I can see traveling with your child to the Midwest IF your ex requests that his daughter be brought up after his son is born. I can see staying at a hotel with her so that she can see her brother but also give the new parents time to bond and heal.

What I can't get is why you need to be at the hospital. Once she is there, it is up to her father to pick her up or arrange transportation from his family/friends to see her brother. Your ex is responsible for facilitating their relationship. Your responsibility is to be supportive of your daughter having a good relationship with her brother, meaning you don't speak ill of him or his parents, you don't prevent your daughter from talking to/about him, and you don't prevent her from visiting her brother and father.

You don't need to be part of this child's life as you aren't related to the child or friends with the parents.

I’m afraid it’s up to her.

It’s actually perfectly normal for people to create boundaries.  Try not to take it personally. 

You plans may have to involve dropping your kids off at the door and not going in the house unless you have been invited by ‘a grown up’. These are ‘normal’ arrangements for people that have broken up. 

I’m afraid it’s up to her.

It’s actually perfectly normal for people to create boundaries.  Try not to take it personally. 

You plans may have to involve dropping your kids off at the door and not going in the house unless you have been invited by ‘a grown up’. These are ‘normal’ arrangements for people that have broken up. 

Who could help with this?  Is your ex near parents or siblings that could maybe pick your daughter up at the airport and visit with her for a few days while she meets her new sibling?
while I think it is admirable that you are being so open to this I support your ex's wife.  Would u be willing to welcome her into your life in this way?

Well, if you can honestly say you haven't been "that" ex - as in, interfering in their lives somehow to control how DH parents, then just chalk it up to her insecurity or whatever.  Though, IMO, your ex should not have told you his wife said that.

As someone else said, though - why can't your daughter see the baby on her next visitation? Maybe the ex is worried you will end up at the hospital waiting in the waiting room or something.

While it's admirable you are willing to take your daughter there when the baby is born if need be, I can't imagine why you'd want to be around your ex's child with another woman, especially when it just arrives in the world. I can understand why your SO's baby mama doesn't want you there. Having BM around when I just gave birth (even if  not at the hospital) would feel very weird and like an invasion of privacy. If you and your ex maintain a good relationship, there likely will be times in the future when you'll have opportunities to be around his SO and their child, and you can help make it a positive situation by being cordial.

Who's idea was this for you and your child to fly halfway across the country when your daughter's half brother is born?

How soon after are you going to do this? Surely it is not planned for right after (or during) birth? You are a mom, you do recall wanting some bonding time with your new baby, right? 

Wow.  Talking about initial BM.  New wife does not want you or your child around her.  I can see her point.  If your ex wants his DD to meet the baby he will arrange it.  When he wants and at the time he wants.  He should make all travel arrangements.  
I am sure he want you no where around him and his new family. 

I think you need to get a more realistic idea of the relationship here.  Even if your DD is excited about a new sibling, she is 8.  She will be excited for about 10 minutes at seeing the baby and then be on to something else.  Is that really worth a cross-country trek and invasion of a new mother's privacy on the birth of her first child?  You are a mother and wanted time to bond with the baby and your husband.  Would you have been OK with an invasion from a sibling and ex-wife because a child shared DNA with your new infant and husband?  Please don't even try to say yes.  No one is going to believe it for a second.  

Your DD is the most important thing in the world to you but she is not to the new wife.  That would be her own child and rightly so.  And your ex is going to have to balance the needs of two children now.  PLEASE do not take advantage of the situation and alienate your DD from her father by making her feel less important than the baby in any way while he is figuring out how to be a good father to both kids.  You may not like him or even hate him and he is going to make mistakes in the years to come.  You chose to have his child regardless of his failures and she is 50% him regardless of your feelings.  She will suffer in the long run if you do not do everything in your power to help facilitate the relationship in a healthy way no matter what.  Right now that means giving them privacy and letting your DD be happy and excited from a distance until they are settled in for a visit from her.  But not you.  Times like these are what separates women from girls.

I would need more information to give advice.  Are you actually hoping or planning to see this baby?  I understand that this is your DD's little brother, but you understand that you have no relationship with this child, correct?  

The reason I ask is that my DH's crazy ex thinks that she somehow has a claim on my baby with DH because my SDs are related to her.  Of course, my reaction was over my dead body.  I want my child to have a relationship with SD13 (SD16 is not a part of our lives by her own choice). However, that is where the relationships end.  BM and the rest of her family are not welcome anywhere near my child.  I just don't understand the logic.  My exH is about to have a new baby and I am not interested in the slightest to know or have a relationship with this child.   I completely underdtand the boundaries.

I hope we didn't scare you off since I noticed you didn't respond. We really are very nice here on ST. But we dont tip toe around anyone or anything

A mother and father are well within their rights to invite OR not invite anyone to be around their child...

IF you want to fly the two of you to their town,,that is very nice of you. Have your x meet you at the hotel you will stay at so HE can pick his daughter up for the weekend or over night.

You cant intrude on them and hide behind 'your daughter' as a reason to supervise his daughter visit with their new child. Uncalled for.

