Why do people assume that exes should be friends?
DH's family has recently given him sh$t that he "doesn't talk" to BM and that he's "disrespectful" to her. The thing is, he's not disrespectful to her and also rarely has an occasion where he would need to talk to her. Their children are now teenagers and other than sporting events, he really is never at the same place as BM. Most of this is coming from her, because in her crazed, personality-disordered mind, the fact that DH stopped taking her daily calls means he "hates" her and is just out to make her feel bad and look bad. It's not that he just moved on and decided to set boundaries with her. Meanwhile, BM regularly screams at DH in front of the children, but apparently, that is not disrespectful and also couldn't possibly be a reason why DH would seek to avoid contact with her, now would it?
This whole thing got me wondering, why do so many people feel like exes have to be "friends" if they have children? Why can't they just both live their own lives in peace, without having to provide emotional support to one another. Shouldn't it be about how they each get along with the kids and not have anything to do with whether or not the parents are "friends"? My view is that if you can be great friends after you got divorced, you maybe didn't really need to get divorced. It should be okay to move on and feel sort of indifferent to someone that you no longer have a relationship with.
Would love to hear other people's thoughts on the ideal post-divorce state for parents to operate in.
I dont think most people assume that
I think some will be friends, some won't and it is no one's business but theirs (and their spouses, if any). If they cannot be civil, it may be the kids problem too.
When my family asks me about ex, my reposnse is dont know, dont care
Perhaps because these two
Perhaps because these two people were once "in love", got married, and did the horizontal mambo on a regular basis?
Whoop-di-doo. Too often I've heard stories of how one person a) changed a LOT or b) successfully hid for a looong time (sometimes years) their true personality and, when it came to light, derailed the relationship. And we all know about the cheaters, who are everywhere.
Two situations of which I can speak knowledgably...
1) My DH and BioHo (ish). He had on blinders and thought she luuuuuurrrrrved him. Nope. 'Ho was cheating on him as soon as she was pregnant with SD23. DH was blind to her cheating for YEARS because of his work schedule and 'Ho's parents willingly taking the kids - not knowing their daughter was out 'ho-ing. When 'Ho's cheating finally came to light, she begged DH for forgivness and SWORE (the 'Ho word for "lying through my BJ-ing-every-man-possible teeth") she'd never cheat again. Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Of COURSE she cheated again! And again and again and again. DH hacked 'Ho's email, learned the ugly truth, and divorced her skank arse. They are NOT friends. DH finally realized what kind of POS 'Ho is. And who wants to be friends with a 'ho??
2) One of my dearest friends and her husband were married for almost 20 years and grew apart. While not friends, they remained friendly to raise their kids, who are now 25, 23, 20, and 18. They attend birthday events and every event for their 3 grandbabies.
So it's POSSIBLE, but not typical, from what I've seen.
Yeah it only works if both
Yeah it only works if both parties are reasonable. And then, if they're both so reasonable maybe they shoulda stayed married.
I don't know anyone who
I don't know anyone who thinks exes should be "friends". Civil for the kids perhaps, but not friends.
This is the 2nd post today of
This is the 2nd post today of similar players...Inlaws who are buds with the ex.
Parents of divorced kids should remain silent yet, polite in public to the ex. Keeping arms length away. Your inlaws are playing bm's crap. It is not right. As noted above, since bm cant get to dh--she is now going thru his parents.
Isnt your dh pissed at his own parents position. I know I would have never put up with that from my own parents IF they tried to do that. Havent they witnessed the hell bm put him thru? Assuming it was not a easy divorce and custody situation.
Why do people assume that dh should be friends with the ex?
Most people dont OP assume that OP..
Most people DO assume you shouldnt.talk with them.
Ewww you talk to the xh...how can you..? Thats weirdddddd.
He is pissed with his family,
He is pissed with his family, but as the resident people pleaser, he has never told them off until now. He told his brother that if he ever tried to get involved in issues that related to BM or SSs, he would cut his brother off entirely. Brother said, "but, but, but...you don't even talk to BM." Um, why would he brother, also, how do you know what DH's relationship with BM is like?
He's also told his mother off about it and told her that she always seems to be defendng BM, and again, his mother tells him she feels like she has to step in to "protect the kids". Um, where are MIL and BIL when BM is yelling at DH in front of the kids, why aren't they riding in on their white horses to tell BM she is "hurting" her children by yelling at their father in front of them? That's right, they are nowhere to be seen.
