It just happened over the years for me, SS8 is rude, has no respect for anyone really and doesn't listen to  a word I say any way so I just stopped trying. I'm done- he will be who he is and I can't change that. He will not follow house rules - I give up trying to enforce them. Weekends he is over I am in the bedroom having 'me' time with me and my bioson (4) or my son and I go to a friends house.  I never 'told' my DH what I was doing but he gets it and I'm sure he knows what is going on. I used to cook for everyone when SS8 came over as I always do for our family. But everyone now knows that when SS8 is over - Daddy cooks and by daddy cooking I mean he heats up spagetti O's or makes cheese sandwiches etc. SS8 hates all food if it's not bought from a fast food place or other resturant and we can't afford that so I just stopped.  SS8 is not my son - I am not his Mother - never was, never will be and I accept that. He is not my responsibility, he is my husbands. 

Look at it this way: If you didn’t walk into the relationship with your arms wide open, more than eager and willing to play insta-Mom, then why should this be an expectation. Not assuming it IS an expectation on your DH’s part, but it can overtly be, if he himself, has let go of the parenting rope. Make sense?

If you’re at the end of your full-time, or even part-time parenting gig of minors, that’s your prerogative. This child has two parents and you’re not one of them. Plain and simple. Is this going to make or break your marriage if you disengage from this child? 

For me, when I disengaged, I didn’t announce it to anyone - I just did it. I didn’t go out of my way for the child, spend my money on the child, cook for the child, sit there and pretend to act entertained by the child (when I could be doing other things with my time), or adjust my schedule around child’s visitation. 

I, too, dreaded skid’s arrival. It meant it was going to be “The Skid Show” 24/7 for 2 solid days. On a glorious, sunny and warm weekend at that? Yeah, no. I just gently told DH that I was going to do XY or Z, and that I would catch up with him later. Oh, the look of dread in his eyes that he was going to have to entertain skid ALL by himself. It was golden. In the long run, it forced my DH to adjust/balance/work on his parenting role if he wanted to remain a married man. It was by no means a threat on my part, in disengaging, but a means and act of saving my marriage and relationship with DH.

I did it slowly, piece by piece. And I figured out what I could and couldn't live with, i.e. no messes in shared living areas, no talking back, messy rooms ok but no smells or rot. And went from there .  DH was not involved in the decision. 

Best thing I did. I am now more engaged with SD12 but very well disengaged from SD14. Both due to poor parenting and her attitude. I fall back sometimes but less often now. DH is starting to actually deal with her. I try not to discuss anything about her with him and just do my thing.

It's different for everyone so you need to make it work for you. My process is well documentet on my blogs along with the issues I have encountered, and new/ongoing things.

Good luck and stay strong!

In fact I went the opposite direction.  IMHO spouses are equity life partners and that makes then equity parents to any children in the mix... regardless of kid biology.  As such the adults in the relationship are jointly responsible to raise the spawn of the home to viable adulthood, hold them to reasonable standards of behavior and performance, and not allow the kids to interfere in the priority of the marriage.

If one spouse doesn't like how the other parents then they can step up and get the parenting done before the other has to.

My wife and I have made our marriage and each other our priority for the the nearly 24 years of our marriage. We raised SS-25 as OUR son with the goal of getting him to viable adulthood.  Though not without drama and some near misses regarding Skid strangulation (figuratively of course) we accomplished the delivery of that responsibility.  It has worked well for us.

Keep it focused on the facts of the behaviors.  Not the feelings, not the angst just the facts of the behaviors.  That keeps it simple.  If a kid violates the standards of behavior or performance... they live the age appropriate consequences of their behaviors or choices.  Parents develop and apply those consequences.

Pretty simple.

Don't over complicate it, focus on the marriage and your partner as he should focus on the marriage and  you.  The marriage is the ONLY top priority and nothing takes precedence over the marriage. Not kids, not work, not extended family ,and for damned sure not an X.   The kids are the top marital responsibility which is very different than being the marital priority.

