Lengths you have gone to...
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Hi guys,
Just wondering what lengths everyone has gone to with disengaging...
I'm almost at the point of despising finding things around my home that is anything to do with his son and his ex. Even court documents piss me off. If I'm not involved in your kids life by your and your exs choice then get that shit away from me instead of leaving it in places I can see it and be reminded....
I feel I'm probably getting so much worse at being understanding of his life that doesn't involve me. He notices but still doesn't talk about it. 3 years in..its never gonna change and I accept that but now I'm just getting worse and worse at needing that whole part of him kept away.
I get irritated when I find
I get irritated when I find stuff from his former life. There isn't much but it pops up once in a while and I just don't want to see it. I was looking for packing tape the other day and found an envelope of pictures from when he was with BM. These were pictures taken in the same places he and I have been. It just feels gross and weird. They were from before SD was born. I know he hasn't looked at these pictures since before we met, he probably doesn't even know they're there, I could make them "disappear" if I wanted.
This isn't disengaging, this is him failing to get rid of stuff from his previous life. Whenever I run into something related to my exes I pitch it immediately. I pretty certain he has never run into any objects left over from my previous life. I have a previous life too and he was reminded of it on occasion but every time he was I took measures to make it go away. Since he has a kid I'm going to be reminded of his forever. It's just not fair
This is disrespectful to you.
This is disrespectful to you. I would plan to ask him to clear out some old stuff and go through what he needs and the area of question being that envelope...see if it disappears because then you'll know if he wants to keep it.
I've known people who keep things from exs, my current husband is one...except its more things he belongs that has association or was a gift. I cant ask him to get rid even though I 100% do just that.
Doesn't sound like much of a
Doesn't sound like much of a relationship if he won't even talk to you about things.
Some days, it seemed as if that's all DH and I did, was discuss BM and her antics and how we were going to deal with them (SD is 29, now). We are a couple, a team.
This is not disengaging, this is keeping a part of his life from you, even though it affects you. Had my DH done this, I would have felt like I had no control over my own life. I wouldn't want him to keep a "whole part of him" away from me. I would feel that I was on the outside of the relationship.
I know not everybody wants to hear about the ex or even the kid, but that is just unrealistic when in a relationship with someone who has kids. I liked to be informed and on top of things. I wanted to know what to expect and how to counter it.
Don't get me started about court documents. I have a couple of blogs about my shredding party (I Shredded BM and You've Got Mail). It was infuriating! But cleansing.
Hereiam....
Hereiam....
I agree 100% with everything you have said. And it hurts that I'm not good enough to be part of his life in whole when I've granted him 100% of me.
I've known it was difficult for him as his ex is hardworking and fights everything he says. I wish he had enough fight for me and us.
I've always said, knowledge is power and as long as I know, I can prepare for situations. I've also always said that I don't like looking like a f.king idiot who doesn't know wtf is going on by his ex! Anyway, I've had to come to terms with the fact he doesn't like to talk and doesn't like confrontation. I just wonder how long I'll be able to accept it.
I just wonder how long I'll
I just wonder how long I'll be able to accept it.
I guess you will know when you've had enough and can't take it anymore. One day, if he doesn't let you in, you will decide that you can do better. He will be losing out.
I agree with hereiam - this
I agree with hereiam - this is him compartmentalizing and keeping his life with you completely separate from his life where he has a son and a high conflict ex. That might be okay for some, but it sounds like it's not okay for you.
Can I suggest that you stop trying to get pregnant and decide if you can live like this? You already have two children, so if you don't have more it won't be the end of the world, right? And if it's him who wants a child, then you two can go to marriage counseling and learn to manage the ex in a way that doesn't cause so much resentment in you. Otherwise, don't bind yourself to this situation.
Agreed tog. Situations and
Agreed tog. Situations and decisions have changed somewhat since my last posts and I'm definitely not looking to get into more of a messier situation. Thing is without any trigger we are really good. The second something pops up and he attends to it immediately, I recoil myself away from him. I suppose if he cannot handle that response one day and wants to talk about it then I'd be open to that but for the meantime it's just a change in my mood and he hasn't got a clue why!
SS has a back pack for when
SS has a back pack for when he visits BM. He is to come in, take a shower (he alsways smells when he comes from her house), and wash his clothes. Everything, including shoes, go into the back pack and he hangs it in his room until the next every other weekend visit. If I find anything left out it goes in the trash. He knows it and DH knows it. I haven't seen anything in a long time.
SS has a back pack for when
SS has a back pack for when he visits BM. He is to come in, take a shower (he alsways smells when he comes from her house), and wash his clothes. Everything, including shoes, go into the back pack and he hangs it in his room until the next every other weekend visit. If I find anything left out it goes in the trash. He knows it and DH knows it. I haven't seen anything in a long time.