean her room, made a bad grade, etc. His ex would tell him he was the reason his daughter was acting out (which she wasn't- it was the behaviour of a normal 7 year old. She would be punished to her room by BM (biomom?) most of the nights he would "fuss at" her. 

After several months of this I told him that if she really had that much trouble being a mother to her child then maybe she should come to live here. When DH mentioned it to her, she immediately agreed. BM has another daughter who is 1.5 years older than SD, and so she kept her and sent SD to live here. 

SD did NOT want to move here, and for the first year it was torture. She loved her mom so much and would cry and say how much she missed her sister and how she wished she was back there. She also got to the point where she said that BM loved her sister more than her. Being a mother of two BD, it broke my heart. I reached out multiple times per week to discuss with BM, and her response was, "She obviously doesn't understand that her sister is punished from the TV" or "Her sister's dad is mad at her, so she's not getting any fun stuff". Not one time did she agree that maybe SD should come back there to live, or that she DIDN'T love the other child more. 

Fast-forward 6.5 years to 2019. SD calls me mom. Calls BM by her first name. Does not want to go to VA to visit because BM outwardly favors other daughter and shames SD for (1) calling me mom (which I never asked her to or implied) (2) being close to my youngest daughter(she tells her that's not her real sister)  and not her own sister, and anything else she can think of. One year SD went to visit for Christmas and she didn't give her a Christmas present because she "made a C on her report card"! In 6.5 years she's gotten her an average of 6% of the time. She leaves her out of large family gatherings, and even lied to her about "no children allowed" at her grandparents' funerals because she didn't want to pay for the flights (SD found the pictures her sister posted online).

The emotional trauma caused to SD is heartbreaking. She hurts so much over the fact that her mother is there with her sister and leaves her out of everything. To make matters worse, BM married the father of her first daughter (she'd cheated on my DH with him throughout their marriage), so the three of them are a big happy family there!

When she sent SD here to live, the agreement was she would pay CS and carry health insurance. She dropped insurance over 2 years ago and never told us! We paid out of pocket because she "requested new cards" or "I don't know why it's saying inactive policy". We threatened to bring her to court if she didn't communicate about the insurance, and she stopped paying child support in October bc she got the insurance reinstated!

One week ago my DH got served with papers- this heartless B is suing us to ONLY have to provide child support! No health insurance, medical bills, school costs, extra-curriculars, etc. We have paid for these things for years (and I've been the one physically responsible for her doing them), and never asked for a dime. Now we are dropping 3k on an attorney (which we really don't have) to protect ourselves.

She's requesting every-other Christmas (which they don't do anything on), and other holidays and 2 months in the summer, and SD does NOT want this. Each time she's there she calls me crying. But BM will NOT acknowledge or apologize for her actions. She tells SD that it's all "in the past" and "get over it". 

Sorry for the LONG rant. I feel like I am about to explode and just want to hear that I am not alone with this- trying to heal a hurting young lady, whom I love so much, from the damage done by her birth mother.