Disengagement can often morph into tolerance of intolerable crap.  So, I don't tolerate the intolerable in any way, shape, or form.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

You get tired of being treated like the family spare part that never fits at some point after really trying your best. You know when you are DONE with being bullied, excluded and forgotten in all matters. Disengaging is a process, a long process, too long of a process for the majority of us. You start out hopeful and thinking if you are kind, generous and accomodating person-- there is no way it cannot work out perfectly.  As the years and events progress, slowly but surely- you realize you are nothing but a stranger to people who do not want around; and, daddeee acts the same way whenever he is around them.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that daddeeeee is not an 18 syllable word, meant solely for YOU to hear repeatedly and continuously.

You start backing out of anything to do with them at that point slowly, it feels so much better.  Then you stop trying altogether and begin to seek peace with yourself apart from this sickening dynamic, that will only continue. You realize it was hopeless from the start. Most of us wish we had disengaged sooner. 

Many of us do not live with a man like Rags, far from it. A man like Rags balanced priorities and, therefore blending interests worked for all parties in his family, as it should be. Rags needs to teach men how to make their wife a priority; but then again...these sick men many of us have are so dense it is doubtful anybody could break-through that concrete brain they own.

There will come a time when you realize you can be part of the problem or part of the solution.  I decided to be part of the solution. I  have had no interaction with these nasty people in many years and I have never been happier. It gets better with each passing day. I found support here with others, who must live with the same man; which continues to strengthen and affirm I made the best decision for me.

After having a fully engaged role with my SD for over 7 years I completely stepped back to save my sanity towards the end of last year – it’s the best thing I’ve done. 

I told my SO what I was doing although I don’t think he believed it would last.  He thinks it’s sad that I took the decision but he understands why and it's improved our relationship.  SD comes and she goes, it’s all very ‘on the surface’ stuff for me now, as long as she’s safe in our care that’s as far as it goes for me.  She has noticed the change and her attitude has improved which is the added bonus, but overall it was about giving myself the care that I sorely needed. 

My Skids and chidlren are all adults.  I don’t have to worry about weekend visits/sharing custody, etc.

did you talk to your partner and tell them your plan? For me – I did NOT tell my spouse or Skids I was disengaging. 

What, specifically, did you disengage from? My version of disengagement which I started about 1.5 years ago, is that I have decided to no longer ask my DH how they are doing.  I don’t send text messages, invite them over for dinner, send birthday cards, very little interaction on social media, etc.  I might like a post here and there just to keep the peace and to not make it obvious.  I don’t hate the Skids or GSkids either so I don’t find a need to be rude.  I do believe they have all noticed the “pull back” – including my DH but nothing has been said.  When I am around the Skids and SGKids I treat them like I would any distant relative (which was great advice from another member of this great support group) and I don’t speak unless they speak to me – I don’t ask questions or initiate any conversation.  They basically visit with their father and I go about my business around the house. When they call (which most of their phone calls are when I am not around…) I leave the room and don’t ask questions about the conversation. I go to their events, but I stay to myself, smile and give short but polite answers when asked a question by BM’s family.  I have also tried to get DH to visit with them alone but he doesn’t want to and always includes me.  Eventually – I feel he will start to visit them without me which I will be fine with.  I also do not believe in playing games or lying to him like claiming I am sick to get out of going to an event.

I have one SD that I know would love to have a confrontation so I don’t give her the “ammunition” to do so.  I figure if I am kind and polite – it is my way of not letting her win – it is a stupid immature game but it isn’t worth ruining my time with my DH.  I believe two out of the 4 would love to see their father alone or back with BM.  Not going to happen.  Luckily this SD lives in another state.

With the Sgrandkids - I have also pulled back after being hurt by the same SD mentioned above.  I have my own grandchildren and after being told by DH to not to expect to bond with the SGkids – I stopped making any attempt to be a part of their lives.  I have never done anything to hurt any of them and I never tried to be a “mommy” or “grandma”.  I just wanted to be included or to receive a thank you every now and then.  I have told my DH I don’t care to ever try to blend the family because it will never happen but have not said anything about disengagement. 

And the big one: how is it going? Has it improved your relationship with your partner? What issues have come up as a result of disengaging?

