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I'm confused

Cameo's picture

Submitted by Cameo on Thu, 09/28/2017 - 6:39pm

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Co-Parenting

Ok. I have been living with my bf for two years, been involved with for almost three. He has three kids, only one at present living at home. She is turning 16. E (his daughter) and I have had a good relationship up until about a couple of months ago. We would do crafts and baking together, no problems talking even tho she is a fairly private girl.
The past few months her dad and I have been trying to teach her "life skills". Managing time, chores and money. I am open with her my reasons for this...telling her that we want her to learn to be an independent happy adult when the time comes. She complains that she's "only fifteen".
I never tell her what to do = I ask her to do her chores and she has always done them without complaint.
Now she is skipping them, taking time off school, talking back to her father, she openly snubs me, refuses to eat what I cook, ( but junk or fast food is fine), if I enter the room when she is talking to her father she leaves and she always chooses to speak to her dad when I am not around. Yet at other times, when we are alone she will still talk and laugh with me.

I raised four boys. Girls seem to be much different. I cannot think of anything offensive, mean or rude that I have done.

I know she is going through hormonal changes. I know she has stress from being a teenager. I know she is grieving the loss of her stepmother - she passed away four years ago - I have spoken with her about this, told her that I know she must be missing T and that maybe it is difficult dealing with me in her life. This convo ended with me telling her I loved her, hugs and she said she loved me too.

But this past two weeks has been rough. Her snubs hurt my feelings and tbh piss me off. I make her supper and she refuses - we have taken her to the doctor regarding headaches and stomach problems that she says she has but the dr finds no reason for and she sees a counsellor starting soon. I am waiting until after that before sitting down with her to talk about her behaviour.

Until then I don't know what to do. It got to me so badly yesterday that I had to leave the room myself as I was so upset with her behaviour and I ended up in tears.

I'm not sure if anyone has any ideas as to whether I should continue on as I am, not showing her that she is getting to me, confront her? or if waiting until she talks to the councellor is smart or should I sit her down before?
Her father gives her lots of trust and freedoms and until now she deserved it.
Is it grief? Teenage angst? Have I done something and not known it? Totally lost here.

Doorsy's picture

Submitted by Doorsy on Thu, 09/28/2017 - 6:46pm

It sounds like she has already had 2 mothers and isn't wanting a 3rd. Let her dad handle her and you be the fun aunt.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Fri, 09/29/2017 - 5:23am

disengage immediately.... your's waited till age 16 to turn into a cow, mine did age 13.

best is disengagement, you do nothing for her, she's not your responsibility, you will no be blamed for the person she will become..

if she does not do a chores, ignore it till Dad comes home, either he tells her to do it or he coddles her and does her chores for her... you do not care as long as it's done

never do any parenting, not your kid not your problem

Cameo's picture

Submitted by Cameo on Fri, 09/29/2017 - 6:16pm

Her father supports me and if she doesn't do a chore then she doesn't get paid for it.Two years ago she wanted an iPhone bf said he wasn't paying for it nor was he paying her monthly bill.So I asked him if she did chores could she get an allowance for them.So, we set that up, she was excited and when she had the money she got her phone and pays him for the monthly bill. She also has money left over.... Unless money is deducted for not doing her job.

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Fri, 09/29/2017 - 9:20am

I'm going thru the same thing myself. SD16.5 has been full time with DSO and I for over 7 years. I had to play the 'mom' role for many years. This summer, SD spent the whole time with BM.
So there were a few incidents where SD did things wrong.

1. She refused to go with BM to get her teeth cleaned bc BM wouldn't take her to her friends after. BM doesn't cancel appts and the dentist decided to stop seeing SD bc of that. I've known the dentist a long time and she kept SD as a patient but only me or DSO can take her for appts.
2. 5 of us share data on our phones. SD had used half of all the data in 6 days. I asked her what she was doing to use so much data.

