Example

Forums:

Example of disengagement reasoning.

Last night, watching a show with DH.
SDs and SD11's TF are messing around, a neighbor's cat is on our front deck and they are all a-twitter about it.

I go out to check on the cat. "Oh, yes, I think this is the neighbor's cat, I see it in the driveway over there sometimes, it's ok."
Cat wanders off across the road.

We all go in.

Cat comes back.

SD11 and TF come back upstairs, "The cat is back!" and start going outside AGAIN.
(front door is right in the family room and it's getting dark out by this point so it's getting annoying)

DH tells them, "Hey, just leave the cat alone! Don't worry about it!"
They go downstairs...and promptly out the back door and are on the front deck again in seconds messing around with the cat.

I look at DH, "Oh, so they sneaked out you know..."
DH, "oh."
Me, "Well, good luck with that when they are 16."
DH, "That's not relevant. I just didn't want them going out the front door."
Me - done talking, remain silent.

So DH can make a rule, SDs break it, DH has no follow up to SDs, and they can just do what they want. I make a suggestion, perhaps a vision of the future, and DH white-washes all of it.

...And the amazing thing is he had just about an hour earlier told me "what a jerk" SD11's TF is. Of course HE can say that, but not me.

Good luck with the teenagers DH, cause I'm not stepping in that pile.

I can sooo relate! Sometimes

I can sooo relate! Sometimes I do worry about what it will mean in the future because the more out of control these kids get, the more my life and my relationship with my SO is stressed. But if they won't listen, what can ya do?!?

SO recently told me that his daughter stole some alcohol
The next day he tells me that she asked him if she could be dropped off at a friends house at 10pm at night
I said, isn't that kid ever grounded? (This after also being found smoking pot, stealing and lying about where she is)
His response? "Well she asked if she could go". SMDH!

I've disengaged as well but I can understand that it is extremely frustrating at times!

My ex remarried. Ex and I

My ex remarried. Ex and I don't talk, though her new husband (let's call him "Phil") and I did once. Phil keeps his nose out of my kids' lives because his ex had a kid (let's call him "Danny") who took one of Phil's cars without asking, and when Danny came home, Phil shoved Danny's arse up against the wall and got in his face... Danny called CPS and Phil went in front of the judge... judge said, "Is this your kid?"
"No, your honor."
"Do you have ANY authority over him at all? ANY responsibility for his actions?"
"As a step parent, I..."
"That wasn't the question."
"No, your honor."
"Then let's consider this incident your one-time warning. Don't do that again."
Phil went home and moved out, ending their marriage, because his ex wasn't willing to PARENT her kid, and he didn't want the trouble Danny was sure to give, especially when Danny knew what the judge said.

Indeed, in some relationships, disengaging is the worst thing - except for all the other options.

OMG - DH would say exactly

OMG - DH would say exactly that.
Absolutely no recognition of behavior or boundaries.
It's all in the minute, not the life.

Yyyyyyup. Very familiar.

Yyyyyyup.

Very familiar. Very, very familiar. Best of luck.

These men like this are all

These men like this are all the same, doormats....and, they raise selfish adults who do little to listen to anybody for the rest of their entire lives. Therefore, they do little in the career area and act entitled for some reason, nobody can explain.

Unfortunately, he will not be the only one paying the price for his horrible parenting... I wish you the best, because it gets no better....

When kids grow up with no

When kids grow up with no rules they turn into entitled adults. Your DH doesn't see this.

I suggest you make some house

I suggest you make some house rules and boundaries; maybe you've done this already. If your DH tells his DD to do or not to do something and she disobeys him, that's his problem; unless it concerns you. You can disengage from their relationship and make your own relationship with your marriage and household. Does SD11 live with you 100%?

I am speaking from experience and tried to make a Brady Bunch family for 30+ years. My youngest Skid was 15, when we got married. If I had just let it go and kept it all separated out, I would have saved myself a great deal of grief. Eight years ago, after 30 years, I had enough, disengaged from my three grown skids, and we have worked it out. Working this out in our marriage was very difficult, due to the fact that I was a door mat for 30+ years and set no boundaries for myself. Once I set the boundaries and am sticking to them, I have my life back. You cannot control other people and their lives, but you can control your own destiny.

Your SD is young, but at the age of going into adulthood. Now is the time to let your DH do the parenting and suffer the consequences. If it does not concern you or household rules, such as chores, bed times, respect, meals, etc., let it go and let your DH handle it. For example: if SD is 16 and sneaks out the window, call your DH and let him handle the problem, you have a nice cup of tea and watch a good movie.

I know hearing these antics from them are more than annoying; just take yourself out of it, even if it means leaving the room and joining the cat, on the porch, for a few minutes.

One last thing; the more you try to interfere with DH and SD, the worse it becomes. Let it go now and enjoy your life without making this a problem for yourself.

Good Luck, it is not easy.
((((hugs)))))

Oh I know allllll this. They

Oh I know allllll this. They are with us 50/50. My only 'house rules' are few and involve the living areas. I have no other rules for SDs since rules and expectations and ramifications are bad (per DH). So I don't set rules for them and perceive myself more like an aunt.

DH enrolled SD13 in a language course next week, then asked me my opinion. Like I had any participation in the decision, or would have any say in what happens if she quits (like every single other activity she's enrolled in). LOL. I simply told DH that I didn't have an opinion.

He's also wondering about SD11s 'attitude' after she spends extensive time with her TF. I simply told him that I have tried to discuss it with him before and he needs to figure it out. Not my issue.

You are here