You may find that like mine – they don’t care.  As far as how it is for DH and I – I will be honest I do feel things are different.  At this time, I can’t explain it but there is some distance and a feeling of walking on eggshells when the topic of his kids come up.  I just try to focus on our life together and not the kids.  My adult children have accepted him – communicate with him etc., but his do not have any desire to even get to know myself, my children and grandchildren.  It is what it is…and frankly sometimes it is a lonely feeling.  My children – grandchildren do not live near me.  I also have stopped talking about my children and grandchildren with my DH.  I have started to focus more on me – things I would like to do for myself, my own children and grandchildren.  I wouldn’t say I am happier now that I have disengaged, but I am finding I have less worries and less stress.  I won’t lie – my hope would have been for us all to accept each other and bond but…I am no longer naïve. 

Most of it depends on what kind of a person the stepchild is.  I know people that have loving, mature relationships with the skids they have known since they were children.   I know I don't often sound like it here, but I truly believe there are more good people out there than bad ones.  But I have ZERO tolerance for the aholes.

When I met DH he was estranged from his adult son.  DH and SS33 had lived together for a few years after SS turned 18, but DH had to evict him with a police escort (SS was about 22) because of SS's violence toward DH and a lot of drug and alcohol abuse.  They actually reconciled in part because of me.  DH lived 3 hours away, but SS (who I did not know) lived near me.  When DH moved in with me he reached out to SS and they reconnected.  The disconnect was about a year.

I knew from the beginning that SS had "issues".  But I did a lot for him - bought him clothes, gave him furniture, took him on some trips,  And the ultimate sacrifice - I let DH use my ticket to take him to the LSU/Alabama game back when that was a HUGE deal.

But after a couple of years of SS's repulsive behavior and disgusting skank hos that he brought around us,  I just stopped seeing him.  I didn't say anything until one Christmas when DH's family was coming for dinner and DH asked if he could have SS come.  I said no.  DH was mad and pouted for a few days.  But he got over it.

That was the norm for another year or two.  By this time SS met a woman who was not on drugs, had a job, apartment and car. I know - not that high of a bar but that was a HUGE step up for SS. They started living together and she had a baby.  DH was just sure that SS was on his way to responsible adulthood.

I started letting them stop by and even invited them for meals.  I still didn't particularly like SS, but I could tolerate him for DH's sake.  I bought them all presents for the appropriate occasions, etc.  Her mother bought them a house.  But I was never once invited to set foot there, nor was I invited to any of the baby showers, etc.  Nor to the grandchild's first birthday party.  The wanted to use my vacation home - didn't ask me- just told me when they wanted to use it.  Not a great situation, but I could deal with some interaction.  Was even going to take them and the grandchild to Disney where I have a timeshare.

But then D-Day happened.   They invaded my home while DH and I were on vacation and pretty much "pissed" all everything as far as I was concerned.  They entered the house thru our garage where SS had the code because of some yard work he'd done a year before.  At first I thought they just stopped by.  Not happy, but then I found lots of stuff missing and out of place in the kitchen where I realized they'd cooked meals (out of our freezer, pantry).  Then I realized that they had stayed there and slept in our bed even though we have a wonderful guest room with an even better mattress.  That's when I realized it was a piss on you act.

It took me a few days to realize something else.  DH and I almost never drink hard liquor, but I'd fully stocked our bar recently at Costco as I wanted to start having people over for dinner.  As I was planning a dinner party I realized that the five 1.7 liter bottles of previously unopened booze each had maybe 1/2 inch left.

It all just hit me and I was LIVID.  Don't know when I've been that angry.   I told DH to just keep them away from me.  It's been over a year now.  I've not received one word of apology, but the GF did say that I needed to "get over it".  GF has said that I cannot see the GC.  I so do not care.  I have zero interest in their crotch dropping.

I am more than disengaged.  I truly do not care if they are dead or alive.  If something happened to DH I wouldn't even contact them.  But I have told DH that he is free to see them all he wants - just not in my home.

So that rounds out some of the options available.  From Rags' loving relationship with his fine young son (now adopted so he is his son) to my total non relationship with a POS skid.  And lots in between.  You can do what you want and what works for you.

It was very hard to disengage bc sd lived with us so I had to provide her transportation. But gradually I did. I stopped washing her clothes and then split our accounts so dh couldn't take money that I earned to spend on her. Once she could drive, I stepped back even further. It didn't bother dh that much bc he was a typical controlling Disney dad so the further back I went, the more possessive he became over SD.