SD started ignoring my texts. Would respond all summer, but had no problem texting if she needed to know what her bank balance was or transfer money. I repeated texted her the number to set up her own online acct to do it herself.

A week ago, SD got mad and BM and is back at our house. I leave for work when SD needs to be at bus so, by default, I drop her at bus stop. She started being really chatty in the mornings, sharing little things about her day. I just ignore or go thats nice or hmmm.

After 7 years of this, I just have to protect my sanity.

Hennypenny's picture

Submitted by Hennypenny on Fri, 09/29/2017 - 9:36pm

It is so hard to not take it personally, but please try your best. Don't chase her, don't let her chase you away, let her father do the heavy lifting with chores and discipline, and don't stop normal life activities. Embrace those moments where she is seems like her old self and wants to talk. Ignore the terrible teens the rest of the time. And in those moments where she is completely insufferable and you can't take it any longer, roll your eyes, sigh heavily, tell her you're so over her being a giant butthead, and casually walk away. I swear it works like magic, but use it sparingly or it loses effectiveness.

Stay strong. You can do this Biggrin

Cameo's picture

Submitted by Cameo on Tue, 10/03/2017 - 11:15am

Thank you.

I'm trying. It's hard because it is affecting the entire family. She texts her sister saying that she is so depressed, fed up and mad - for things like not getting a plant when we were all shopping but he bought me a planter (for repotting a plant of his mothers that wasn't doing so well). She hadn't even asked for the plant just picked it up and showed her father. I even took a plant halfway up the isle to find the price checker for her, the plant was priced more then it was worth. Any decision there was up to her father.
I'm not supposed to speak if she is talking to her dad, I am influencing her dad and the rest goes on along the same vein. Yes, I introduced doing chores for money so she could get a phone and yes, I told her father that if she missed school then she shouldn't go to her friends house later that day.

So now she has her sister worried, her sisters partner is concerned about both of them and he is upset because the younger girl is upsetting her sister - his partner. Her sister is mad at her partner for speaking to us about things he heard. Her father is upset and at a loss as to what to do. I am trying not to put him in the middle but we need to talk about this issue. The tension at the dinner table is thick and uncomfortable. She is sitting there picking at her meal, head in her hand and mopey. I'm trying to ignore that and keep it lighthearted and if I can't get a response from her then I just make conversation with her dad. I might ask her whats wrong and she will just say she isn't hungry or that she feels like she is going to puke. She has been to the doctor about her stomach issues and she doesn't follow the recommendations. It isn't always easy to find a conversation that doesn't turn confrontational and some meals are eaten in almost silence. It's becoming unbearable.

But I will try to stop doing all the little things for her that I do, no more special meals because she doesn't like what I served, no more picking up things at the store because she might like it, no more asking for a baking buddy etc - maybe she will realize just how much I do contribute.

If she is being nice, then I will embrace it. She has offered to help with some of my projects and I will continue to let her when I am doing them.

I will walk away when she is being a jerk.

Im not going to shut up just because she thinks I don't have a right to speak when she is.

I will attempt to continue to keep my tears private and try not to let her get to me, to let her have her "win" by knowing that she is making me miserable.

She is seeing a counsellor in a couple of weeks, maybe that will help. It is distressing to feel that I have made her life so miserable that she needs to see someone about it.

Her sisters partner seems to think that she is jealous of me. I think she got mad when I walked out the other day because she knew she upset me and doesn't know how to handle that. She avoided the house all weekend as much as possible.
I can't simply ignore her all the time. She is generally a sweet and polite girl and until a couple of months ago we seemed to have a good relationship. It it had started out that way, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard now. I honestly feel betrayed.
I am actively involved with her sister and her family. I am Nana to three beautiful step grandkids. I can't simply ignore this young girl altogether - the issue in my eyes wont get resolved that way and won't help her. I do need to learn to disengage to a point
I appreciate your answer for being supportive, thank you.