Need help with life after disengaging
Well, it's been about 10 months or so and I've disengaged I think in a really healthy way. I'm a supporting role in my SDs life and we get along just fine now. She is 7. My issue is now there is an unexpected consequence and it's that I find myself siding more with BM than my husband. I realized I became so entangled with SD because she wasn't really getting any proper attention or positive parenting from her Dad. So like I said I have just become just a very strong support for her but I let him do the parenting. She has changed a lot because of the disengaging! These days she will just ask as soon as she gets to our house when she can go spend time with her friends. I allow this freely now I don't get involved by arguing he should utilize what little time he has with her (now only a weekend Dad). Without me constantly planning and forcing quality time it's near nonexistent. If alone, he's usually asleep with her watching TV or just sitting down watching her play alone. I can visibly see (and I know I'm not alone in this) how she doesn't really come home to us for him, but rather feels like it's more to see her friends (which I am one). This is all ongoing in the background while he prepares AGAIN to go back to court and fight for more custody. I can't understand at all why he wants to do this. He says he will be headed to court soon over the last year or so but he acts like eveytthing I just mentioned plus spends his money on literally everything else BESIDES retaining proper counsel to fight for her (fancy toys, meals, material stuff). My question is, how do I bring this up to him in a way that won't break us? What I really want to say to him sometimes is "do you really think it's a good idea she is with us half the time?" But that sounds so awful!!! But also deep down inside I know it's true, it's not what's best for her. Here are some of the reasons why that I wrote down:
1. Minimal involvement with school even though he has complete access. Zero effort into enrichment activities or showing an interest in her talents, dreams, goals.
2. Usually glad to send her away to friends houses over the weekend instead of plan and do tings with her. I've seen him literally text her friends parents as soon as he picks her up to arrange for her to play with them. Sometimes she is gone almost all weekend when she's supposed to be with us.
3. Can't do anything with her alone because it frustrates him. He must always have me or someone else there to guide the activity and he is usually complaining half the time anyway.
4. Just doesn't seem to enjoy being a Dad. Has said multiple times to me he wants no kids (for us) because they're a ton of responsibility for "so long" in his own words. That never bothered me because I'm done raising mine but now it does because of this.
Do I confront him? Or do I simply let it all run its course? He has a very very good chance of winning 50/50 so keep that in mind. What would you do?
Competition?
Why do you think he wants to go to court for more custody when he doesn't show much interest in her? Is it to be competitive with BM? Oneupmanship?
Kid and emotion aside, what
Kid and emotion aside, what is the risk of him getting 50/50 and having to pay BM CS? I for one would avoid giving BM free time while paying her. An NCP has a duty to provide finantially for their kid. However, a 50/50 parent should owe the other parent nothing. If the risk of having the kid for more time while still having to pay, nope. I would not do it. Even if I were a breeder. Which I am not.
A parent that has survived a failed family owes as much of a duty to themselves to live well as they do to support and raise their child. The child has the other parent who owes that child and themselves the same duty. If that parent is paid by the first parent, then the first parent should demand return on their payments. Care, shelter, food, clothing, etc... All while protecting a new mate from the failed family baggage drama.
IMHO of course.
I would confront him. If he
I would confront him. If he truly wanted to be a dad to her, I could see wanting more custody time but with everything you've stated, what's the point? Why does he want to fight for more responsibility when he doesn't want the responsibility that he has now?
Who cooks for her, and all of that other stuff that comes with being a parent? I hope not you.
Your DH sounds a little like
Your DH sounds a little like mine, he did not take an acitve parenting role most of the time. However, he has diagnosed ADD and this greatly effects his planning and some social skills. I took on a LOT when first with him and burned out fast, discovered this site and rapidly started disengaging. Because I was NOT a parent, was not treated or thought of as one by any of them. Oh, but I could cook, clean, plan, buy things! Not an option for me at all in the end.
DH had 50/50 custoday then (still did until YSD18 just aged out) but as the SDs got older and came over less he didn't make sure that 50/50 was maintained with makeup time). I saw him struggle to plan, to cook, to do things with the SDs but stayed out of it. I tried to get him to do his makeup time for missed time in our home, but nope, deaf ears. Gave up.
If I were you, I would have a serious talk with your husband about his plans, why he wants it, and what he plans to do with the extra time. Can he even GET more time with them? How much $ does he plan on spending for it? Because here's what you will and won't do moving forward (have a list ready to go, or at least memorized). Keep the talk calm. If he freaks out and starts blaming you, end the conversation right there. Try again another time. If he simply cannot talk with you about this rationally, I don't see how the marriage can work if he railroads you.
You did not sign up for more then 50/50 custody
If DH wants to change the rules. That's up to him. You must let him know. You don't like that ideas. You don't want it. He will be on his own. Don't let him think this is a road to the "Big Happy Family". But the road to "divorce " Two. BM will have to really be unfit to lose 50/50. Courts like 50/50.