The only time I was her "parent" was when he needed something that only I could provide but I put a stop to that too. He forgot to sign something one day she had to give to the school that day so he called me on the phone to sign it as her mother-which he had just told me the day before I was not. So I signed it alright. I signed my name, wrote that I was SM and not her legal guardian and if they needed a "real parent" to sign to call dh at work and talk to him. And they did which really aggravated the crap out of dh and his boss. Plus SD got into trouble for not getting her form signed by DH. So when he came home, he was pissed but know what? Never pulled that stunt again. 

SS17 has serious behavioral issues and constantly fights with his mother. It takes all of my self control NOT to take matters into my own hands, literally (and I haven't).  In recent weeks I've begun disengaging with him- so it will seem and feel like ignoring the kid, and that's only partially true.  What it really is for me, is a way to not get caught up in the drama that constantly goes on between SS17 and his Mom.  I do my best not to talk about him with his Mom- I've found in the end it doesn't help and sometimes makes things worse.  I don't talk to him unless I have to.  If he asks me a question I answer it.  I try not to be rude.  He's always begging for attention, one way or another and is alway asking for help with simple tasks as if he's incapable of doing things for himself.  I do my best not to let the kid manipulate my state of mind and stay out of the arguements between him and his Mom.  

Example: Earlier today his Mom got a letter home from the school about SS17's behavior and tardiness.  She confronted him about it, and although she didn't yell she pressed him as to why..  Within seconds he started yelling at her, which absolutely drives me up the wall because of the level of disrespect.  I grabbed my daughter, and we left.  I didn't say or do anything but leave.  Disengaged. 

Tried disengaging from teen SDs. Thier attitude is if we wont give them something, Grandma will do it. Grandmother (my finace's ex's mother) spoils the kids rotten, Disney style yet allows them to talk back nasty to her and disobey her. Grandmother hates me and the mother and treats kids like puppies. Makes parenting impossible whe they are constantly spoiled. 

 And not have to parent.  You can never blend family!  This is all a load  if Cr*** 

these kids will be around for ever.  People disengaged because SK don’t listen to them. Don’t respect them and there homes, are put First on SO list.  It’s if you don’t want to listen to what I say, I am not going to cook for you, take care of you, take and buy you things.  If you are going to treat my house like a dump I will treat you the same 

You don’t like the kids because they interfere with your life,  you should leave it’s never going to get better for you there nothing your SO or his kids can do to make it better for you 

New member - first time comment!

I've read many of your comments and feel a great sense of relief & realisation that I am not alone, that I am not a bad person for feeling what I feel. That so many are struggling to climb the slippery slope that is blended families.

I have two BS and one SD & SS. All 4 live with us full custody. I was widowed at 36, so my boys don't have a choice. SK's BM hasn't yet figured out how to be an adult and therefore has no job & no accommodation and for the past 18 months SK's have been with us 100%. They also have no choice. I have experienced trauma & suffer anxiety from it. So you can imagine how well I cope or react when I am constantly being told by DP to just relax, don't overreact or worry about things that haven't happened yet. What I can see is a 13.5 yo SD who is desperate for love & attention from her Mum and this is coming out in negative social media behaviour. It's a big elephant in the room and whenever I plead with him to get her counselling it is met with it's just a teenage phase she's going through. He works from 06:30 - 17:30 and doesn't see the vulgar behaviour & attitude & blatent disrespect she has towards me. Then when I've had a gutful (cause I don't get any down time from kids to recharge) and lose my sh*t - it's my fault. He takes no accountability for being the second bio parent to let this girl down. 

Does anyone else roll their eyes when people say 'You wait til their old enough to realise how much you've done for them & how grateful they will be!!" I don't see it happening and I don't care if it doesn't happen. That was not my intention when I became their SM. What I care about is understanding how far do I have to keep comprimising before it's enough?....

Thanks for listening (reading) my vent. I don't have anyone in my circle of friends who can empathise or even begin to understand. That's when the little voices of doubt start & I start thinking maybe I am worrying too much about stuff..