Help! 10 years and now firmly the Stepmom
I am step-mom to twin boys - now 17 yrs. We have a bio son - 8 yrs.
The boys mom is not in the picture at all so since I met their dad 10 years ago I stepped into the role of 'mom' and they never referred to me as step mom.
As a result I took on all the mom duties and responsibilities and we operated as a mom/dad family with me dealing with teachers, doctors, etc and him dealing with sport, etc. It was a great partnership.
When the boys started becoming teenagers I started disnegaging from the discipline as I started to feel the relationship taking a strain. I have never stepped back from the mom duties though and recently they have reminded me, in no uncertain terms, that I am the step mom and NOT the mom. They both got girlfriends that drive and just spent their last weekend at home (before 3 months at boarding school) away knowing I'm at work this morning so they won't see me before they go. I had a fight with one of them yesterday as he is hurting his dad. And man, as the night wore on and I realised they weren't coming home, the emotions started to hit me like a freight train.
They don't love me, or if they do, they don't like me right now and they have both chosen their girlfriends. (both older than my boys).
I realise I can't take offense or be upset, but honestly, I just am.
The only thing I can think to do is to protect myself by putting in boundaries so I don't get hurt again by the magnitude of this rejection.
I can't be the one they call when they're desperate for something at school (financially because dad is tight with money), I can't be the one to come to their aid always when they're fighting with their dad or he's saying no to something. I feel taken advantage of honestly, manipulated and abused. How do I say no without seeming like I'm rejecting them?
How do I protect myself and make it clear I know I'm the step mom, but I still love you so much??
Please help.
Bullshit you can't take offense or be upset by their behavior.
I realise I can't take offense or be upset
I do not tolerate anyone's toxic behavior regardless of my feelings about them or who they are. Fortunately, I am not in a situation where people who are important to me are toxic. Those who are toxic, I have no use for and they are just something I scrape off of my shoe. So to speak.
The "you're not my dad/mom" moment has to be difficult. I'm fortunate to never have had to experience this with my SKid. I did start the journey much earlier than you did regarding being the primary parent in a specific role. My bride and I met when our son (my former SS-38 who asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo) was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.
It is time for these young men to know clearly that you are mom but they have to earn you being their mom with compliance to standards of behavior and standards of performance.
Even when a SParent is mom or dad to the SKid(s) IMHO the SKid(s) only get the benefits associated with that if they continuously behavior respectfully and reasonably.
If the do not, then do not invest your heart and soul into them until they do. Go to the "ask your dad since I am apparently not your mom but only your StepMom" card. Play it each and every time until they pull their heads out of their own asses. Make sure that they also know that if you are not their mom, your son is not their brotehr and YOUR husband will no longer be their dad on their next B-day. See how looming total independence impacts their behavior including full financial responsibility for themselves. No more mom and dad money, no more bedroom in the family home, they can figure it out and finish growing up on their own time and their own dime.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Until they chose clarity over whatever idiot brain fog they are choosing to follow now.
Good luck.
Funny how the start of this
Funny how the start of this coincides with the arrival of the girlfriends... I wonder if one of them has,a conflictual situation with her own stepmother? At 17, they're highly influenceable. Just because someone else's relationship turned sour, doesn't mean that everyone's will.
I have to reply to this. You
I have to reply to this. You can reply to any requests for money, assistance w/ Dad or anything else w/ "As you very rudely pointed out I am just your Stepmom so as just a stepmom I am going to say no. Your rudeness towards me was unwarranted and it has consequences."
At 17, with as much
At 17, with as much independence as they have had.. with peers that likely had step situations.. they are using the advantage of not having to consider you mom.. aka listen to your advice.. when they don't want to.
Does your younger bio also go to boarding school? I know that with my dad, when his dad married his mom... the 4 boys were pretty much shipped off.. of course there was a younger son born.. he was not.. so I know that sowed some resentment.. even if it wasn't totally intentional. (though when sm presented my father and his brothers with a bill for that tuition after the funeral when she changed the locks on the apartment?... yeah.. it was clear where she saw those boys.. yet my father maintained a relationship with her until her passing at 99yo!)
Teens at that age.. it's complicated.. they want to be grown and independent.. yet..you also understand.. they still rely on familly for financial support etc.. since they aren't actually grown and independent.. they can resist parental guidance while still wanting parental support.
It's tough.. their father should be taking the lead with them.. you can support as you feel you want to. If dad is tight.. well.. sorry boys.. he is your dad.. not much we can do is there?
Please tell us that your dad and his brothers declined to pay.
No way would I have paid that. My dad, me, my brother, and my SS were never presented with a bill for our boarding school tuition. My GPs, my parents, and my bride and I provided that opportunity. It was our choice so we paid.
That your GSM did that to your dad and his brothers is a very SpermClan move. They did that with SS demanding that he repay the 17 years of CS they paid. Which was approximately $57,624.00. Less than 25% of what the USFDA indicates is the cost to raise a child from birth to 18yo.