Step back a little.  You could use 20bucks of his child support to buy the baby a gift from big sister. Your daughter will feel very happy to bring a gift all wrapped up in a pretty bag or box.  I guarantee that one.

and take the child to the hospital it would be reasonable to wait in the lobby until the visit is done and then leave with your child. Is that what the girlfriend has an issue with? Or is it that you want to be in the room when she meets him? Does dad normally have the Spring Break visit? If he does then I would tell him that the options are for him to take his regular visit with the normal travel arrangements or he will have to wait until the summer. I understand his desire to have his other child there but I don't understand why you would need to make any back up plans. He either arranges it or he doesn't. 

This view is not going to be popular with all, but the guy was an abusive drug addict who does not even have a real job now. If he wants to see his daughter, he should be the one to travel - he created the situation. And as for his ex, does she really think you want that pos back?? She is pathetic. Why would you care, at all, whether your daughter has a relationship with the product of that union? It is all on your ex, not you!

Talk about. OP is not over her ex.  She has to be up in new SM business.  Why car what 5hevex wants. If the ex wants his DD to see his new child he should pick her up and take her.   

Why are you so worried about this that you're making contingency plans to make sure shes there as soon as the baby is born? Are you worried if your daughter isnt there she will be getting pushed aside for the new baby?

You are not nor should you be part of this babies life.  Period.

You have no place, standing, or relationship with this baby nor with your X's wife.

Daddy needs to get his ass on a plane and come pick up your kid to meet the baby.  You can fly to bring your child home.  Or daddy can buy round trip tickets for you and your child and book and pay for your hotel while your child visits with him.

I completely agree with SM in this situation.  You are the mother of the Skid in that family.  Nothing more.

I will also agree with the others that said.. you can go to the home town.. but your EX can either arrange for himself or a mutually trusted relative to take your DD to see her new sibling.

I 100% understand why his new GF doesn't want you included in HER special moment.  It' "bad enough" that he has already been through this experience with you already.. so let her have just who she wants there.

TBH.. I probably doubt SHE wants your daughter to be there so soon.. but if you are inclined to help facilitate this request from your EX.. that's up to you.

I and ex co parented very well amd were always on friendly  terms. I know SM very well. I cannot imagine my ex demanding that I drive DD across the country to see the baby right after birth. I can’t imagine doing that either. Why not wait for dad to make proper arrangements.

If he isn’t demanding it why are you doing it?

It sounds like you, not ex, want to be relevant in his life and make these trips across the country. I also find it strange that he was an abusive addict and you had to run away and now you are the one making trips to ensure he can see his kid. What does CO say? Are you obligated to provide transportation? Why? 

Its ok for SM not to want you around her baby. Why do you want to be around? 

After reading the continuing comments and your responses to those, there is no way in hell my kid would ever see this POS. He is not her father, he is nothing more than a poor choice for a sperm donor.  Worse, he is a violent abusive drug addicted POS and I would not ever risk that he would do to your daugther what he did to you. 

Nope, shit is shit and no matter how much you polish a turd it is still shit.

I would call CPS in his town and forward them every sordid detail about how much of a POS he is and that the baby is in danger. If CPS in his locale is worth a shit they will be in the delivery room to take that kid away from the POS spermdonor and the idiot BM that spawned with him.  Your daughter nor her baby sib should ever have to lay eyes on this effluent.

And, what the hell is his mother doing letting this POS anywhere near her traumatically brain injured other son?

Past behavior being the best predictor of future behavior indicates that he will relapse and he will be violent.  There is no way I would risk my kid.  Period.  What the hell is it about the abused that they lose brain connectivity and adopt the "what he did to me has nothing to do with his daughter." bullshit?

What the hell are you thinking? Or are you even thinking at all?

smh

Right or wrong, this is my opinion. I think you should wait at least 48 hours for the mother to get over the birth and bond with the child - in case she needs the partners help. Some new mums need help picking the baby up/changing the baby for a day a two, for a variety of health reasons. 

This would mean your child would be left feeling like a spare part, they wouldn’t have time to look after both. It possibly would not be the best first time meeting for your child. 

OP - this is not your situation to solve. Stick to the CO and let your ex work out how he is going to get his daughter to meet her new sibling on HIS time. There's no reason for you to be running round in circles to facilitate things. Just be civil and let him sort things out. I'm pretty sure yoiu have much better things to do with your time than bend over backwards for your ex ...

Gross. I would have literally called the police if DH's ex wife showed up anywhere near my new baby......gross gross gross...I can't even imagine.

Let your ex figure it out. It isn't your problem to navigate the relationship between your child and ex's new child.

You have had to be the parent to your daughter more than her father has been around.  I think you should make the choices for your child and do what is best for her.

It sounds to me like your ex could not have possibly healed all of his problems in 2 short years.  He has addiction problems, and abusive problems as you stated and has now jumped into another relationship and is already having another child.  He has had a very busy 2 years and it seems to me that he is only thinking about what is best for him and not his daughter. 

This child will be in the world for a very long time and there will be plenty of opportunities for your daughter to meet this baby.  No need to rush to the hospital and no right of his to dictate this.  

As far as this girlfriend or wife I forgot which she is she has every right to not have you there.  I would never want you there.  No place for an ex at the birth of a former spouses new baby.  You do not need to be involved or address this.  You could simply tell your ex there will be a lot going on at the birth and no need to complicate it for them and mainly for your daughter.