BM is the one crowing on about how DH "doesn't talk" to her, but again, when are they supposed to talk to one another? She doesn't come out of the house at drop off or pick up and whenever they are at the same sporting events, DH usually keeps his distance because she is always trying to yell at him about something (used to be that she would just demand her CS early, or accuse him (in advance of the deadline) of not paying her on time) or trying to mess with his parenting time (another favorite trick of hers is to come up to DH in front of the kids and tell her about some family event going on that day, on his weekend, leading the kids to go crazy if DH doesn't let them go, who cares if we had plans). So, seriously, I'm not sure when they are supposed to be talking. Chatting on the phone? BM is the one who always talks about how they should be friends. She used to call him to make small talk about herself. Once on my birthday weekend (when she knew DH and I were away), she texted him "call me ASAP" and then when he called, she just launched in to "hey, what's up?", etc. This is the same women who would regularly call him to tell him he was a deadbeat dad and didn't care about his kids, but sure, lady, just call for a chit chat when you know for a fact that your ex H is off traveling with his SO (we weren't married at the time).
I think the problem the BM in my life has is that she thought she and DH were friends and is now resentful that he doesn't feel like he has to take her calls anymore.
Whoa are we living the same
Whoa are we living the same life??
PS on a very sarcastic note..
PS on a very sarcastic note..."that" sounds like something a bm would say...WHY CANT WE BE FRIENDS.....are you sure she didnt boohoo that to his parents?
I'm 100% certain she was the
I'm 100% certain she was the one who said that to his brother. His brother is barely around, so he'd have no idea how DH interacts with BM, unless he was going off what BM had told him. In fact, some of the words his brother used were the exact words that BM has used in some of her many missives to DH.
I'm honestly amazed that his brother was so dumb to take everything BM said at face value, it shows a huge disregard for DH - his own brother! - and also a lack of good sense. He never once thought, "gee, why is she calling me to get involved? this doesn't feel right?"
DH needs to stop listening to
DH needs to stop listening to the stupid shit his family says.
And if he ever sees BM in person again, he needs to videotape everything, and distribute it for the world to see.
Your DH should record her
Your DH should record her fits. At best she stops acting a fool at worse when they ask him why he won't talk to her he has video evidence. Exs are exs for a reason.
Same as alot of other
Same as alot of other "conventional wisdom" - lack of critical thinking and fear of being judged if you publicly disagree. Someone came up with that idea, others agreed without really thinking about it or because it fit their agenda and now if you disagree you'll have people jumping all over you for being immature or jealous, etc because that's not the "right" thing to say.
This!
I feel as if my entire life is summed up in this comment.
I think it only works
I think it only works if both have moved on and there is no jeolously. My personal opinion is most problems boil down to the fact that someone wants the other back and they are jeolous. Otherwise I think most can be civil and respectful and even friendly.
When I met DH ss34 was in his
When I met DH ss34 was in his early 20s and DH and BM had been divorced for decades. Her DH and I did not see any reason for them to be “friends “.
So that was never an issue.
When I met DH ss34 was in his
When I met DH ss34 was in his early 20s and DH and BM had been divorced for decades. Her DH and I did not see any reason for them to be “friends “.
So that was never an issue.
My XW was all about us being
My XW was all about us being friends with her Xs. She just never shared with me that they were her Xs. I learned the facts after she moved out. She left her diary. That was a gem of clarity for me during the divorce process. and went a long way to keeping her in line since she did not want her mommy and daddy finding out the truth about their little girl.
Nope, Xs should not be friends except in very rare cases. Particularly if one or the other of them are recoupled.
No way in hell
No way in hell would I let my DH be friends with his ex. I blocked her from his Facebook & phone. They have 4 kids (18-23 old) ..they’re old enough to contact their dad directly.
It's facebook's fault. *ROFL
It's facebook's fault. *biggrin* I've seen a couple of them, those posts saying how AHHHHMAZING it is that this couple and thier spouses are besties (complete with picture collage). And how if you are not doing it this way you are traumatizing your kids and should be stripped of all human rights.
Because society promotes
Because society is currently getting off on promoting divorce = happily ever after over marriage = happily ever after. As someone said above, “Someone came up with that idea, others agreed without really thinking about it or because it fit their agenda, and now if you disagree you'll have people jumping all over you for being immature or jealous, etc. because that's not the ‘right’ thing to say.”
I wouldn't waste the energy
I wouldn't waste the energy to piss on my cavern crotched adulterous whore of an XW if she were on fire.
I have had zero interface with her since I forced her to pay me for the house we purchased three months before She left to move in with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy.
When my bride and I renewed our vows on our 20th anniversary a few years ago the photography team she chose were a divorced couple. They seemed to get along great. Their story was that they were better friends than they were spouses. They regularly win awards as the best wedding/event photographers in that area.
I applaud people who can have a cordial friendship with their X. I'm not one of them.