Speak up or keep mouth shut?
I disengage as much as possible except when it affects my kids or myself. But every once in awhile my kids will tell me something my stepsons have said or done and that really upsets me. An example is SS13 telling my son to just kick the cat because it is in the way and it's just a cat. Of course my son would never do this but these animals are more ours as we've connected more and the stepkids go back and forth so much. I don't really think SS would hurt the pets but if he got jealous enough who knows. It just upsets me he is even talking this way and makes me like him even less.
So do I tell him I heard him say this and it's not appropriate? Knowing him he would deny saying this and I know my kids aren't lying about this. Or tell DH I'm concerned because I heard this? To which he could still address SS who would again lie to him about it. Or just keep my mouth shut and quietly stew and have my negative feelings grow more for this brat? I'm sorry to use that word but that's what he is and it's actually putting it kindly. If my kids didn't have to hang out with him I would prefer it but I can't keep them from him.
Yes, mention it. Even if DH
Yes, mention it. Even if DH isn't around. I have disengaged, but when SD says something directly to me or even around me that isn't appropriate, I definitely let her know.
Talking about our dog... one day she said "____ is so fat, you could just put her in the oven and eat her!" I just said, "That's not funny - don't say that." Even if these brats are joking, cruelty to animals isn't funny.
One time SD10 directly asked me if I was on birth control (wtf, obviously BM fishing for info). I told her "That is totally inappropriate to ask anyone EVER. You don't ask people those kinds of things.That's private."
Some of these things SO obvious that they are inappropriate, but many times SKs don't have the slightest clue and need to be told. Don't hesitate.
Be up front with SS "I over
Be up front with SS "I over heard you say you were going to kick my cat, I see you hurt any animal I will have you arrested for animal abuse, don't even bother lying to me I can't even look at you right now I'm so disgusted by you!"
Walk away, your DH want's to placate let him know you won't tolerate animal cruelty in your home and if he condones it he can sleep on the street with his kid until he man's the f*ck up.
If you can rely on your
If you can rely on your husband to bring the topic up with your ss and let him know that it is unacceptable and illegal to kick animals deliberately then I would go through him. If your husband is likely to dismiss what you say, then I would bring it up directly with your ss.
Your ss might lie and claim he never said anything, but he should at least be told that that type of behavior will not be tolerated and that animal abuse is illegal.
The approach I take with DS
The approach I take with DS when it comes to SKs bad behavior is to use it as a teaching tool. I know he will be exposed to negative influences throughout his life and I won't be there to help him make good choices.
So whenever SKs do something I would not want my son to do. I talk with him about it and why I would not want him to behave that way.
It's funny because this has even rubbed off over time on YSD. She used to worship OSD and mimick everything she did. I would sit and talk with her about why I didn't approve of that behavior in my house and why that behavior was harmful. She now sees on her own and recognizes OSDs self destructive behavior.
Thank you all for the great
Thank you all for the great advice. I did mention to DH and he was very concerned. He spoke to SS and explained that is not how we talk let alone treat animals. DH is aware SS says strange things at times for attention and thinking the other kids will think it's funny for some stupid reason, but this makes him look like a horrible person for saying these things. People will get the wrong impression of him. Which I already have, can't stand the kid. He apologized to me saying it was a joke and he didn't mean it. We did use it as a teaching tool. I'm just glad DH had my back. I've talked to my kids too about it and how it's not ok for his kid to be talking like that which they know. But I'll be watching him more closely around my kids. I'll speak up in the future though about this kind of stuff. It does affect me and my kids, and my pets so definitely not cool.
So lucky DH listens
I have to remain quiet on these matters. Every time I bring something up safety-wise to DH about something one of his kids are doing re animal mis-treatment, he goes into 'stepkid protection mode' and blames other kids in the neighbourhood or school who may be influencing step kid's bad behaviour-then getting all shitty with me for 'picking on' stepkid. Way to go to teach your kids well and create accountability!!!
While discretion is arguably
While discretion is arguably the better part of valor..... silence in the face of toxicity is just stupid.
IMHO of course.
Speak up.