How to not die?
hey all,
with this bug floating around a few of us step-parents are on chemotherapy or otherwise compromised and trying not to catch anything. Aka - we get ridiculously ill if we catch this thing.
we’ve been told by government to social distance, so are only visiting close family who haven’t travelled and are feeling good. Schools and daycares are now closed.
we share custody of SD6, who has had pneumonia twice and also has had a cough off and on since December
DH wrote to BM to ask that she practise social distancing and check on travel history of anyone she sees with SC to keep SD safe but also due to my suppression and the way the disease spreads. She accused us of implementing a double standard, because we “had a social weekend visiting multiple people” and “maybe we shouldn’t share custody at this time if it’s so dangerous”
we apologized and explained our perspective but I am trying to understand how someone could be this calloused? I’m just trying not to die. Certainly typical moms are interested in keeping their kids healthy too? I just don’t want my SD used as a Trojan horse.
here to vent and get some pep talks from strangers...
Your health
Is of the top priority. Not the fee-fees of BM.
Put her on ignore, for the sake of your health do not let DH pick up the skid, or if he insists he can go to a hotel and stay there until this is over. Self quarantine is truly going to be a lifesaver for you!
Heck, neither my fiancé nor I have a compromised immune system and we still aren't taking his teens for a while. This is a pandemic and people need to stay out period precisely to avoid spreading the virus so people with compromised immune systems and the elderly don't have as much risk.
Dont give a rat's patootey about BM and whatever she's spouting. It's not up to you to manage her emotions or outbursts. It is up to you to stay healthy and out of the hospital.
Hang in there!
"maybe we shouldn’t share custody at this time
if it’s so dangerous"
I think that, if I were in your situation, I would have grabbed that and ran with it
She just gave you a free pass to protect your health - who CARES if she's offended or not?
Your health is the most precious thing you have - take care of it.
Yep. It probably is best to
Yep. It probably is best to not share custody at this time. You have no control over where your SD goes or who she is around when she is in BM's custody. That is not a chance that I would take.
I would pay the money and
I would pay the money and have an attorney write a letter and send it certified mail stating something along the lines of:
Due to the National pandemic spread of Covid-19 and papayag's current health in regards to her compromised immune system from Chemo (or whatever it is happening), it is the the best interest for all parties to take a temporary break from visitation at DH's house. This is in no way a relinquishment of any custodial rights or future visitation. This is only a safety measure to ensure the health of papayag and SD. We will be in contact in ____ days to hopefully restart the visitation plan as laid out by our court order. In the meantime, DH and SD should be allowed frequent video calls to help aid in the parent-child relationship during this health crisis.
I don't really see BM's
I don't really see BM's response as callous. From her perspective, and it wouldn't be incorrect, yok are potentially putting her daughter at risk by visiting with folks you don't definitvely know aren't sick. It is hypocritcal to point out how BM may be doing a "bad" while you yourself are participating in riskier behavior.
If you are that immunocompromised, then you should be isolating and quarantining, not social distancing. The virus is far more widespread than what is being reported due to low testing numbers in most countries. Symptoms take several days to appear, but the virus is shedding prior to being symptomatic. It would probably be a good idea to suspend visitation for you.
Unless I am missing some backstory, I don't think BM was wrong in her response.
We just asked her to follow
We just asked her to follow the government's recommendation and to ask ahead if anyone is ill or travelled before a visit, and to tell us if they do so I can move out.
We visited my twin who had their first child recently, and her husband who works from home after confirming they hadn't seen anyone who'd been travelling and were feeling well themselves, and my retired parents who are basically in self isolation by choice since well before covid.
Since SD has had pneumonia on a few occasions in the past, this is also necessary to protect her.
We are re-thinking our plan. This new situation could last months and think we should be able to continue shared custody if all parties follow the gov't advisements.
"to ask ahead if anyone is
"to ask ahead if anyone is ill or travelled before a visit, and to tell us"
That is seriously ALL your government is recommending? That is so incredibly naive. At the very beginning of the virus - weeks ago - that may have been sufficient but that is no longer realistic. Anyone you come in contact with, whether or not they have travelled, whether or not they admit to being ill, can carry the virus. Protect yourself. In your case, I wouldn't leave home and would simply have my groceries delivered and strictly observe all of the hygiene recommendations.
Why appologize? Better to
Why appologize? Better to leave the Skid with BM and focus on your health and safety. No Judge is going to change custody over a short term global pandemic while you and DH are protecting both the Skid and a chronically ill patient through compliance with social distancing recommendations. BF can F-off.
IMHO of course.
I'd just rather have SD here
I'd just rather have SD here than there. We are proactive and intelligent enough to do the right things to keep her safe & healthy during this weird time. I am less convinced that will happen elsewhere.
SD is not your problem, your
SD is not your problem, your health is. Her mother is perfectly capable of taking care of her daughter. Why risk SD bringing the virus into your home when she can stay at home?
Honestly, your email to BM
Honestly, your email to BM sounds like one that BM here would have sent to DH - it's treating her as if she's stupid or uncaring of SD's health. Now, she may BE stupid or uncaring about SD's health, but getting an email like that from an ex is going to "go over like a fart in church" as my father used to say. Especially since it really wasn't about SD at all, it was about you, who BM probably doesn't give a rat's ass about.
So if you are vulnerable, then SD shouldn't come over.
In other words, you can't control BM and what she or anyone else does around SD.
Pick a home to quarantine SD in for now ...
Just told my own BS that he has to choose a household & essentially quarantine there. He has a cold, but I cannot risk his back-and-forth. Instead I took my thermometer, medicine, fruit, etc to his father's place & met BS by the car to hand over supplies.
Neither BS nor Ex-DH really understand the consequences ...
Take care of yourself
SD, BM and BD decided SD will
SD, BM and BD decided SD will stay with us the next two weeks and then we'll re-assess the situation.
Hoping that lots of people can get over their issues with their ex's for the sake of keeping everyone healthy and safe.