I disengaged from SD14 a year ago, but that actually wasn’t the first time.

I’ve been in the picture since she was 5, and I disengaged briefly before when she was 8.  Her behavior was absolutely atrocious.  I literally couldn’t take it anymore.  I had lost it and yelled at her.  Then I'd decided to stop making an effort and do my own thing.

Well, SD ran and cried to BM about it, and BM told her to report me to her counsellor.  SD pulled an innocent lamb routine, it was absolutely disgusting.  BM affirmed with SD that I was a big meanie, didn’t give her any warning that she was doing anything wrong.  Bullsh!t.  Boooo hoooo, poor wittle SD.  SD knew exactly what she was doing, she was smirking every time she threw her tantrums.  Making everyone around her miserable was hilarious while it lasted.  Counsellor coaxed me to apologize for yelling at SD, I overstepped.  I refused.  Sorry, not sorry.

SD could tell I was pissed at her.  That’s what happens when you poop all over someone.  She couldn’t take my disengagement.  I got attacked for spending too much time doing what I normally do: reading, working on my computer, visiting with my kids outside the home.  The ridiculous attacks came from BM and the counsellor, and I actually got questioned in court about how much time I spent reading and what I was doing on the weekends I missed events.  I allowed the questioning even though I didn’t have to, because it was all patently stupid and only made BM look worse.  

The same BM who kept SD in her bedroom most of the time, never made her a single meal, let her fend for herself since she was 3, had her get up alone and wait for the schoolbus unsupervised since she was 6, missing 60 days of school, neglecting SD’s health problems, while BM was passed out on methdone, fentanyl, oxycodone, telling her small child she was dying of cancer when she was not.  The same BM that told SD we were not allowed to have a relationship, and she didn’t have to listen to me.  PASinator extraordinare.  Tried to use my disengagement as abuse to use against DH in court, to prevent herself from losing custody.  

Well, it didn't work, BM did lose custody, even with all the idiotic accusations.  So DH and I decided SD-then-8 was still young enough we could make a difference, so we decided to try.  Silly us.  I re-engaged.  Nutured, went to all the events, cooked, cleaned, spent, gifted, transported.  The whole shebang.  Do or die.  Well, of course, we all know how that goes.  Meanwhile, BM didn’t attend any events, didn’t provide any support, etc.  Typical as usual.

So now that I'm disengaged again, this time permanently, after years of intolerable bullcrap, I keep waiting for the attacks to come.  I know SD cries to her mom about how mean I am, and BM tells her she did nothing wrong.  I’m waiting for the inevitable custody petition, alledging SD wants to live with BM because I’m mean.  Been there, tried that.  BM can file all she wants, so be it.  She’d have a snowball’s chance in hell, but either way, I don’t care where SD lives.

Well, last week, there was some kind of awards assembly at SD’s school, dunno what SD was up for, don’t care, but DH said she wanted me to come.  She could win the Nobel Peace Prize for all I care, and she would still be a POS, imo.  At this point nothing would convince me she is a decent person.  

So my reaction was “Tell her to ask her mother!”  He said, “Okay, I she wanted me to ask you and I said I would.”

I explained to him, again, that she has no interest in a relationship with me, and this is a continuation of her victim mentality, where she is giving the appearance of wanting a relationship, when really she just wants me to worship her.  I'm "being mean", while her mother gets a free pass.  

The assembly happened, and SD never told BM about it, and neither did DH, which he should have.  DH keeps playing into this victim mentality, while I’ve been beating the hold-BM-accoutable drum.  BM is MOTY.  So if SD wants something?  Ask your mother.  Time for BM to step up and be accountable.  As SD is so fond of saying, she has two parents, and I’m not one of them.  And that should be DH's *only* response to any prodding from the lawyers, if this comes to court, instead of his guilty-sounding defenses.

The problem is, DH thinks SD doesn’t invite BM to these things because she genuinely doesn’t like BM, and invites me because she genuinely wants a relationship with me.  I’ve had years of proof that that theory is incorrect, but that is how DH kept me engaged for too long, and now I have PTSD.  He’s not gaslighting me, he really believes it, because BM is a toxic POS, and everyone else hates her.  So SD will continue to play this victim game forever.  I told DH to never pass on any messages from SD, the answer will *always* be No.  I'm not interested.  He said “okay”, but he still doesn’t get it.