20 year old SS leaving for College
In August my SS is leaving for College after 3 years of Community College and living at home. I literally had to force him to get a part time job during this college time. (Force by nagging lol) He’s super smart, free rides, never studied either, doesn’t need to. So his part time job never interfered with any school. My issue isn’t really as big of what most of you are dealing with, I do have some horror stories with my adult step daughters but I nipped those immediately. They never lived with me. This son has our entire marriage, mom is down street but he prefers not to spend nights there. They go to movies and dinner a lot and trips and she got social media credit when I was on him night and day for 2 months for his NHS award. It’s all good I was over that in a minute. Here’s my issue. His waking moments are spent at his grandmas (big empty house, just MIL lives there with her adult son upstairs in apartment.) when SS leaves in August I don’t want him back. For 5 years he won’t engage with me, I offer to take him to favorite restaurants when Dad is working late, I’ve offered to take him to movies or events, nothing. Not even a conversation. When he’s home he wants to stay on video games in room or watch tv in room, I get that but he always comes out when I’m not there. My husband goes in his room to say goodnight or to talk to him, he never has to come out. He has told his dad his mom doesn’t want her son around me or to talk to me. He’s absolutely doing as she wishes but eating my food and breathing my free air. I’m always very kind to him and always trying something to engage. Not overpowering but letting him know if he chooses...... I am spent. I want a stress free house in August. For good.
FINALLY, you are going to get
FINALLY, you are going to get a break. From reading, you have been very tolerable throughout your marriage and steplife. You have done well. Now is your time.
Continue to be patient and stay on the high road. Keep in mind your SS will continue to need you, his Father, and family members for moral support until he has completed college, but continue to encourage him to be on his own. Glad to hear he is going to college; the future looks bright for him. You can take the opportunity, to set some boundaries. I'm sure you will find a diplomatic way to keep your home free of stepkids. I had a talk with my DH and explained to him that I no longer wanted our home full of adults; I used the example of how independent we were at their ages.
That said; it is not easy being the SM and especially because you are looked at as "just another wife for Dad". I'm not completely familiar with your situation, but it sounds like you have done a great job. I am praying for your peace and stress free house. Just stay on track; it seems overwhelming, but it will run it's course.
(((hugs)))
This is exactly what happened
This is exactly what happened in my case. My Ss stayed in his room when he was awake or at his part time job (which he did have to be "encouraged to get"). Slept until lunch time. Played video games. He would also come out of his room when I wasn't there. It was civil but yes, you feel like you're walking on egg shells.
When he went away to college, it was really a weight being lifted. However, the first couple years, he came home for the summer and holidays. Then he found a job near school and a girlfriend and he started staying at school for breaks. So it was kind of a natural progression. I didn't really have to say......"don't come back".
Maybe it will work out like that for you.
Why wait until August. Cut
Why wait until August. Cut off the free air, free food, and any connectivity in your home and he will be out in about 48-72 hours. If he returns, empty the fridge and pantry, shut off hte internet and cable, and fumigate the house.
Lather, rinse, repeat. This is an adult not a minor child. He resides in your home at your pleasure and convenience and only your pleasure and convenience.
Good luck.