Their guilt message was periodically delivered to SS over the much of his first 18 years of life and beyond. CS was taking food away from this 3 younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot half sibs by two other baby mamas. He had nice things because of CS. They didn't. As he got older he would counter that crap in real time pointing out that his mom and dad were both graduate degreed professionals with high paying careers and the CS was insignificant. He gained that knowledge when he would come home upset with his mom that she was making the SpermClan pay CS and it wasn't fair that he had things and his sibs didn't. So, spreadsheet and charts with CPA mom time. He also found the information submitted to the courts that showed through the various court stages of his life under the CO what we made Vs what the SpermIdiot claimed to have made and that SpermGrandHag provided the SpermIdiot a home to live in rent free, gave him their old car when they bought a new one, raised the 3yos in their home with no financial help from the SpermDaddy, and were paying the CS on SS and all three of the younger ones. As is usually the case. All three BMs were COD as the CP. To keep the kids under her cult influence SpermGrandHag paid the CS on the condition that the kids were with her. My SS is the only one of the 4 not raised under that model. The outcomes for #2, #3, and #4 are not even remotely comparable.
The head explosions that occurred when SS would learn them all on reality were epic. He shared one a few years after the fact that when the Hag tried to guilt him into repaying the CS that he told her she needed to collect it from the guy that should have been paying it.
The only SKid/SP situation that I am aware of in my family, other than my own experience, is my dad's mom. She and her 8 sibs were raised by their dad and an SM after her mom passed when she was about 6yo. No specifics but apparently GM's SM was mean and they farmed her out to be a housekeeper when she was in her early teens. My dad's dad was married prior to my GM and had a son via that marriage. Apparently while he was away for work that wife started bar flying around pretty heavily. Granddad divorced her. I found a bundle of letters in a steamer trunk not long after my granddad passed that were from that son. Ranting vitriolic letters. Why he kept them I have no idea. My dad has a single memory of his older brother from when he was very young. The guy scared the crap out of him which is probably why dad remembers.
After my GPs retired he paid a visit to their home/farm unannounced. Granddad was away and there was a knock at the door. GM opened and there was the SKid that no one had seen or heard from in decades. He said he was there with his lawyer to asses their assets. GM grabbed the shotgun from behind the door and ran them back to their car. The funniest thing is, dad's elder half bro is a retired FBI agent. I suppose GM is lucky that he chose to run. Oddly enough, my middle name is his first name. Though I am named after my mom's dad as far as my middle name is concerned.
How do I protect myself and
I would step away financially and leave things like helping and drives to their father, due to their actions of turning away from you and referring to you now as only the step parent, etc
That does not mean that you don't love them. You are simply putting a few boundaries in place for your relationship with them as they grow older and they can still rely upon their father for these things
How do you still show them you care and love them? You can do this in other ways. By being present. Having dinners with them. Do an activity with them. Ask how their day is. Ask what is new with them.
If they are still rude and inconsiderate then I would disengage more that that. (look up and read about disengagement on here). Basically it's pulling back from anything and also not responding much to them. Just going about your own business. It may be hard but they have left you little choice based upon their words and actions toward you.
They are not happy with going to boarding school
They will not see there GF everyday. Also they just feel you are shipping them out of your life . I understand. They are not your kids. And you didn't sign up for 24/7/365 SK response abilities. DH could of come up with other ways then boarding school. Hiring a '''babysitter'''aid type of person to spend 5 hours a day to take care of them after school. Do homework, Sports, other projects. Make dinner for the family.
I assume your bio is NOT in boarding school. You don't want to miss your DS.
You made your choice, by sending them to boarding school. You disengage from them along with there bio mother. They must be angry about this. And not seeing there, Holding there, not getting from there GF's put them over the edge. Think it will take years if not forever to get a normal relationship with your SS1
Boarding school is not always to get rid of a kid.
I would say that getting rid of the kid is rarely the impetus for boarding school. For many it is family tradition, or there is some stability element in play that makes boarding school a more consistent option for the kid than remaining at home.
For my dad, me and my brother, where we were raised school only went through 9th grade. The options for HS were either the families resigned their employment and returned to their country of origin for their kids to finish HS, they send the kid to family to live and finish HS, or they went to boarding school. The company paid 80% of the boarding school costs and all of the transportation costs for the kids to return home 3x per year during Summer, Winter, and Spring break.
By the time it was my SS's turn, it was a tradition. We also knew that the structure and 24/7 accountability would be beneficial for him.
For all of us it was an exciting thing and not a get rid of the kid thing.
We had returned to the US when I was 10 after being raised overseas since I was 4yo. When I was 14 my parents sat me down, reviewed the family finances with me, informed me that dad had an offer to return to work in the country were my brothers were born while we were living there. They made it clear that they could not cover college costs for us if we stayed ane dad continued in his Gov't job but that if we went back overseas I would leave for boarding school after the end of the next school year. My response was "When do we go?". I had friends, I had a "GF" but I also knew what was best for my family, me, and my baby bros.
There any number of influences on boarding school as an option for a kid or family. Certainly there are times when it is to get rid of the kid. Though even in those situations there is any number of reasons for it. Some that may be for the best interests of the kid or for the family .Or both.
17
17 is typical pulling away age. Some of this is typical 17. Even bios can be difficult. I would have given my oldest away at this age if I could.
But, while a girlfriend is normal, Dad should be concerned with this weekend away ---unless he does not mind being called Grandpa soon.